We have been going through a season where I feel like myself and my family are under attack. Not a physical, earthly attack per se - although there are aspects of the physical & earthly taking place. No, it is a spiritual attack that is trying to tear us down. We can't seem to catch a break and the punches keep coming in the form of....
- An exceedingly difficult winter in terms of sickness. We've all be sick multiple times this winter & it has worn us all down. Every time we think we are in the clear, someone else becomes sick. (As I write this, my oldest is on the couch home from school because he is ill).
- An exceedingly difficult winter in terms of seasonal depression. This is mostly my issue. I always struggle with depression in the winter. But, this winter it's been severe and relentless.
- Stresses at work. This one has been huge for John. And, it goes beyond your typical day to day work stresses. There has been an environment of hostility and betrayal building at his job that is beyond my understanding. John is usually pretty even keeled in his emotions. I'm the emotional one. He's the rational one. He approaches problems by trying to find solutions - not allowing himself to be frustrated by them. But, the situations at his work place have taken their toll on him. I've never seen him as discouraged, frustrated, and depressed as he is now. And, that carries over to our family. As his wife, I hate to see him this way. I also tend to absorb the emotions of others. So, when he's hurting, I'm hurting.
- Financial struggles - We are always able to pay our bills. And, for this I'm so grateful. But, lately it feels like we are treading water, trying to keep our heads from going under. And, with all the other stresses, it feels even more burdensome.
- Questions about my future - I'm trying to decide whether to move forward in my business & my role in coordinating vintage markets. It has taken a lot of my time and I've seen very little benefit. I become very stressed over it & this too affects my family.
- Questions about the church/faith - I've never been so personally close to God & so disillusioned with the Church. That sounds counter-intuitive. And, I suppose it is. I've been pressing in to God - pursuing Him and His plans & purposes. I feel like I'm hearing His voice - and then I see things in the Church (both local and as a whole) that leave me wondering if any of us can truly hear Him. How can we all claim to hear from God & hear such different things?
Overall, our lives are good. We are fed and warm and healthy in the largest sense (barring our winter illnesses). We have family & friends who love us. We live in relative comfort and safety.
But, these other things add up - making life seem so heavy. And, I start to wonder....Is this a spiritual attack? Or is it God allowing us to experience some of these things as a season of refining and sanctification?
I'm not sure how to tell the difference. I doubt my ability to discern correctly. So, I am doing all that I know to do. I'm reading his word. I'm praying. I keep asking and asking and asking....hoping that I'll hear Him clearly and without any room for doubt.
I keep coming across these preachers & speakers who talk about seeing angels, hearing audibly from God, or having visions as though they are normal, everyday things. And, listening to the nonchalant way in which they talk about it, I want to call their bluff. Because I know that if I heard right now from God in such a powerful, tangible, awe-inspiring way my tone would be anything but nonchalant.
And, I don't know that those are the types of experiences God is asking me to seek. I believe God speaks to us on a daily basis - but I also believe we often have to look hard & pay attention to see it. He saves those parting the clouds moments for rare occasions.
And, while I don't expect a physical parting of the skies, I'd love for him to part the clouds in my heart & my soul right now and shine a little light into a place that feels rather dark.
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