Who He Is

Life has dealt us some blows lately...some big, some small.  The cumulative effect is that I've been feeling very bruised and battered...tired, lacking in hope.  My heart feels particularly vulnerable right now.

I sat down this morning to journal.  And, I started to list the attributes and character of God....the things I felt so desperately in need of.  Tentatively I began.  He is...

Gentle
Tender
Gracious

And as I started writing them, more came to mind....

Forgiving
Faithful
Loving 
Merciful

Then, I became hungry for them...these words that remind me who He is.  I pulled out my Bible and I began listing as many as I could

Slow to Anger
Powerful
Unchanging
Provider
Protector
Perfecter
Peace Giver

And from there, the list grew and grew.  Each word/ characteristic a balm to my soul.

Mighty
Healer
Majestic
One Who Sees
All Knowing
Invincible
Joy Giver
Hope Giver
Fulfiller of Promises
Kind 
Just
Glorious
Fair
Everlasting
Ever Present
Encourager
Divine
Deliverer
Creator
Counselor
Covenant Maker
Compassionate
Comforter
Caring
Burden Bearer
Beautiful
Able

And, I could have gone on.  This only scratches the surface.  

When I remind myself of who He is my soul is soothed.  And, I know I can trust him with this bruised heart of mine.

Live

This morning I was scrolling through Facebook until I was stopped in my tracks.   There was a new Caring Bridge update for an old friend who was battling cancer.  Something told me this did not bode well.  There was just an update the night before saying she had been admitted to the hospital with a lot of pain.  

Even though I half knew what to expect, when I opened the update and saw that she had passed it was a gut punch.  

She had been fighting so hard.  She was believing for a miracle, for her complete healing.  

She had just celebrated completing her radiation a couple weeks ago...and then celebrated her 50th birthday about a week ago.

She wanted to live.

I remember reading a post she recently made in which she described how she was looking ahead to seeing her boys graduate, get married, and have babies.  She pictured herself years down the road holding her grandchildren on her lap.  

Cancer has stolen so much from so many.

And, I'm remembering how just last week, I was in such a dark place because of some of the things we are struggling with as a family.  Depression and despair were winning the battle in my mind again.   The thought passed through my head that it might just be better if I would die.

I am so ashamed that I ever let that thought pass through my head.  That I would allow the darkness that kind of power over my thoughts, my emotions, my life.  

And, while I was thinking something so awful about my own life, Sherry was fighting for hers.

She was so positive, so joyful...even in the midst of pain.

I don't know what to do with the swirl of emotions I am feeling right now.  I don't want to just survive this life I've been blessed with.  I want to thrive.  I want to find my joy again.  I want others to see my love for Jesus the same way others saw it in Sherry.  

I know I can't do it on my own.  I can't just will it to be.  I need the power of the Holy Spirit to move in my life.  

I don't want to take this life for granted.

I want to live.