Boy Band

I'm probably the only one who will take great amusement with this.  But, since  this blog is something I also get printed in book form once a year & is my form of a scrapbook, I'm putting it on here.

 Several weeks ago my Father in law took the boys hiking.  This was one of the pictures he took.  And, it just cracks me up because I thought to myself, "Hey!  It kinda looks like it should be a band photo....everyone looks either irritated or disinterested except the guy in the front."

So, if my boys ever decide to start a band, they've got their album cover.  

A Bit Humbled

So, today has not been my favorite day.  First, I thought today was my mom's group meeting.  I got to the church & the parking lot was empty.  I apparently had my weeks mixed up.  I've been pretty scatterbrained lately so it's not a huge shock that I goofed.  I took advantage of the situation & checked out a few yard sales on the way home.

I still had to meet some folks about 20 minutes from my house around lunchtime with some furniture they were buying from me.  I had planned the meetup for today because I was going to be about halfway there for the mom's meeting (I thought).  So, I headed back out & made my transaction.  The kids weren't thrilled about all the extra driving around today so I decided that I was going to treat them to lunch from Arby's which is just up the road from my house.

On the way, I decided to get off the exit before mine because earlier in the day (when I made my trip to the non-existant mom's meeting) I saw a set of under the bed storage drawers along the side of the road for free.  I couldn't fit them in my van earlier because I had all the other furniture in it.  So, I decided to go back & see if they were still there.

They were.  But, t hey were still too long to fit into my van with 2 younger children with me.  So, I had to pass them up yet again.  Since we were out that direction & not far from a Sonic, I asked my boys if they wanted to go to Sonic instead.

Now, coming from the direction we were I had to make a left turn into the Sonic parking lot.  And, I'll be honest, there is a sign there saying 'no left turn', but I always thought that sign had to be a mistake.  I couldn't understand the reasoning & I had seen tons of people making that turn.  I've done it before too.  So, I turned in & pulled into an order spot.

I was in the middle of talking to my kids about what they wanted to have for their lunch when I notice a police officer walking up to my window.  I was honestly confused.  "Um.  Can I help you?" I asked.  And, that's when he informed me I made an illegal left turn and he asked for my driver's license and registration.  I was somewhat surprised...even though I'd seen that sign.  I apologized, told him I made a mistake,  & gave him my information.  I REALLY thought he'd give me a warning.

The most embarrassing thing was being pulled into the Sonic order space with a police cruiser parking me in, lights flashing.  Two different Sonic employees walked over...one to ask if I needed any sauces!!!!  And, the other with the food we'd ordered (I figured I may as well still go ahead and place my order).  Both were smirking a bit.

The officer came back and sure enough he gave me a citation....a very expensive citation.  I was humiliated, upset...and ,yes, a little  angry.  My thoughts were, 'This is so unfair!!!  People do this all the time.  I apologized.  I made a mistake.  It seemed like a minor infraction to me.  It seemed like something he should have said, "Please be more aware and don't do it again."  But, it didn't happen that way & I was not happy.  It was the most expensive Sonic kid's meals ever.

On the way home, I called my husband.  My kids heard me ranting to my husband.  I ranted some more to him when he came home from work.  I posted about it on Facebook.  I felt so wronged & so angry.  I ate too many chocolate covered raisins & only felt more sick.  So, then I took a nap with my kids & woke up even more grumpy.

I'm not sure what stopped me in my tracks.  But, suddenly it occurred to me.  What kind of message was I sending my kids?  I knowingly broke a rule.  I got caught.  And, I had a consequence.  Yet, here I was going on & on about how I thought the consequence was unfair and how mean the police officer was for giving me a consequence.  Mature right?

But, it wasn't the police officers job to determine what kind of day I'd had or what kind of driver I normally am (I pride myself on being a safe & careful driver).  His job was to enforce the law.  And, he did.  And, I was wrong.

And now I need to eat some humble pie & talk to my children about how Mommy's attitude today was wrong.

Marriage Equality?

I'll be honest.  I'm struggling with what the right response is for me as a Christian to this whole issue of marriage equality going before the Supreme Court.

Facebook is a hotbed right now.  People who adamantly support gay marriage.  People who adamantly oppose it.  Profile pictures are changing left and right as folks insert a picture where their faces once were to show which side  they support. And, I'll admit to being surprised when I learned where some fellow Christians stood on the subject.

I started out  thinking I'd write about seeking how God truly calls  us to respond to this issue.  And, then this morning a friend of mine posted this link on Facebook.  And there it was....something written that was based on scripture and still  written in love.  It brought some clarity to me in the midst of  political correctness and popular opinion.

I thought I'd share that link here.  It's a long post.  But, it's well  worth the read.

Homosexuality and God's Word by Timothy Road

Grace

Grace is not easy. If it were, it would not be grace. It's never easy to extend love and forgiveness when you know it may be rejected or scorned or your hurt is so deep that you can't see past the pain.

Grace is not deserved. If it were, it would not be grace. 

Grace is risky. We live in a world of self-preservation. Popular psychology encourages people to put themselves first...to avoid 'toxic' relationships. While there is some truth.....it's not good to put yourself in a dangerous situation....we have become a people who live with hearts closed to those who hurt us. We live for ourselves rather than pouring ourselves in to the lives of others.

Grace is messy. True grace was shown to us by the One who hung on a tree.

True Grace is free to the one who receives it. But, there is always a cost to the one giving the Grace.

Grace is relentless. It never gives up.

I am so thankful to friends & family who stood by me in my darkest times & showed me Grace no matter what. And, most of all I thankful to God and the Grace He poured out on my life.

Making Peace with My Body..Part One

I have a confession to make.  Some of you might remember some posts of mine from a little over a year ago.  I had worked hard at eating as healthfully as I could, and had even thrown in some exercise.  I lost 35 pounds.  I even ran a 5K.  Well, I'm here today to let you know that I've gained back all the weight.  Every pound.

As soon as I stopped thinking about every single morsel that crossed my lips and relaxed on the exercise (ok - gave up on exercise completely), the weight came right back.  And, this is the story of my life.  I lose weight.  I gain it back.  Lose it. Gain it.  Lose it.  Gain it.  Etc., etc. ad nauseaum.

And, I'm tired of it.  Really, really tired.  I'm tired of fighting my body.  I'm tired of food constantly being my focus...either abusing it and using it as comfort or, at the other end of the spectrum, constantly monitoring everything that goes into my mouth.  I'm tired of trying to attain something, to reach a goal...only to find myself in the same place months later.

I'm starting to wonder if it's really worth it.  All this focus on food, on weight, on appearance.  Does it really matter?  Oh, I can wax poetic with the best of them about how it's about being healthy, about nurturing and caring for my body.  But, if I'm honest, what it really comes down to is that it's about weight...about how I look.

I recently bought the book, Made to Crave, hoping to get a Christian rather than a secular perspective on this whole issue.  And, while the author makes good points about how we try to fill ourselves with things (often food) rather than God, she kinda lost me after that.  I sensed that that she was overspiritualizing something that ultimately comes down to..'How much do I weigh?'.  There's also this sense I got that she feels like she needs to eliminate certain foods entirely from her diet....forever.  A) I have no interest in living like that.  And, B) It seems to me that she's still trying to 'control' rather than letting God control.

In all fairness to the author & the book, I haven't actually finished it.  I'm only about halfway through.  But, I guess I was disappointed that I find myself feeling more condemnation than encouragement as I read it.  And, I'm quite finished with the whole condemnation thing.  I do that to myself well enough, thank you.

So, what is the answer?  Ugh!  I wish I knew.  Here's what I do know.  Do I abuse/ overeat food?  Yes.  Do I need to eat in a more healthy way?  Probably.  Are there spiritual issues tied up with my overeating?  I believe so.  When I try to lose weight or eat more healthy, what is my true motivation?  Well, it's not about getting closer to God.  It's about getting into a smaller pant size.  Do I have control issues related to food?  Sure thing.  Do I spend more time thinking about food than I do about God? Yup.

Here are some more things I know.  I'm pretty sure that hundreds of years ago women spent far less time obsessing about their size.  I'm pretty sure that those carrying extra pounds were actually more desirable because they would have been considered healthier/heartier.

I also believe that while gluttony is a sin...and, yes, I've been guilty of this...I also believe that God could have created food merely as fuel.  He didn't need to create flavors, or taste buds.  I believe he created it to be pleasurable.

So, I come back to this.  Moderation.  Moderation.  Moderation.  Not only moderation in how much I eat.  But, moderation in how much I think about food & weight & exercise.  Ever since I battled anorexia in junior high (I talked about that here and here), I can't seem to 'be mindful' of food (aka diet) without it becoming my focus.  For me, food has always been a control issue.  And, I either feel completely out of control with my eating or I become obsessive in trying to control what I eat.

I want to just live.  I don't want to always have this issue hanging over me.  Do I give up & just accept this larger size?  Do I keep trying?  What do I do?

I want to make peace with my body.

Taking the Bull By the Horns

So, I'm going to tell you the truth.  Living in a house with four boys ages 9, 7, 5, and 3 often feels like barely controlled chaos.  My little men, as awesome as they are, wear their momma out.  It is constant noise & motion in our house.  It is LOUD.

But, it isn't the boy energy that makes me crazy.  Yes. It does wear thin on me.  But, I'm conditioned I guess.  I can take it for a while before it sets me on edge.  No.  It's not their energy that gets to me.  It's the fighting.

There seems to be constant bickering, arguing, teasing, fussing, complaining, whining, etc....you name it!  The biggest culprits are my two oldest boys.  They seem to clash over everything.  And, I mean everything.  I really wonder if they even like each other at times, much less have brotherly love for each other.  But, while those two can barely even be in the same room with each other, that arguing and fighting is filtering down to the younger two as well.

I feel so helpless sometimes.  I don't know if they are even hearing what I'm trying to teach them about Christ's love, how we are to love one another & treat each other...putting others first, not responding in anger, responding in love even when insulted or hurt, being peacemakers.

And frankly, sometimes it scares me.  Because as they grow older, more and more things are going to compete for their attention and influence.  I want to imprint God's Word on their hearts now.  I want them to always carry it with them.

I should note, on the positive, that this kind of behavior has been limited to our own household.  At school my boys are attentive, considerate,kind, & respectful.  Both of their teachers have always had wonderful things to say about their behavior and character.  This makes me happy.  Really it does.  But, I still need to deal with the downright mean...sometimes cruel things that are said and done in our own house.

Let me share another frustration with you.  I have encountered a few older Christian moms, whose children are grown who also had all boys or a large passel of boys.  I've asked them how they dealt with the fighting, the bickering, the competition, and anger.  And, I kid you not!  Every single time the response I've gotten is something along the lines of, "Oh.  My boys really got along well with each other.  I don't remember having issues with fighting."

Aaaruugghhh!!!  Really?  Really?  I don't know.  Maybe they didn't have fighting.  Maybe there really is something wrong with our household.  Maybe there really is something wrong with ME as a mother.  The one consolation and encouragement I take is this.  Apparently my husband and his younger brother closest in age to him (also the 1st and 2nd child in their family) fought terribly when they were children.  It wasn't until they were both adults and out of their parent's house that they formed an amicable relationship.  And, today they have a good, solid relationship.

And, my husband assures me that this is just how boys are.  He compares them to lion cubs.  They will wrestle with each other trying to determine who the strongest, most dominant male is going to be.  No wonder momma lions sometimes growl at their cubs!

In the meantime, I wanted to do something to really try to get a grip on this whole situation.  Because, honestly, I'm tired of waking up to the sound of fighting & listening to it most of the day.  I'm tired of ending my day in tears..

So, I came up with an idea!  We are going to take the bull by the horns!

I made two jars.  One is the 'Bored Jar'.  I can't claim ownership over this idea.  I got it from another mom in my mom's group.  In this jar are slips of paper giving the boys ideas of things to do (that do not involve electronics of any kind!) when they are bored.  Frankly, I think sometimes part of the problem is that they don't have something to focus on or work on and so they gravitate toward arguing with each other.

The second jar is the 'Peace & Love Jar'.  I spent the morning yesterday finding verses that talked about peace & love.  I wrote a bunch of them down on 3x5 cards & put them inside the jar.  When my boys start fighting with each other I'm going to redirect them to the jar, have them each take a verse, find a quiet spot & work on memorizing the verse.

I'm pretty sure there will be some resistance to this.  I'm bracing myself for that.  But, they did already take a slip from the Bored Jar yesterday.  They seemed to like that idea.  And, I'm hoping that the Peace & Love Jar will have a positive effect.  That's what I'm praying for!

So, what techniques do you use when you're children fight amongst themselves.  Do any of you have a pair of children who seem to clash over everything?  What do you do?

What to Say?

1.  I'm second-guessing my idea of journaling my thoughts through Psalm 119 here on my blog.  I'm still plugging away at Psalm 119.   Sometimes I come away refreshed with a lot of insight.  Other times I feel like I'm just doing the basics...reading it, writing it, jotting down a few thoughts.  Passion for God's Word doesn't always come in a rush.  Sometimes it takes patience, perseverance, and endurance.  I'm believing, though, that if I'm faithful in reading & studying His Word, He'll be faithful in revealing Himself.

    The reason I'm not sure I'll journal everything here is that I'm finding as I'm studying the Psalm I find myself thinking about what I can share with you all here instead of concentrating what God is saying to me.  So, I'll continue with my pen & paper journal and I'll share updates on here as I feel led & directed by God.

2.  I've had thoughts about freedom in worship just about every Sunday at church.  John & I are part of a non-denominational church that could be described as charismatic.  I'm not sure what your perception of a charismatic is, because I know mine was different at one point in time.  But, basically, in our church you would see a lot of hand raising, clapping, some dancing.  There's even a lady who sometimes gets out her colorful large flags & banners and waves them during worship music.  At one point in time I would have been distracted by all this because it was so far out of my comfort zone.

I grew up in a Brethren in Christ church which, for those of you who don't know, is part of the same Anabaptist tradition as the Mennonites, Amish, & Church of the Brethren.  There are many different 'levels' of conservatism within each of these churches.  And, while our church did not require women to cover their heads or wear a certain form of dress, values like modesty, pacifism, hard work, and earnestly following God's commands were stressed.

The Holy Spirit was rarely discussed.  Of course he was honored as part of the Trinity.  But, 'decorum' during worship was paramount.  Speaking in tongues (something I still struggle to understand), prophesy, freedom in worship were all frowned upon and discussed only as part of church history as it was described in the book of Acts.  As far as I understood, all those things began & ended there.  We sang from hymnals (something I do treasure & I miss in today's contemporary services.  I'm a little sad that it's been completely set aside).  We sometimes had 'special music' from the choir or from Annette Schock, a woman from our congregation who had professional vocal training.  Clapping politely (and reservedly) after one of these special music times was about as spontaneous as it got.

I don't regret the type of worship services I was raised in.  In fact I sometimes I miss the reverence of it.  I miss the sound of the congregation's voices rising as one with only a piano or organ to accompany them (not drowning them out as our worship bands do).  And, I miss those hymns.

But, I also connect deeply with God in the type of worship we engage in today.  The music, the worship band...they do speak to my soul.  And,  I can feel God's presence moving & working.  But, because of the view I grew up with that 'charismatism' was dangerous, I don't often fully engage in our worship time.  One of two things happen.  I am held back by cynicism or I am held back by fear.

The cynic in me sometimes stands there watching those around me who so easily raise their hands in worship, who so freely dance before God.  And, I wonder if they are for real.  There.  I said it.  I wonder if  what they are outwardly expressing is truly what they are experiencing inside.  Or is it habit for them just as sitting quietly during worship was habit for me?  Sometimes when I see young children shadowing what their parents are doing in worship it raises that question even more for me.  Is it just something learned, something 'cultural' if you will?  Usually around this point I'm convicted in this...It's not for me to determine if it's heartfelt or not.  That's between them & God.  What is important is if I am responding to God as He is calling me to.

And, that's where fear comes in.  Showing that I am moved by His Spirit feels so intimate, so personal.  Even though I'm surrounded by many others who are raising their hands, I can't help but wonder what others will think of me.  Will they think I'm more spiritual than I really am?  What will my husband and children think?  If I raise my hands in worship after a week of being cranky & easily irritated, will I appear to be a hypocrite?

There are times that my hands long to be lifted up in worship, in surrender to God, but they are weighted down by these fears....and by years of training that worship is to be 'calm'.

I'm not really sure that I have a resolution to all this.  It's something I struggle with each week at church.  The interesting thing I should note as well is that I love expressing myself through movement.  Back in my darker years of my 20's when I was living in rebellion, part of my regular week involved going out to the clubs to dance 2 or 3 times a week. Music moved me.  Music worked deeply in me.  Of course, the music I listened to at that time was far from uplifting or sacred.

Another thing is, during my dark years, I could still feel God calling me to Him.  One of the places I used to go each summer was Cornerstone Music Festival in Illinois.  This was a Christian festival sponsored by JPUSA (Jesus People USA...based out of Chicago).  This was definitely a more charismatic event and featured the less mainstream, more alternative Christian bands.  I remember feeling very free to raise my hands in worship while there.  Of course, I was surrounded by strangers & the event took place outside (not inside a church building).

Anyway, I guess I'm just wondering if any of you have struggled with the question of freedom in worship yourself and what freedom in worship means to you.  I suppose in the long run this is an area that God will continue to speak to me & I need to turn to him for His leading.