Live

This morning I was scrolling through Facebook until I was stopped in my tracks.   There was a new Caring Bridge update for an old friend who was battling cancer.  Something told me this did not bode well.  There was just an update the night before saying she had been admitted to the hospital with a lot of pain.  

Even though I half knew what to expect, when I opened the update and saw that she had passed it was a gut punch.  

She had been fighting so hard.  She was believing for a miracle, for her complete healing.  

She had just celebrated completing her radiation a couple weeks ago...and then celebrated her 50th birthday about a week ago.

She wanted to live.

I remember reading a post she recently made in which she described how she was looking ahead to seeing her boys graduate, get married, and have babies.  She pictured herself years down the road holding her grandchildren on her lap.  

Cancer has stolen so much from so many.

And, I'm remembering how just last week, I was in such a dark place because of some of the things we are struggling with as a family.  Depression and despair were winning the battle in my mind again.   The thought passed through my head that it might just be better if I would die.

I am so ashamed that I ever let that thought pass through my head.  That I would allow the darkness that kind of power over my thoughts, my emotions, my life.  

And, while I was thinking something so awful about my own life, Sherry was fighting for hers.

She was so positive, so joyful...even in the midst of pain.

I don't know what to do with the swirl of emotions I am feeling right now.  I don't want to just survive this life I've been blessed with.  I want to thrive.  I want to find my joy again.  I want others to see my love for Jesus the same way others saw it in Sherry.  

I know I can't do it on my own.  I can't just will it to be.  I need the power of the Holy Spirit to move in my life.  

I don't want to take this life for granted.

I want to live.