Back in July I wrote two posts, with the intent of writing a third, on the subject of doubt. You can read them here and here. I had actually originally named the posts 'Why Do Christians Shoot Their Wounded?', but I went back and changed it to "Dealing With Doubt" because that was at the core of what was on my heart.
As I mentioned, I intended to come back and write a third post. I imagined a nice, neat post where I summed up the thoughts & issues I had been struggling with and then wrapped it up with some practical ways that I conquered the big ol' baddie of Doubt.
But, I couldn't bring myself to write that post....because I couldn't seem to get past my own doubt. Everytime I thought I had my head and heart in the right place and that my faith was back on track, I'd hit another pothole that sent me hurling head over heels into that dark, dark place of doubt.
Now, let me catch you up here a bit. The doubt I'm talking about isn't 'doubt that God is in control' or 'doubt that God really loves me' or 'doubt that God really has a plan for me'. This doubt is something a whole lot more destructive and dark. This doubt is the doubt that God even exists....that ANY of the Bible is true, that ANY of what I've based my life on is true.
And, that's a very dark place indeed to be.
It all started with some interactions I had on Facebook with a friend who is an atheist. I talked about that here. First, I was shocked to learn how many people I know have no belief in a God...at all. Second, I was shocked at how angry they are at Christians...and religious people in general. Third, I was shocked by what an arsenal of intellectual arguments they have. I felt completely unprepared for the interactions I had.
I suppose I was rather naive. I had always assumed that atheists were a few cynical, grumpy college professors tucked away in their musty, stuffy offices. I hadn't rubbed shoulders with a 'real atheist'...or so I thought. I had always pretty much assumed that everyone believed in something and that it was just a matter of pointing them to Jesus. Like I said...naive!
And, I hadn't exactly been consistent in my reading of the Word and prayer life. I've used the busy-ness of motherhood and overall exhaustion as an excuse for that. And, to be completely honest, it's much more interesting and seems so much more relevant to read blog posts from other moms than to read the Bible. God's Word, written so long ago, and read by me hundreds of times over the course of my lifetime wasn't speaking to me the same way as things written by women I felt I had things in common with.
I was spiritually depleted.
And, it was about to get worse.
(So, apparently I have the start of another series here. I will continue these thoughts in my next post...)