Who knows?
All I know is that I lost it big time. And, it was only about 8 or so in the morning.
This is what I posted on Facebook shortly after my explosion...
"I just completely lost it on my kids. Like mama meltdown crazy...7 on the Richter scale.The constant bickering makes me nuts. It makes me feel like I've completely failed in their earlier years where I should have clamped down harder on that kind of thing....but in the gentle yet firm way that I seem to also fail at."
Why did I post that? Was it a confession of sorts? A cry for help? A need to put words to what had just happened? What that post didn't capture was exactly how awful that moment was. The look of shock on the faces of my older two. The tears from my second to youngest. And the silence of my youngest...who is just getting over being sick...and him crawling into bed pulling the covers over himself.
And, it doesn't capture me crying...almost weeping....for the better part of an hour afterwards.
I did apologize to my children. But, I couldn't help but feel like the damage was done. I had screwed up again.
My heart burned inside me even more when my children offered little peace offerings in the form of working on the dishes I had started and had walked away from.... and a hug. Even the one who won't let me hug him anymore, the one who usually pushes me away, let me hug him & he hugged me back.
Being a mom is the one thing I knew without a doubt I was meant to do. From the time I was very young, I couldn't imagine a greater goal in my life than to have children of my own.
And, I was going to be awesome at it. I just knew it.
I've always had a very natural affinity with children. I can be so patient, gentle, enthusiastic, creative, nurturing.
But when I had kids of my own I discovered I also have a tendency toward anger, being easily irritated, being overwhelmed.
The thing that I thought was my talent....my greatest ability.. the thing that set me apart....has also been my greatest failure.
If I had been more patient when they were younger. If I had been firmer. If I had been more.....more like I thought I'd be. Maybe my children would now be gentler, more obedient, kinder, less prone to anger themselves.
Their younger years play back like a video reel in my mind. Times I reacted instead of responded. Times I was too angry, hurt, or depressed to be of much good to anyone. Times I yelled instead of corrected. Times, so many times, that I lost it.
And, then another image comes to my mind. A friend who is an advocate for adoption posted the profile & video last night of an 13 year old girl in a Chinese orphanage. 'Joy' is about to age out. The family she's desperately been waiting for, the one she's been convinced is on it's way....that family needs to reach her now or she will never have a family. And, the thing is, there is no family that has spoken for her, no family that is coming.
And, this speaks to me. Adoption is also something that has always been close to my heart. I always imagined that part of my role as 'mom' might come in the form of adoption.
Oh! This sweet girl singing a song in Chinese in celebration of her friend who is going home with his family in America. This sweet girl who has saved rolled up bits of colored paper in a jar to give to her family as a gift when they come. This sweet girl who has lived among other orphans in an orphanage her whole life. She needs me. At least that's my first thought.
But, after screaming....and I mean literally screaming.... at my children today like a banshee. And looking at the chaos & arguing & tension that seems to reign in our house, I think 'How could I ever bring that peaceful, gentle child into our mess?'. Has an orphanage done a better job in raising a child than I have?
I jotted these words down earlier today. I scribbled them across the top of a magazine page - the closest piece of paper i had. Words I had not shared on Facebook.
"Here I am again - ridiculously unable to do anything in my own strength."
Ridiculously unable.
Not just unable.
I am ridiculously unable.
Oh. And, my word for this year was 'Stronger'. Ha!
Sure. I can feel like I'm riding the wave, like I'm succeeding at my goals. For a while. But, when I crash...and I always crash, it's hard and painful. And, really, it's kind of ridiculous.
I'm ridiculously unable to parent in my own strength.
I'm ridiculously unable to stick to a health & wellness plan.
I'm ridiculously unable to stay organized and on task.
I'm ridiculously unable to change any of my bad habits.
I am unable.
Ridiculously so.
Perhaps the most ridiculous part is thinking that I ever had my stuff together at all. Failure is always just around the corner.
So, that magazine page that I scribbled those words across the top. That page held a very important paragraph in an article about spiritual nourishment. Go figure.
Actually, it's not an accident that that's where I scribbled those words. I'd been reading that article today...trying to soothe this gaping wound of failure. And, this paragraph caught me. It really caught me.
If you grew up in the church, you know how much a personal daily devotional time is stressed....that we need to spend time in the word and in prayer.
But, this was the first time that I read something that expressed it in a way that went beyond it being an obligation or an 'ought to'. This actually struck me that it's a NEED.
This comes from Charisma magazine (I have some issues with Charisma...but that's another topic, another time. And, this particular article was spot on.) The article was "Spiritual Nourishment: 4 Ways the Lord's Supper invites Christians to a richer, deeper spiritual walk." by Eric Wilson.
"When I hold the bread of Communion, I also reflect on the manna sent from heaven to the Israelites, as recounted in Exodus 16. The manna was sent on a daily basis, for immediate consumption. Those who hoarded it found that it rotted. Jesus wants to be my fresh sustenance, my daily bread. It is a mistake to think I can fill up on that bread, store some away and live off it for weeks to months to come. It will grow stale and leave me wanting. Bread is a reminder of God's deliverance and provision, and when enjoyed on a regular basis, it empowers me."
Wait. Hang on a second. Jesus is the Bread of Life. He calls himself that. He is also the Word.
The old testament foreshadows so much of what is to come, to be fulfilled in the form of Jesus.
But, I never thought about comparing manna - the nourishment God provided the Israelites to Jesus...the Word - the nourishment God provides us.
Just as God was trying to teach the Israelites the need for daily dependence on Him, he is trying to teach us the same.
How foolish am I for thinking that I am able to get through my days without daily going to Him?
Oh and hear me! This came across to me so differently than the guilt-driven ways I'd approached daily communion with God before. It suddenly was so clear & obvious to me, how desperately, completely we need Him and His nourishment each and every day.
And listen. I'd been having some really great times with God lately. I've been working on memorizing a Psalm. I've been praying. I've been reading. But, if I didn't get to it each day, well - you know.....life.
But, would I ever skip breakfast one day? Or my coffee?
What am I doing trying to get through my days without Him?
Who do I think I am?
Again, I am Ridiculously Unable. This was proven to me today.
And, also hear me, I don't think a daily time with God is necessarily going to eliminate our struggles, our anger, our tendency to heed the flesh.
BUT,
but I just....I just know that without Him I am ridiculously unable.
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