The Thorn in My Side

I have a problem with food.  Well, actualy, I should point out that I LOVE food.  My problem is actually a problem with self-control.

So many of my Facebook friends seem to have gotten on the health boat and are sailing along so smoothly.
I've gotten on many health boats over my lifetime,  But, as the boat starts to pull away from the shore, food beckons me with it's siren song & I jump from the boat & swim back to my island of "I'm gonna eat what I want to eat when I want to eat" and "It's easier to just sit here & I don't want to exercise".

And, the thing is, I know from experience that being healthy feels good.  It feels so much better than the blobby ball of lethargy and blech that I am now.  But, even those times I've worked hard to get to a certain point and I feel good, I'm still eventually wooed back by the allure of eating greasy, fatty, salty, sweet, rich, decadent food.

I can't even imagine long term maintenance of weight loss....because I ALWAYS gain it back.
There's a part of me that has thrown in the towel and says that I just don't care anymore...that feels destined to always have a weight problem.

But, then there's another part of me that doesn't want to become what I'm becoming....I already see the toll that carrying around extra weight is taking on my body.  I have so little energy, aches & pains, it aggravates my varicose veins (which are a genetic trait passed down in my family, but which I think could be lessened if I wasn't so heavy).  I waddle when I walk.  I get out of breath quickly.  I DON"T want to get old before I'm old!

Looking at everyone else's successes actually makes me less motivated....if that makes any sense.  I see everyone tapping into something that finally clicked for them.  And, I've tried so. many. times.  Even when I think I've finally found my groove, I always, always, always fall back into my old ways.

Food in many ways is an addiction for me.  I hesitate to use that word, 'addiction' because I think it sometimes gets overused.  But, when I look back over my relationship with food I definitely see some addictive behavior patterns.  And, I know from my past and with other issues, it's very easy for me to fall into addictive behavior.

I'm frustrated.  I know it's going to take work.  And work is....hard.  It's so much easier just to not think about making healthy choices.  When I'm feeling discouraged & lethargic, where do I find that motivation to pull myself up by the bootstraps...especially when the boots feel so heavy?

I'm not sure what I'm looking for.  Not sympathy or pity.  I've written about this struggle often enough for it to sound like a broken record.  I guess I just needed to vent.  I needed to express what's on my heart and mind.  Sometimes, just writing it out...giving it a voice...helps bring me some relief and clarity.