I had to go back to the calendar and count how many days we are into Lent. I haven't really been keeping track, but I have to admit it's starting to feel like an eternity. That's kind of sad isn't it?
My husband came home carrying an egg carton last night. I assumed it was an empty one that someone who got eggs from us was returning. Then he opened it.
Homemade chocolate covered peanut butter eggs! Oh. My. Word. I think he may be trying to torture me. This is true temptation.
Now, I have to admit that I did allow myself one dessert so far during Lent. But, it was in celebration of my son Edison's birthday. I had cake and ice cream at his birthday party. Is that terrible? I haven't decided yet if I should feel guilty or not. But, then again, guilt really isn't supposed to be the driving force in these 40 days.
Giving up dessert & sweets even for this short period of time has been really, really hard. I know that I use food as a comfort item. I've known that about myself for a long time. But, I didn't realize how dependent I am on it.
I'll admit that I was hoping that giving up sweets for 40 days would have the side benefit of weight loss. And, at first it did (at least a couple pounds), until I started replacing the sweets I was missing with other snacking and bigger meal portions. If anything I may have gained a couple pounds at this point.
What is my point? I feel like God is kind of bringing me to my knees on the whole issue of food. I have always struggled with my weight. I've always struggled with food. I love food & the pleasure it brings me, but it also seems to be my nemesis. In junior high, I used food (or the lack of it really) to bring some sort of control to my life. I battled anorexia for about a year. I scared my parents to death as my weight plummeted & I refused to eat.
All these years later my problem is the opposite. I take in too much food. I use food to make me feel better when I'm depressed or bored. I use food to celebrate. Food has become my medicine and my reward.
I'm still not sure what God is preparing in my heart. I am seeing how this is an area I need to turn over to Him. My own willpower is weak & insufficient. I am praying that God would give me some healthy attitudes toward food. But, most of all to learn to rely more on Him.
I've mentioned before that giving up facebook hasn't been nearly as difficult as I thought it would be. As a matter of fact it's been a relief not to be caught up in the different virtual games my children and I were playing. Really. Does anyone care how many animals we have in our virtual zoo?
If I had given up the computer completely, then it would be a different story. In many ways I've replaced facebook with blogging. I've really been enjoying writing my own blog & I've been spending a lot of time discovering other mommy bloggers and reading their thoughts. I've become fascinated with this blog world.
But, like everything else exploring the blogosphere needs to be done in moderation and with care. There are moms out there with some awesome crafty or baking ideas & hints. There are moms who are skilled housekeepers, organizers, gardeners, etc. And, reading their posts can be very inspiring. It can also be unhealthy when I start comparing myself to the strengths of others.
And, that's what this whole 40 day journey was supposed to be. A time of preparation. For who God wants ME to be. It's easy to lose sight of that when we put our focus on others.
I am learning some interesting things about myself. For one thing these first 28 days of Lent haven't been particularly spiritual. I've been more focused on what my flesh is missing than on what God wants to give to me. I was a little upset with myself that I've spent these 28 days in minimal prayer & very little if any Bible reading.
Maybe it's just taken 28 days to get through my thick-headedness. It would be very easy to start looking ahead to the end of Lent. We're in the home stretch. But, I feel like I've just now reached a point where I can fully admit my weaknesses. And, maybe, that's the real beginning of Lent for me.