Doors

I have a little notebook I started keeping around the time that I was taking a class called "Exploring the Prophetic" at church.  The class was somewhat out of my comfort zone.  I grew up in what I now know would be considered a cessationist church....a church that believes that the more charismatic spiritual gifts ended with the new testament, prophecy among them.

Opening my eyes to the possibility that God can still speak to us through the prophetic today was a stretch for me.  I started the class with a good bit of skepticism & cynicism.  I think we've all seen the questionable 'prophets' on the internet or tv who claim to have words from God.

I'll have to write more about the class and what I took away from it at another time.  But, I did come away believing that God can still speak to us today in a variety of ways.

I had started keeping a little journal of words that I believed God had for me.  I hadn't written much in the journal in the last several days because I'd been feeling...disillusioned?  cynical?

How did I know I was really hearing God?  How did I know I wasn't just making this stuff up in my head?  And, if I AM communing with God, then why can't I get a grip on the areas where I struggle?  Like with depression...and food?

A couple weeks ago I was reading in Revelations.  And, I came across Revelation 3:7-8.  It was Jesus speaking in the section where he was addressing the 7 churches.  It says,

"To the angel of the church in Philadelphia write:
These are the words of thim who is holy and true, who holds the key of David.
What he opens no one can shut and what he shuts no one can open.
I know your deeds.  See I have placed before you an open door that no one can shut.  I know you have little strength, yet you have kept my word and have not denied my name."
I had heard many people talking about God opening doors for them.  But, I always figured it was just a nice sentiment that people have come up with to describe God's faithfulness.  Yes, here it was, out of Jesus own mouth.

"And what he opens no one can shut.  What he shuts no one can open."

These verses affirming His sovereignty over all things was very soothing and comforting to me.

I had even shared that verse with others over the last couple weeks to people I felt would be touched by it.

Then, over the last couple weeks I've sunk into a funk.  This winter has been hard on me.  It may only be seasonal depression.  But, the depression is still there...and it stinks. And, I haven't been communing with God like I should.

It  may seem odd, but one of the things that has been on my mind so much lately is the question of adoption.  There is a part of me that feels we are meant to adopt one or two older children into our family.  Is God really leading us in this direction?

There seem to be so many barriers.  Financial barriers.  Time barriers.  But, most of all, my own failings as a mother...as a person...seem the largest barrier of all.  How can I even consider bringing a child with extreme needs into our daily chaos?

Then, today, I came across the latest post on A Holy Experience, Ann Voskamp's blog.  She had a guest writer for this post.  The title was "How to Walk Through When You See No Way."

The author discussed this topic of how God opens doors.  That it is our choice whether or not we will walk through that door.  That often all we have to go on is our faith that God opened it.

He references this same scripture in Revelation.  The words he wrote were already speaking to my heart.  The fact that he referenced this same scripture that spoke to me so profoundly a couple weeks earlier only confirmed in my heart that this was a word God had for me.

Then my eyes fell on a part of the scripture that somehow I had skimmed over before.

"I know your deeds.  See I have place before you an open door that no one can shut.  I know you have little strength yet you have kept my word and have not denied my name."

I know you have little strength.  It was as though God was speaking directly to me.  He knows!  He knows I'm weak.  He knows that I don't see how I could possibly walk through any of the doors He opens.  He knows and yet He still opens that door.

I don't know if one of the doors He is opening is for adoption.  But, I take comfort in knowing (being reminded really) that He knows my weaknesses and He promises to be my strength.  He can still use me even in my weakness.