"Slow & steady wins the race, right? Years & years (since I was a preteen!) of being on the weight loss/weight gain yo-yo ride has been discouraging & terrible for my overall health & well-being.
I've determined that I don't want to try any sort of weight loss methods that aren't going to have lasting results. I truly, truly want to change the way I think about food, act around food, the way I live. When I look at all the changes I can and/or should make for a healthier lifestyle it is so overwhelming.
My past method has been to jump all in, be really gung ho for a couple weeks (or in my best efforts, a few months) and then not be able to keep it up, make a few mistakes & throw in the towel completely. I've been an all or nothing kind of gal. The problem is, all or nothing doesn't work for me. I can't live that way. I need to ease into things a bit.
So, I've decided I'm going to start slow. I'm going to tackle one goal at a time. And, hopefully I can make some real, lasting changes. My first goal? To stop my night-time snacking. This is by far one of my biggest weaknesses...and honestly I think a lot of my weight gain recently has been because of this area.
And, I've been trying to keep this verse in mind when those night-time cravings hit (and they sure do hit hard!)..."For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline." (2 Timothy 1:7). Combining that knowledge & promise along with thinking about how much better I feel when I wake up in the morning without the bloat of night-time eating, I can usually hang on through those cravings. Continuing to pray for the strength in this area!"
This was a post I made on Facebook this week. And, I wanted to record it here so that I'd be able to come back & look at it when I needed to remind myself of my goals.
I actually started with another goal that I didn't mention in this particular post. That first goal was to make it a daily habit to spend time with God...in prayer, in reading His word, in worship. This, has been a really, really hard thing for me over the years. I'm not sure why. But, I go through seasons of hungering for His Word, and then longer seasons of spiritual dryness and spiritual apathy.
I had been in another rather long dry season. Oh, I was still going to church & feeling the presence of God & knowing I wanted more of Him. But, during the week I'd get so caught up in everything that needed done, or distracted by 'more interesting' things...like tv, the internet, etc that I really didn't spend time with God other than to throw out quick prayers now & then or occasionally listen to the Christian radio station. But, it wasn't enough.
I'm not sure what signaled a change in me recently. I guess it began around the time that I joined a group of women who were watching the video series that accompanied the book 'Made to Crave'. I had read about half of the book well over a year ago and came away somewhat discouraged actually. But, I thought maybe I wasn't reading the author's intent properly...and maybe seeing her speak would bring clarity.
The whole premise of the book & the video series is that we have a spiritual yearning & need for God. But, oftentimes we try to fill that spiritual need with other things....in this case, food specifically. I knew this to be true. And, I really felt like my first step at making any changes whatsoever HAD to be making time for God. Before I jumped into any other aspect of lifestyle changes related to healthier eating I HAD to tackle this issue first.
The first thing I did was write down 4 immediate goals...the idea was to tackle one a week. Those were...
1. Time with God each day. Even though the same time of day doesn't always work each day, I wanted to find a portion of time each day where I could read the Word & pray. I also didn't give myself a specific amount of time. I wanted to set easy, simple goals. The fewer parameters I put on myself, the less likely I was to fail. So, some days I've really gotten into my quiet time and have gone half and hour...even up to an hour. Other days it's been less...maybe 10 minutes or so. And, that's ok. I just try to find a time when no-one is around because I like to read the Bible out loud & I like to pray out loud. I find I'm able to concentrate & focus better that way & I find it feels more like I'm really communicating with God instead of it all just being in my head.
2. Night-time snacking. That's the main one I addressed in my Facebook post. But, I didn't feel like I could even begin to start that one until I had #1 under my belt. And, you know what, it hasn't been as difficult as I thought it might be. The first couple nights were rough. Man those cravings hit me hard! But, when I thought about how good I would feel the next morning if I didn't snack I was able to hold on. Also, I've found that having a good book to read instead of just passively watching tv has helped me keep my mind off food.
3. Water. I'm pretty good about drinking water throughout the day. I always have a glass of water sitting on the kitchen counter. But, I want to be more conscious of drinking even more.
4. Movement. I want to do something each day to get my body moving more...whether it be taking a walk, sledding with my boys, playing Wii boxing, dancing. I want to do something to get my heart rate up a bit. Notice I did NOT call it exercise. Exercise sounds so formal and...well, intimidating. But, movement I can do.
So, I'm on items 1 & 2 right now. And, I'm pleased with how it's going. I'm not seeing a change in my weight yet. But, I FEEL better. And, I'm going with that. I'm keeping in mind that the ultimate goal is lasting changes. And to get there, it has to feel natural. For it to feel natural, it will take time.
Monday, February 10, 2014
Thursday, January 23, 2014
My Proverbial Wake Up Calll
I debated on whether or not I was going to share this because I'm kinda embarrassed & sobered all at the same time. Last night I went to the ER because of severe chest pains. I thought I might be having a heart attack.
The pain came on suddenly around 7 & was quite intense. Friends of ours had just arrived for our small group Bible Study. One moment I was talking & smiling and the next this sharp pain hit me out of the blue. It was on the left side of my chest & radiated down my arm. I tried to keep smiling and talking, but the sharp pain kept returning. Finally I pulled John aside and told him I was having really bad chest pains & I needed to go upstairs & lay down for a minute. When I lay down it was a duller pain, but it never went away. When I stood up or moved around I'd have sharp, stabbing pains again.. I was a little freaked out.
After laying down for a few minutes I decided to just try to suck it up and go back downstairs and be with our group. I felt silly & I didn't want to draw attention to myself and wanted to try to proceed with the evening as normal. I tried sitting & interacting, but the pain came back with a vengeance & I couldn't concentrate on anything being said. My one friend noticed that something seemed wrong. They prayed for me. And another gal, who is a nurse, even took my blood pressure (It was normal). After everyone left, I lay down some more while John got the boys ready for bed.
I had a really hard time deciding whether or not to go to the ER because I hoped it was just a fluke & I didn't want to go in unnecessarily. But, at the same time, I didn't want to just poopoo it in the event it was something serious. Not to sound melodramatic, but I definitely considered how important it is for my four little boys to have their mom. So reluctantly I had John take me in. His sister (who lives next door) came over & stayed with the boys.
After an EKG, chest xray, & blood work all the results came back normal. When the doctor came back to talk to me, he asked if I had done any strenuous activity lately. At that point I already had been given some pain medication & a relaxant. I was feeling pretty mellow & was really tired. I wasn't thinking too clearly & I couldn't think of anything unusual I had done. The doctor felt that the issue was probably muscular. And, he told me that I should take pain medicine as necessary & follow up in a couple days with my family doctor.
It wasn't until I got home that I remembered that I had gone sledding with the boys the day before & done some light shoveling. The part that really perplexed me, & still does, is that I hadn't had any pain or soreness prior to last night. And, it come on suddenly & acutely. The thought that it could be stress related also occurred to me. I love my boys fiercely, but raising four boys age 10 & under is sometimes loud, chaotic, messy business. And, we're all kind on top of each other during these winter months in our little house. In addition, John & I have been under some financial strain & the weight of multiple responsibilities weighs on both of us.
Anyway. Why am I sharing all this? Well, as I mentioned, in addition to being embarrassed for going into the ER thinking I was possibly having a heart attack & finding out it was probably only muscle spasms, it also got me thinking again about my health.
I hated having to admit my weight to the nurse last night when she asked my height & weight. I know I'm not as healthy as I can be. And, I know I'm overweight. I want to be an active mom with my boys. And I still want to be active and healthy when I hopefully someday have grandkids.
I am beyond frustrated with the yo-yo effect I've experienced with weight loss over the course of most of my life. I am beyond frustrated that I can't seem to gain any self-control in this area of food. And, I'm beyond frustrated with how quickly I can feel my body aging & failing me.
I know lots of folks have tried lots of different programs that have helped them lose weight. I have had many friends share their success stories that they've had with some of these different programs. But, none of those programs feels right for me. As beneficial as some people have found it, I just don't want to take dietary aids, drink shakes, do cleanses, count calories religiously or use any other point system involving food. I just want to learn how to eat food like a normal, healthy person. I want to learn how to LIVE.
So, while this wasn't a heart attack, I was sobered last night because I know that someday it COULD be. If I don't take care of myself I'm inviting a whole host of health issues to take root. When I was younger, I could ignore all that. I still felt invincible. The older I become the more aware I am of how fragile the balance is & how much of a blessing good health is.
Last night was my wake up call. I just need to figure out what's next.
The pain came on suddenly around 7 & was quite intense. Friends of ours had just arrived for our small group Bible Study. One moment I was talking & smiling and the next this sharp pain hit me out of the blue. It was on the left side of my chest & radiated down my arm. I tried to keep smiling and talking, but the sharp pain kept returning. Finally I pulled John aside and told him I was having really bad chest pains & I needed to go upstairs & lay down for a minute. When I lay down it was a duller pain, but it never went away. When I stood up or moved around I'd have sharp, stabbing pains again.. I was a little freaked out.
After laying down for a few minutes I decided to just try to suck it up and go back downstairs and be with our group. I felt silly & I didn't want to draw attention to myself and wanted to try to proceed with the evening as normal. I tried sitting & interacting, but the pain came back with a vengeance & I couldn't concentrate on anything being said. My one friend noticed that something seemed wrong. They prayed for me. And another gal, who is a nurse, even took my blood pressure (It was normal). After everyone left, I lay down some more while John got the boys ready for bed.
I had a really hard time deciding whether or not to go to the ER because I hoped it was just a fluke & I didn't want to go in unnecessarily. But, at the same time, I didn't want to just poopoo it in the event it was something serious. Not to sound melodramatic, but I definitely considered how important it is for my four little boys to have their mom. So reluctantly I had John take me in. His sister (who lives next door) came over & stayed with the boys.
After an EKG, chest xray, & blood work all the results came back normal. When the doctor came back to talk to me, he asked if I had done any strenuous activity lately. At that point I already had been given some pain medication & a relaxant. I was feeling pretty mellow & was really tired. I wasn't thinking too clearly & I couldn't think of anything unusual I had done. The doctor felt that the issue was probably muscular. And, he told me that I should take pain medicine as necessary & follow up in a couple days with my family doctor.
It wasn't until I got home that I remembered that I had gone sledding with the boys the day before & done some light shoveling. The part that really perplexed me, & still does, is that I hadn't had any pain or soreness prior to last night. And, it come on suddenly & acutely. The thought that it could be stress related also occurred to me. I love my boys fiercely, but raising four boys age 10 & under is sometimes loud, chaotic, messy business. And, we're all kind on top of each other during these winter months in our little house. In addition, John & I have been under some financial strain & the weight of multiple responsibilities weighs on both of us.
Anyway. Why am I sharing all this? Well, as I mentioned, in addition to being embarrassed for going into the ER thinking I was possibly having a heart attack & finding out it was probably only muscle spasms, it also got me thinking again about my health.
I hated having to admit my weight to the nurse last night when she asked my height & weight. I know I'm not as healthy as I can be. And, I know I'm overweight. I want to be an active mom with my boys. And I still want to be active and healthy when I hopefully someday have grandkids.
I am beyond frustrated with the yo-yo effect I've experienced with weight loss over the course of most of my life. I am beyond frustrated that I can't seem to gain any self-control in this area of food. And, I'm beyond frustrated with how quickly I can feel my body aging & failing me.
I know lots of folks have tried lots of different programs that have helped them lose weight. I have had many friends share their success stories that they've had with some of these different programs. But, none of those programs feels right for me. As beneficial as some people have found it, I just don't want to take dietary aids, drink shakes, do cleanses, count calories religiously or use any other point system involving food. I just want to learn how to eat food like a normal, healthy person. I want to learn how to LIVE.
So, while this wasn't a heart attack, I was sobered last night because I know that someday it COULD be. If I don't take care of myself I'm inviting a whole host of health issues to take root. When I was younger, I could ignore all that. I still felt invincible. The older I become the more aware I am of how fragile the balance is & how much of a blessing good health is.
Last night was my wake up call. I just need to figure out what's next.
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Snow Day
However, this morning as I looked at the snow & I felt the excitement of my children...SNOW and a DAY OFF....I thought about the kind of mom I want to be, the kind of mom I often think about. I want to be a fun mom. Do you know that it's probably been years since I actually went out and PLAYED in the snow with my boys. Oh, I've stood there & watched sometimes or ran outside to snap a few pictures, but usually I just watch from the kitchen window inside my nice, warm house.
I recently read a story that someone had linked to on Facebook. I won't go through the whole story here. But suffice to say it was one of those that are touching...and maybe just a little sappy. But, the part of the story that really stuck with me was a mom who decided to run & dance in the rain with her daughter. I want to be the kind of mom who dances in the rain with her children. Or for that matter, who plays in the snow & screams her head off while sledding down the hill with them.
So what was I waiting for?
I threw on my boots & put a pair of sweat pants over my jeans because I don't have a proper pair of snowpants. Thankfully I DO have a good winter jacket my parents bought me for Christmas a couple years back. I couldn't find my hat & gloves so I grabbed an extra hat & pair of gloves that belong to my boys (Ugh! How are they big enough that I can wear some of their things now?) And out I went.
A couple of my boys were already planning to head out again. Another one was planning on staying in for a bit. He had just come back inside. But, when I announced that I was heading out with them, there was a bit of disbelief at first. But, then they ALL ran for their snow stuff to head outside with Mom.
I sledded with each of them. I screamed like a crazy woman going down the hill. I got cold & wet. My non-snowpant covered bottom was freezing. I just hung out with my boys. I thought about taking out a camera to capture 'fun in the snow' moments. But, I decided instead just to be out there with them. In the moment.
And, I gotta say, it was pretty cool.
Friday, January 3, 2014
A Fresh Start
Happy New Year. I hope everyone had a truly blessed Christmas.
I've been thinking about this coming year & some things I want to accomplish or change. I'm really terrible at resolutions because I usually fall off the bandwagon so quickly...and can't even remember what I resolved a couple months into the year. So, these aren't resolutions per se but these are some areas I want to be more intentional about this year....
1. Get healthier. Eat better. Exercise more (anything is more than not at all!). I've gained all the weight back that I lost a couple years ago...plus some. I feel uncomfortable & lethargic most of the time. My father was just diagnosed with diabetes and I found out that diabetes runs on his side of the family ( didn't know this before). It's time for me to take my health more seriously before I have a serious health problem.
2. Less time on Facebook. Facebook has been both a blessing and a curse. It has been an outlet for me & a way to stay connected. As a stay at home mom I often feel somewhat isolated. I enjoy the interaction that Facebook allows. And, I've gotten to know people better through Facebook. But Facebook has it's negatives too. First of all, it can become a cop-out for real face to face interactions with friends. It pulls me away from valuable time with my family & becomes a huge time-wasting distraction. And, I end up spending way too much time following links & reading things that just break my heart & make me wonder what is happening to humanity. ( Even positive article links usually contain vile, hateful comments in the online comments section).
So, I'm not abandoning Facebook altogether. I still think it can be a valuable tool. But, I don't want to let it control my time, my relationships, and my emotions any more.
3. I want to become more hospitable. I have used the excuse that our home is small & not conducive to entertaining as an excuse not to have people over. I guess I've worried that people wouldn't WANT to come if they will feel cramped. Well, our home IS small. But, I love the idea of hostessing more. So, this year I want to turn it into reality. Granted I can't have large dinner parties or other huge events. But, I can have people over for coffee or dessert. I can start small.
4. Become better organized. This is a tough one for me. And, I could go on and on about this topic. But, what it comes down to is that I feel better when I feel more organized & less cluttered or scattered. I want to take areas in my home in small chunks this year & slowly work toward having a more organized home. I will never be like some of my Type A or OCD friends. But, that's ok. I think sometimes I've held that in my mind as the standard & it seem so completely unattainable to me. So, I had kinda given up hope. But, I don't have to meet someone else's standard. I just would like our home to be warm, inviting, & manageable.
5. Get to know God better. Explore, Read, Pray, Question, & Meditate on Who He is. It might seem an odd one for someone who accepted Jesus into her life at a very young age. And, although I fell away for almost a whole decade (in my 20s), I came out of that time with a better understanding of Grace. But, I feel like I'm still just scratching the surface. And, I've been really searching in the last couple years. I want my Faith to be more than just surface deep. In this changing world, my Faith HAS to be more than surface deep to survive. I want to hide the Word of God deep in my heart & mind & soul. And, I want to be more than just a nominal Christian. I want to understand what it means to be an ambassador of the Father's radical love.
Oh, and I'd like to start blogging again more regularly. :) What are some things you want to do in this coming year?
I've been thinking about this coming year & some things I want to accomplish or change. I'm really terrible at resolutions because I usually fall off the bandwagon so quickly...and can't even remember what I resolved a couple months into the year. So, these aren't resolutions per se but these are some areas I want to be more intentional about this year....
1. Get healthier. Eat better. Exercise more (anything is more than not at all!). I've gained all the weight back that I lost a couple years ago...plus some. I feel uncomfortable & lethargic most of the time. My father was just diagnosed with diabetes and I found out that diabetes runs on his side of the family ( didn't know this before). It's time for me to take my health more seriously before I have a serious health problem.
2. Less time on Facebook. Facebook has been both a blessing and a curse. It has been an outlet for me & a way to stay connected. As a stay at home mom I often feel somewhat isolated. I enjoy the interaction that Facebook allows. And, I've gotten to know people better through Facebook. But Facebook has it's negatives too. First of all, it can become a cop-out for real face to face interactions with friends. It pulls me away from valuable time with my family & becomes a huge time-wasting distraction. And, I end up spending way too much time following links & reading things that just break my heart & make me wonder what is happening to humanity. ( Even positive article links usually contain vile, hateful comments in the online comments section).
So, I'm not abandoning Facebook altogether. I still think it can be a valuable tool. But, I don't want to let it control my time, my relationships, and my emotions any more.
3. I want to become more hospitable. I have used the excuse that our home is small & not conducive to entertaining as an excuse not to have people over. I guess I've worried that people wouldn't WANT to come if they will feel cramped. Well, our home IS small. But, I love the idea of hostessing more. So, this year I want to turn it into reality. Granted I can't have large dinner parties or other huge events. But, I can have people over for coffee or dessert. I can start small.
4. Become better organized. This is a tough one for me. And, I could go on and on about this topic. But, what it comes down to is that I feel better when I feel more organized & less cluttered or scattered. I want to take areas in my home in small chunks this year & slowly work toward having a more organized home. I will never be like some of my Type A or OCD friends. But, that's ok. I think sometimes I've held that in my mind as the standard & it seem so completely unattainable to me. So, I had kinda given up hope. But, I don't have to meet someone else's standard. I just would like our home to be warm, inviting, & manageable.
5. Get to know God better. Explore, Read, Pray, Question, & Meditate on Who He is. It might seem an odd one for someone who accepted Jesus into her life at a very young age. And, although I fell away for almost a whole decade (in my 20s), I came out of that time with a better understanding of Grace. But, I feel like I'm still just scratching the surface. And, I've been really searching in the last couple years. I want my Faith to be more than just surface deep. In this changing world, my Faith HAS to be more than surface deep to survive. I want to hide the Word of God deep in my heart & mind & soul. And, I want to be more than just a nominal Christian. I want to understand what it means to be an ambassador of the Father's radical love.
Oh, and I'd like to start blogging again more regularly. :) What are some things you want to do in this coming year?
Monday, November 4, 2013
Facebook Stole Me Away From Blogging
I haven't blogged in a really, really long time. And, I guess it comes down to this. Facebook stole me away. After all on Facebook I can post quick snippets of life & get quick...sometimes immediate...feedback from people I know. It became a way to stay connected when I felt completely isolated in my often mundane, repetitive mommy life.
I began blogging as an outlet too. I've always enjoyed writing and I discovered that blogging was like journaling, yet with interaction with those who read what I had to say. But blogging also took time & thought...and I didn't always get the validation I was looking for.
Ah! There. Can I say it? I'm a validation addict. And, facebook offered me that. So, I slowly wrote less & less on my blog & more and more on my facebook page.
And, THEN I discovered something else! I discovered yard sale groups on Facebook. Now this alone didn't suck me in. I really had no need or use for baby clothes, toys, CD's, and other odds & ends that would pop up on those groups for sale. BUT, I love furniture & vintage items. And, I discovered that I could create a group. And I did.
Almost a year and a half ago I started a local group on Facebook for buying & selling furniture, vintage, & household (decor) items. I thought I'd be lucky if I'd reach 50 members on that group. After all I'd been blogging for almost 3 years and had right around 60 followers. But, the group exploded. And, now we have over 3800 members!
So my time became consumed by this group. As an administrator of it, I've been handling issues that arise. I've been going to auctions & buying and then re-selling on the group....not enough to have a full-fledged business, but enough to give our family a little extra spending money. And, we've (the group now has a team of administrators) even organized two LARGE vintage sales in our area. The last one just took place this weekend. And, we were able to raise money for a local ministry that means a lot to me.
And, I'm saying all this not to toot my own horn. But, to explain where I've been and what I've been doing. And, do you know what I realized this weekend once the vintage sale was over & I could finally sit down for a minute & think and breathe? All of the busy-ness I had thrown myself into with the group, with the sale, everything...despite any other reasons I might give...came down to one thing, one motivation. A need for validation.
I realized that I'd thrown myself into all this feeling like I had something to prove. Feeling like I needed to be more than "just" a stay at home mom. You see I have a lot of friends who work full-time. They travel. They have meetings. They have responsibilities outside the home. And, they still have the responsibility of their home and their families. And, I felt like I wasn't enough. I felt like I needed to show that I could do something important too.
And, each time we reached a milestone with group members, each time I planned an event, each time I made a little more money for our family, deep inside I thought this gave me some importance beyond my family responsibilities. I felt like I did something that mattered. Like I mattered.
But, when some of my closest friends didn't come to the sale on Saturday. When they weren't there to see what I had worked so hard on. When, I realized that they would still just think of the furniture & vintage group as a 'hobby' because they didn't SEE what I had pulled off.....well that's when it really hit me what my motivation had been.
And, that realization kinda sucked.
On top of this, my oldest son had been struggling for about 3 weeks leading up to the sale. He didn't want to go to school. Every morning became a fight. He cried. He moaned. He whined. And, he was obviously stressed & upset. We talked to him many, many times. We couldn't figure out what was upsetting him so much. He said nobody was giving him a hard time at school. He liked his teachers. He was doing very well in his classes. All he could tell us is that school was boring & pointless & he didn't like spending his entire day there. But, the behaviors we were seeing in him didn't match this problem. Lots of kids would rather not be at school and think it's boring. But, he was becoming borderline hysterical about not wanting to go.
One morning we reached the breaking point. He hid when the bus came & refused to get on. The bus left with his brothers & I had to drive him to school. Once we reached school I walked him inside but he refused to go into his classroom. We eventually needed the help of the principal to keep him there and the principal pretty much had to block his office door so my son couldn't follow me when I left.
I was so upset that morning. What was going on with my boy? Why was he acting like this? I tried to think of what had changed over the last few weeks to trigger this in him. The thought that I'd been pretty busy planning the vintage sale came to mind. But, THAT couldn't be it, could it? But when my mother-in-law said something similar to me that day....that she knew how important the sale was to me, but that maybe my son was picking up on my stress & was feeling like he needed more of me...I knew that was it.
I talked to my son that night...calmly. And, finally I started to understand. He did need me. He felt like both John & I had been so busy that there wasn't time to do things together as a family. He always felt rushed. He wanted time with us.
So, I reached another conclusion. That my children, my family needs me. And, that IS important. As a matter of fact, apart from my relationship with God, my husband and my children are THE most important things to me.
So, where am I going with all this? Well, my dear friend Callie made a suggestion to me a couple months back. She suggested I return to blogging instead of (and she made a gestures to indicate the meaning) spewing things out on Facebook. So here I am. I'm at a point where I need to re-evaluate a lot of things. My motivations. What is important to me. And, where my value really comes from.
Writing has always helped me organize my thoughts. So here I am. Again.
I began blogging as an outlet too. I've always enjoyed writing and I discovered that blogging was like journaling, yet with interaction with those who read what I had to say. But blogging also took time & thought...and I didn't always get the validation I was looking for.
Ah! There. Can I say it? I'm a validation addict. And, facebook offered me that. So, I slowly wrote less & less on my blog & more and more on my facebook page.
And, THEN I discovered something else! I discovered yard sale groups on Facebook. Now this alone didn't suck me in. I really had no need or use for baby clothes, toys, CD's, and other odds & ends that would pop up on those groups for sale. BUT, I love furniture & vintage items. And, I discovered that I could create a group. And I did.
Almost a year and a half ago I started a local group on Facebook for buying & selling furniture, vintage, & household (decor) items. I thought I'd be lucky if I'd reach 50 members on that group. After all I'd been blogging for almost 3 years and had right around 60 followers. But, the group exploded. And, now we have over 3800 members!
So my time became consumed by this group. As an administrator of it, I've been handling issues that arise. I've been going to auctions & buying and then re-selling on the group....not enough to have a full-fledged business, but enough to give our family a little extra spending money. And, we've (the group now has a team of administrators) even organized two LARGE vintage sales in our area. The last one just took place this weekend. And, we were able to raise money for a local ministry that means a lot to me.
And, I'm saying all this not to toot my own horn. But, to explain where I've been and what I've been doing. And, do you know what I realized this weekend once the vintage sale was over & I could finally sit down for a minute & think and breathe? All of the busy-ness I had thrown myself into with the group, with the sale, everything...despite any other reasons I might give...came down to one thing, one motivation. A need for validation.
I realized that I'd thrown myself into all this feeling like I had something to prove. Feeling like I needed to be more than "just" a stay at home mom. You see I have a lot of friends who work full-time. They travel. They have meetings. They have responsibilities outside the home. And, they still have the responsibility of their home and their families. And, I felt like I wasn't enough. I felt like I needed to show that I could do something important too.
And, each time we reached a milestone with group members, each time I planned an event, each time I made a little more money for our family, deep inside I thought this gave me some importance beyond my family responsibilities. I felt like I did something that mattered. Like I mattered.
But, when some of my closest friends didn't come to the sale on Saturday. When they weren't there to see what I had worked so hard on. When, I realized that they would still just think of the furniture & vintage group as a 'hobby' because they didn't SEE what I had pulled off.....well that's when it really hit me what my motivation had been.
And, that realization kinda sucked.
On top of this, my oldest son had been struggling for about 3 weeks leading up to the sale. He didn't want to go to school. Every morning became a fight. He cried. He moaned. He whined. And, he was obviously stressed & upset. We talked to him many, many times. We couldn't figure out what was upsetting him so much. He said nobody was giving him a hard time at school. He liked his teachers. He was doing very well in his classes. All he could tell us is that school was boring & pointless & he didn't like spending his entire day there. But, the behaviors we were seeing in him didn't match this problem. Lots of kids would rather not be at school and think it's boring. But, he was becoming borderline hysterical about not wanting to go.
One morning we reached the breaking point. He hid when the bus came & refused to get on. The bus left with his brothers & I had to drive him to school. Once we reached school I walked him inside but he refused to go into his classroom. We eventually needed the help of the principal to keep him there and the principal pretty much had to block his office door so my son couldn't follow me when I left.
I was so upset that morning. What was going on with my boy? Why was he acting like this? I tried to think of what had changed over the last few weeks to trigger this in him. The thought that I'd been pretty busy planning the vintage sale came to mind. But, THAT couldn't be it, could it? But when my mother-in-law said something similar to me that day....that she knew how important the sale was to me, but that maybe my son was picking up on my stress & was feeling like he needed more of me...I knew that was it.
I talked to my son that night...calmly. And, finally I started to understand. He did need me. He felt like both John & I had been so busy that there wasn't time to do things together as a family. He always felt rushed. He wanted time with us.
So, I reached another conclusion. That my children, my family needs me. And, that IS important. As a matter of fact, apart from my relationship with God, my husband and my children are THE most important things to me.
So, where am I going with all this? Well, my dear friend Callie made a suggestion to me a couple months back. She suggested I return to blogging instead of (and she made a gestures to indicate the meaning) spewing things out on Facebook. So here I am. I'm at a point where I need to re-evaluate a lot of things. My motivations. What is important to me. And, where my value really comes from.
Writing has always helped me organize my thoughts. So here I am. Again.
Friday, May 24, 2013
Boy Band
I'm probably the only one who will take great amusement with this. But, since this blog is something I also get printed in book form once a year & is my form of a scrapbook, I'm putting it on here.
Several weeks ago my Father in law took the boys hiking. This was one of the pictures he took. And, it just cracks me up because I thought to myself, "Hey! It kinda looks like it should be a band photo....everyone looks either irritated or disinterested except the guy in the front."
Several weeks ago my Father in law took the boys hiking. This was one of the pictures he took. And, it just cracks me up because I thought to myself, "Hey! It kinda looks like it should be a band photo....everyone looks either irritated or disinterested except the guy in the front."
So, if my boys ever decide to start a band, they've got their album cover.
Friday, April 26, 2013
A Bit Humbled
So, today has not been my favorite day. First, I thought today was my mom's group meeting. I got to the church & the parking lot was empty. I apparently had my weeks mixed up. I've been pretty scatterbrained lately so it's not a huge shock that I goofed. I took advantage of the situation & checked out a few yard sales on the way home.
I still had to meet some folks about 20 minutes from my house around lunchtime with some furniture they were buying from me. I had planned the meetup for today because I was going to be about halfway there for the mom's meeting (I thought). So, I headed back out & made my transaction. The kids weren't thrilled about all the extra driving around today so I decided that I was going to treat them to lunch from Arby's which is just up the road from my house.
On the way, I decided to get off the exit before mine because earlier in the day (when I made my trip to the non-existant mom's meeting) I saw a set of under the bed storage drawers along the side of the road for free. I couldn't fit them in my van earlier because I had all the other furniture in it. So, I decided to go back & see if they were still there.
They were. But, t hey were still too long to fit into my van with 2 younger children with me. So, I had to pass them up yet again. Since we were out that direction & not far from a Sonic, I asked my boys if they wanted to go to Sonic instead.
Now, coming from the direction we were I had to make a left turn into the Sonic parking lot. And, I'll be honest, there is a sign there saying 'no left turn', but I always thought that sign had to be a mistake. I couldn't understand the reasoning & I had seen tons of people making that turn. I've done it before too. So, I turned in & pulled into an order spot.
I was in the middle of talking to my kids about what they wanted to have for their lunch when I notice a police officer walking up to my window. I was honestly confused. "Um. Can I help you?" I asked. And, that's when he informed me I made an illegal left turn and he asked for my driver's license and registration. I was somewhat surprised...even though I'd seen that sign. I apologized, told him I made a mistake, & gave him my information. I REALLY thought he'd give me a warning.
The most embarrassing thing was being pulled into the Sonic order space with a police cruiser parking me in, lights flashing. Two different Sonic employees walked over...one to ask if I needed any sauces!!!! And, the other with the food we'd ordered (I figured I may as well still go ahead and place my order). Both were smirking a bit.
The officer came back and sure enough he gave me a citation....a very expensive citation. I was humiliated, upset...and ,yes, a little angry. My thoughts were, 'This is so unfair!!! People do this all the time. I apologized. I made a mistake. It seemed like a minor infraction to me. It seemed like something he should have said, "Please be more aware and don't do it again." But, it didn't happen that way & I was not happy. It was the most expensive Sonic kid's meals ever.
On the way home, I called my husband. My kids heard me ranting to my husband. I ranted some more to him when he came home from work. I posted about it on Facebook. I felt so wronged & so angry. I ate too many chocolate covered raisins & only felt more sick. So, then I took a nap with my kids & woke up even more grumpy.
I'm not sure what stopped me in my tracks. But, suddenly it occurred to me. What kind of message was I sending my kids? I knowingly broke a rule. I got caught. And, I had a consequence. Yet, here I was going on & on about how I thought the consequence was unfair and how mean the police officer was for giving me a consequence. Mature right?
But, it wasn't the police officers job to determine what kind of day I'd had or what kind of driver I normally am (I pride myself on being a safe & careful driver). His job was to enforce the law. And, he did. And, I was wrong.
And now I need to eat some humble pie & talk to my children about how Mommy's attitude today was wrong.
I still had to meet some folks about 20 minutes from my house around lunchtime with some furniture they were buying from me. I had planned the meetup for today because I was going to be about halfway there for the mom's meeting (I thought). So, I headed back out & made my transaction. The kids weren't thrilled about all the extra driving around today so I decided that I was going to treat them to lunch from Arby's which is just up the road from my house.
On the way, I decided to get off the exit before mine because earlier in the day (when I made my trip to the non-existant mom's meeting) I saw a set of under the bed storage drawers along the side of the road for free. I couldn't fit them in my van earlier because I had all the other furniture in it. So, I decided to go back & see if they were still there.
They were. But, t hey were still too long to fit into my van with 2 younger children with me. So, I had to pass them up yet again. Since we were out that direction & not far from a Sonic, I asked my boys if they wanted to go to Sonic instead.
Now, coming from the direction we were I had to make a left turn into the Sonic parking lot. And, I'll be honest, there is a sign there saying 'no left turn', but I always thought that sign had to be a mistake. I couldn't understand the reasoning & I had seen tons of people making that turn. I've done it before too. So, I turned in & pulled into an order spot.
I was in the middle of talking to my kids about what they wanted to have for their lunch when I notice a police officer walking up to my window. I was honestly confused. "Um. Can I help you?" I asked. And, that's when he informed me I made an illegal left turn and he asked for my driver's license and registration. I was somewhat surprised...even though I'd seen that sign. I apologized, told him I made a mistake, & gave him my information. I REALLY thought he'd give me a warning.
The most embarrassing thing was being pulled into the Sonic order space with a police cruiser parking me in, lights flashing. Two different Sonic employees walked over...one to ask if I needed any sauces!!!! And, the other with the food we'd ordered (I figured I may as well still go ahead and place my order). Both were smirking a bit.
The officer came back and sure enough he gave me a citation....a very expensive citation. I was humiliated, upset...and ,yes, a little angry. My thoughts were, 'This is so unfair!!! People do this all the time. I apologized. I made a mistake. It seemed like a minor infraction to me. It seemed like something he should have said, "Please be more aware and don't do it again." But, it didn't happen that way & I was not happy. It was the most expensive Sonic kid's meals ever.
On the way home, I called my husband. My kids heard me ranting to my husband. I ranted some more to him when he came home from work. I posted about it on Facebook. I felt so wronged & so angry. I ate too many chocolate covered raisins & only felt more sick. So, then I took a nap with my kids & woke up even more grumpy.
I'm not sure what stopped me in my tracks. But, suddenly it occurred to me. What kind of message was I sending my kids? I knowingly broke a rule. I got caught. And, I had a consequence. Yet, here I was going on & on about how I thought the consequence was unfair and how mean the police officer was for giving me a consequence. Mature right?
But, it wasn't the police officers job to determine what kind of day I'd had or what kind of driver I normally am (I pride myself on being a safe & careful driver). His job was to enforce the law. And, he did. And, I was wrong.
And now I need to eat some humble pie & talk to my children about how Mommy's attitude today was wrong.
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