A Year in Review and Looking Ahead

What was your word for 2018 and what is your word for the coming year?

My word for 2018 was 'Stronger'. I began the year feeling as though I was on the path to being physically fit. And, I believed that the word 'Stronger' was going to reflect a growing physical strength (and mental strength as well).

As it turns out, 2018 was a year that put me face to face with my weaknesses. I fell off the bandwagon of physical fitness & gained back all the weight I'd worked to lose.

2018 was also a year of battling extreme mood swings - courtesy of peri-menopause and stress.

2018 was a year that I acknowledged that it was time to let go of some things as well. I hung up my hat as coordinator of a vintage market I'd done for the last 5 years. Also my husband and I made a pretty radical decision regarding his work...resulting in him leaving his job of the last 18 years at a family business. It was a hard and painful decision...one that we may be feeling the repercussions from for a long time. And, that has gutted me, left me feeling very vulnerable and tentative.

Despite all this....facing my weaknesses was actually a good thing. I was reminded that I can not grow stronger in my own strength. Willpower isn't enough. Determination isn't enough.

And, I've been forced to come face to face with why some things - lack of self-control in eating and over my emotions, fear, anxiety, need for control, and a tendency toward negative thinking - have become patterns in my life.

I don't have all the answers to getting victory in these areas. But, I know our entire life is a work in progress as God shapes us and molds us into who He has called us to be.

I hold fast to 2 Corinthians 12: 9 - 11. " “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. 10 That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

So, in retrospect, I do believe the word 'Stronger' was appropriate for 2018 as I looked my weaknesses in the eye and came to rely more fully on the One who is my strength.

So, what is my word for 2019? I actually have two.

The first is 'Joy'. Somewhere along the way I have lost my joy. I've allowed circumstances and disappointments, and the mundane to weigh me down to the point where sometimes I dread the day as soon as I wake up. This is not how I want to live.

I want to rediscover laughter and hope and that feeling of expectation as I look to what's ahead.

The second is 'Confidence'. This is an area in which I have always struggled. And, I have allowed my lack of confidence to hold me back, to paralyze me. In fact, I wasn't sure if 'confidence' was actually the right word because I see 2019 as being a year of Doing, of making things happen.

I no longer want to sit back and wait for approval or the opinions of others before I move forward or choose to DO something. Yes, there are situations in life that will require the wise counsel of others, but I don't want to base all my decisions in life on what others will think. I want to be confident in the words I speak and the choices I make.

So there you have it....my words for 2019. Let's face this New Year with great expectation!

What Do I Have to Offer?

What do I have to offer?

At the age of 48....no longer a fresh young thing.

No longer confident or strong.

Weak in my failings and my lack of motivation.

Overweight.  Brain under stimulated.

No idea what to do or how to do it.

The things I love and enjoy do not make money

At least not enough to garner respect.

I sometimes think I should be harder.

More ruthless.

Or at least more assertive....self assured.

I've always wanted to be special.

Special in some way that others recognized as well.

Don't we all love a superhero.

I want to be super at something.

Once I thought that was my ability with children.

Having my own humbled me.

Not as talented as I once thought I was.

But, I still felt as though I was finally fulfilling my purpose in some way.

Is there more?

More purpose?

Do I have more to offer?

Or am I done?

At our church they are often talking about destinies.

Our God ordained destinies.

Discovering our destiny.

And, it sometimes seems they are speaking to the young.

They are the ones with destiny.

What about us middle aged souls?

Do we still have destiny to discover?

Or are we a day late and a dollar short?

What if....

What if the things I longed for (a bigger house, more recognition as a writer... as a person, more standing in this world, more money, more fun, more....)

What if God is saying 'no' to those things and 'yes' to something I can't yet see.....something I can't understand.

What if God wants me to surrender my dreams.

All of it.

What if what I have to offer is my heart.

What if.

What if just offering God the little I have to give was enough.

What if my destiny is being small

Small for the glory of God.

I must become less.  He becomes more.

John said that.

And, I guess so do we all.

We are less

He is more.

It's so counter intuitive.

It goes against the grain of the American dream.

Work hard.  Strive.  And, strive some more.

Not that working hard is bad.

But, when we do it to fulfill ourselves...

we fill a bottomless pit,

impossible to satisfy.

But when we do it to serve God,

nothing is too small to bring glory to Him.

Our meager offerings,

our widow's mite

become a treasure

countless as the stars.

More brilliant,  more enticing,  more satisfying

than we can imagine.

What do I have to offer?

Not much.

But, it is His.

Silent Night

We just came home from our church's Christmas Eve service (it's actually the Eve of Christmas Eve, but they are offering services over the course of 2 evenings).  I really wanted to go, because I needed to feel the beauty of Christmas.  After the extreme stress of the last few months, I needed the peace of that special night of long ago.

I feel so guilty for saying it, but I came away disappointed from the service.  There was obviously so much time and effort and thought that went into the evening.  There was music and dance and videos and speakers and lights and....many people sacrificed a lot of time to plan and present the evening. 

But, it felt like a production.

And, that wasn't what I was craving tonight.  I was craving something quiet, reverent, peaceful, reflective.

To me Christmas is a time to shut out the noise and chaos of the world and of all the things that weigh on us.  It's a time to be still and remember that God came to us in the midst of the ordinary.  It's a time to remember when the glory of God was wrapped in the flesh of an infant.  To remember the tenderness and gentleness of a Savior who would come to us in the most vulnerable way possible.

And, I guess when I think of a Christmas Eve service, I think of voices raised in harmony (voices that we can hear above the roar of instruments, above the roar of this world) and soft lights flickering in the stillness. I think of a weary world that falls on its knees in adoration and awe.  I think of calm and the perfect peace that the Prince of Peace brings to us.

Serving

Sometimes serving God looks like sitting and praying even when the rooms seems empty.

Sometimes serving God looks like a smile at a stranger or a sincere thank you to the person checking you out at the grocery store.

Sometimes serving God looks like folding laundry and putting away the dishes.

Sometimes serving God is encouraging someone else when you yourself desperately need encouragement.

Sometimes serving God is looking at the beauty of the sky and all creation and really SEEING it...with a grateful and awestruck heart.

Sometimes serving God is taking that next breath, moving that next step, facing that next day trusting in His faithfulness and His promise to always be near.

Sometimes serving God is choosing a gentle response when a harsh answer is what comes to mind.

Sometimes serving God is examining our own heart and recognizing our need for His.

Sometimes serving God is messy or mundane or hard.  Sometimes it seems ridiculous or doesn't seem to make any difference.  Sometimes.

But always He sees.  Always He knows.  Always He is here

Always.