Thomas

Sometimes when we read the Bible we are tempted to read it on a very surface level.  The people described in it can seem very one dimensional instead of coming across to us as the living, breathing, flesh and blood people that they were.

But, if we read the Bible....really read it, we find clues to who these people were, how they felt, what their motivations were, and how God profoundly impacted them.

One of those people is Thomas.  One of the 12 disciples, I've often felt that Thomas has been unfairly characterized as 'Doubting Thomas'.  We know the story.  The disciples were all in the upper room - hiding in terror after the death of their friend and their leader.  Thomas wasn't there at the moment.  We aren't sure where he was.  Perhaps he had carefully ventured out to find food and supplies, or to see what the word/ mood on the street was.

Regardless of where he was, he missed something amazing.  He missed seeing Jesus appear in that room.  The resurrected Jesus.  The Jesus they loved and had dedicated their lives to following.  The Jesus that was everything they had pinned their hopes on.  The Jesus they had watched die.  And, who now stood in front of them  - a light shining again in a place that had been very dark indeed.

And when Thomas returned, he couldn't believe what they were saying to him.  Remember, each of these men had been deeply traumatized.  They didn't see the same picture we now see.  They were real people living in very dangerous times.  And, they thought that Jesus' role as Messiah would look very different than what we now know the Messiah would be.  They thought that the Messiah would conquer a temporary, earthly government.  We now know the Messiah would be so much more.

So, when I read the words Thomas said, "Unless I see the nail marks in his hand and put my fingers where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe it." I feel his pain.

Oh Thomas.  Your words resonate with me.  How often have I been profoundly disappointed, discouraged, or in abject despair and my heart feels those same sentiments.  I need to see you God.  I need to see how you are in this, how this can be for my good.  I don't see it Lord.  And, if I can't see it, I can't believe it.  I need some sign.

Doubting Thomas?  If that name fits, then it fits us all.

There's another place that Thomas is mentioned in scripture that paints a very different picture of Thomas.  They had just gotten word that Lazarus was sick.  Jesus and the disciples remained where they were for two more days before Jesus said, "Let us go back to Judea".

The disciples tried to remind of him of the danger in returning to Judea....where Lazarus was...but where the Jews also wanted to kill him.  There's an exchange that takes place that results in Jesus telling them clearly, "Lazarus is dead, and for your sake I am glad I was not there, so that you may believe. But let us go to him."

And here is where we see another side of Thomas.  He says to the other disciples "Let us also go, that we may die with him."

Does that sound like a doubter?  like a coward?  Here is a man who was ready and willing to go die with his friend.  (And, like every disciple except John, he would someday die for the sake of the gospel).

He sounds completely and utterly devoted to his Lord.

And that's how I see Thomas.  How I see all the disciples actually.  These were men who gave up everything to follow Jesus - their homes, their families, their livelihoods.  They believed him and they trusted him.  They might not have understood at the time what it would look like, but they knew Jesus was the Messiah.  They staked their lives on it.

Then, everything shattered.  Jesus was brutally killed.  All their hopes died with him.  They themselves were hunted.  And, in the midst of that trauma, they hid.

So, let's go back to that room.  That room where Jesus appeared ALIVE and Thomas missed it.  That room where a broken, distraught Thomas declared that he needed to see to believe.  And, that room where Jesus graciously appeared again and said "Here Thomas.  Put your finger here; see my hands.  Reach out your hand and put it into my side.  Stop doubting and believe."  I don't picture Jesus saying this in a scolding tone.  I picture Jesus lovingly meeting Thomas' deepest need and healing his bruised soul.

And, Thomas replied "My Lord and my God!"

I can almost picture it.  I can almost see Thomas collapsing to his knees in relief and joy and allowing the amazement of seeing Jesus wash over all the pain and fear of the previous week.

 I'm reminded of one time that I truly thought I had lost my youngest son while we were at the grocery store.  For 20 anguishing minutes I didn't know where he was.  I was ready to call the police, convinced that my child had been taken.  In horror I was imagining all sorts of awful scenarios.  I decided to check our vehicle one more time before making the call....hoping that he had gone there....while also painfully aware that if my worst fears were true then time was of the essence.   My other son had already checked the van once.  I was feeling completely hopeless and absolutely terrified.  When I slid open the van door and my son was sitting there in his seat, I collapsed in tears....so  so relieved.

And, that's kind of how I picture Thomas in that moment.

This is why I love God's Word so much.  When we read it....really read it....we see the beautiful ways that God reaches out to each of us in our human frailty.  He revealed Himself to flesh and blood men and women just like us.  People with lives and stories and personalities and struggles and failings and nuances of character....people just like us.

And, He continues to meet us right where we need him.

Fresh Hope

At the beginning of the year I came across something on Facebook.  It was a 5 day challenge to jump-start some healthy habits.  Usually I don't pay much attention to those kinds of sponsored posts. But something about this one seemed different. And I gave the 5-day challenge a try. 

The  same online community actually offers a paid course that you can take.  I felt so good after the 5-day challenge that I decided to join that course. 

I haven't said anything to anyone about this until now.  I just shared this same thing with a group of friends who try to keep one another accountable.    I've started and stopped a million times before at efforts to become healthier.  I wanted to make sure this was different.

But I am really enjoying this course / program.
✨ First of all, it takes a holistic approach.... Addressing body, mind, and spirit. It's a community of Christian women. It stresses how desperately we need to rely on God for all things... including our health.
✨The next thing I like is that the leader stresses taking baby steps... Slowly establishing healthier habits in your life. 
✨ Also, she is incredibly encouraging. At first, watching her videos, I thought she was a little too perky.  Lol. But the more I watch and interact on the group, I believe she is the real deal and that her positive approach is genuine. 
✨ I'm learning not to beat myself up for perceived failure.  She said in one video that if we're doing even 1% better than we were before, we're making improvement.  I don't know why, but that really stuck with me.  I tend to have an all-or-nothing approach to getting healthy. And this program is really helping me to dismantle that mindset. 
✨ She doesn't focus on the scale. In fact she encourages people to put their scales away and if necessary to throw them away.  At the most we should only be doing monthly weigh-ins. She does encourage taking measurements and checking those every two weeks because they are a better gauge of how you are progressing.  I have been a slave to the scale where if I don't see it moving or I don't see it moving fast enough, or heaven forbid if I see it go up, I become incredibly discouraged.  This is a hard one to break away from but it's also incredibly freeing. 
✨It's not restrictive.  No counting calories, carbs, etc etc.  This is also incredibly freeing.  She stresses adding in healthier options and slowly crowding out the less  healthy options
✨There's a community of women that I can interact with who are all going through the same program.... All at different stages.  The ones who have been with it for a while are incredibly encouraging to the newer members
✨ I've been working on this since the beginning of the year. I don't see a ton of noticeable physical changes yet. But I feel better....much better actually.  My clothes don't feel as tight. And for the first time in a long time I feel HOPE.  Hope that I truly can make lasting changes.

I'll keep you posted.  I'm praying that God strengthens me to be a good steward of the body he has given me. 

An Update and A New Year

I recently looked back at some old posts and realized something pretty momentous.  It was ten years ago, in 2010, that I began this blog. 

Where was I then?  Where was our family then? 

Well, there's much that hasn't changed.  We still live in the same house, in the same town, in the same school district.  Our 'starter home' when we married has been home all these (18) years. 

But, my, how our family has grown!  Not in numbers....  We had 4 boys then & 4 boys now.  But they are so much bigger.  Maturing into young men before my very eyes.

Ten years ago I had 4 boys aged 6 and under...one of which was an infant. 

Now my two oldest (16 and 14) tower over me.  My 12 year old is as tall as me and growing.  And, my baby....just turned 10. 

My dog, Abbey, is almost as gray as my husband and I.

Ten years ago I began a blog because I was knee deep in diapers and sleepless nights, and I needed something that was 'mine', something that helped me find a connection with others, something to do.... to create that would last.

And, how I love looking back at those early posts.  Actually I love looking back at all my posts.  It's a little window into my thoughts, my experiences, my family.  I read those posts and am reminded of things I'd forgotten...things that would have been lost if not recorded here.

My blogging style has changed over the years.  At first it was primarily about my family and a recording of our daily lives.  It morphed over the years into a place where I could record what God was speaking to me or working out in me.

I've all but abandoned it in recent years.  Facebook took over as a place where I could quickly record little tidbits from our lives and where I could find connection. 

But, I'm not ready to say goodbye. 

This blog is a reminder of the fact that I love to write.....that writing is something that helps keep me sane.  I may not ever be a popular blogger or author. But, the words I record have meaning to me....and that is enough.

So, I won't begin the new year with any grandiose plans to return to regular blogging.  But, I will pop on here from time to time....and record bits for the me ten years from now who will look back and remember.