What I Wanted to Say

This morning I was having brunch and a holiday cookie exchange with a group of women that I've known for a long time.  We have a dinner group where we try to get together at least once a month at someone's house and eat together.  It's been a bit more spaced out in recent years, but we still try to make our get-togethers a semi regular occurrence.

We were sharing updates from our lives today.  Going around the table, each of us took a few minutes to share what's happening.  Our group in general has had a hard go of it in recent years.  A life altering accident, divorce & separations, financial problems, loved ones with addictions, marital problems, health problems,  job woes, parenting stress, mental illness....life hasn't been easy for most of our group. 

I know that in the midst of all this I've been relatively blessed in my life.  My troubles have seemed paltry in comparison to what my friends have been enduring.

But, this morning as we shared with each other I opened up that this has been a really difficult year for me.  That my faith and trust in God has been tested.  That my expectation for the year was different from the reality.

My first post of the year was about that expectation.  How I came into the year ready to see what God was about to do.  I was convinced that something exciting, life changing, fulfilling was just around the corner. 

After all.  We had been obedient in His call to leave the security and safety of the path we had been on.  I was convinced that doors would open quickly and we'd soon be on a new (secure and safe) path.

And when that didn't happen, I was shaken. 

I tried to express this to my friends.  And also how, now that things are beginning to look brighter, it has me examining myself and my own heart.  Is my trust in God dependent on smooth sailing? Or do I trust Him even when I'm struggling to see His provision and His plan?

I tried to express it but I'm not sure how well I did.  In fact, I did what I do anytime that I speak.  I stumbled over my words.  I hemmed and hawed.  I find it frustrating to try to speak my thoughts actually.  Sometimes I pause because I need to gather my thoughts and formulate how to say what I want to say.  And, then I tend to lose my train of thought, my flow...and what comes out is abbreviated gobbledygook. 

It's why writing is so much better for me.

What I wanted to say and to express is that this year has brought me to my knees.  I've been humbled and broken.  I've been forced to look at myself in a mirror and I don't like what I see.  This year has driven me to the end of myself.  And into the arms of God.

I've fought against it.  I've beaten his chest with angry fists and with tears streaming from all my broken places.  I don't like pain.  Pain feels like punishment.  Pain feels like failure.  Pain feels like a sure sign that you're headed the wrong way.

But sometimes pain is what brings us to a place of healing, a place where God can form us and mold us into something better....more beautiful.... more like Him. 

This year has been a year of fear, of anger, of hurt, of despair, of loss, of loneliness, of losing faith.

But, this year has also been a year of surrender.  A year of coming to terms with my own insufficiency and a better understanding of His absolute sufficiency.  It's been a year of learning unlike anything I had expected.

 I am hopeful that He has brought me to a place where I don't always have to see where His path is leading me to know that I can trust Him.  I am hopeful that I still have time to make a difference in the world, with my life....that I have something to offer.   I am hopeful that fear is steadily losing its grip on me.

And I KNOW that God is always at work...no matter what the circumstances...He is always at work.

 And He is creating a beautiful story of His redemption, His power, His restoration, and His love.

And, that's what I wanted to tell my friends today.