When It's All Too Much

It seems I only get on here anymore to write when I've got something weighing heavy on my mind and my heart.

Today there is so much weighing on me.  It's been an emotional couple of months and this past week was even more emotional.

My husband and I have been praying and praying...for years actually...about where God wants us.  We kept feeling that God was leading us into some sort of change.  And, over the last several months that has really intensified.

We thought God had given us a certain direction.  But this week we hit such a roadblock that we questioned whether we had really been hearing God at all or if we totally misunderstood him.

That was enough to knock me back pretty hard.  This question of whether or not I can hear God...and hear him clearly has been pummeling me over and over.

 Another area that has had me questioning this is that our church is currently in the middle of a very large building project.  When the project was presented before the church and the eventual vote took place...John and I felt very strongly that this was not the best way to use the resources God had given our church.

We thought they would be better used directly in the community for outreach or in planting new churches.  But we were in the minority....the very small minority.  96% of the church voted in favor of the project.

And, it came like a blow to me that in all the prayer and seeking God that I did, I heard something totally different than everyone else.

These two issues alone - wrestling with whether or not we truly heard from God in our church life and our personal life has been wearing me down.

But, then this week hit.  First, it was the roadblock I mentioned.  Then we got the sudden, tragic news that the father of a close friend of ours died in a farming accident.  He was such a sweet man and felt like extended family to us that it came as a serious blow.

That same day an apartment complex in our community burned displacing 14 residents - 5 of whom were adults with mental delays.

The next day there was a horrific multi car crash involving an erratic driver (cause still not known - may have been a medical emergency).  One of the cars that was hit had 3 local high school students in it...all severely injured.  One passed away at the hospital later that afternoon as they were trying to save his life during surgery.  Another girl passed away early Sunday morning.  The third boy appears to be recovering....although he doesn't remember what happened and doesn't know that his friends are gone.

It has completely rocked our community.

And then also the news of the shooting in Pittsburgh where 11 innocent people....members of a Jewish synagogue were killed during their Shabbat services by a man filled with blind hatred.

And, it's too much.  It's too much all at once.  I can't even think or feel clearly right now.  While the tragedy that struck closest to home involves my friend's father, they have all affected me deeply.

It also makes me think of how this is still just a small sample of the suffering of humanity worldwide.  The number of tragedies that happen across this globe in just a day is staggering.  The number of people who are mourning, grieving, and in emotional turmoil is beyond the scope of what I can ever understand.

And God feels far away right now.

We sang a song in church on Sunday...and I don't remember singing it before or hearing it before.  I looked it up just now because the lyrics were so appropriate.

"Do It Again"

Walking around these walls
I thought by now they'd fall
But You have never failed me yet
Waiting for change to come
Knowing the battle's won
For You have never failed me yet

Your promise still stands
Great is Your faithfulness, faithfulness
I'm still in Your hands
This is my confidence, You've never failed me yet

I know the night won't last
Your Word will come to pass
My heart will sing Your praise again
Jesus, You're still enough
Keep me within Your love
My heart will sing Your praise again

Your promise still stands
Great is Your faithfulness, faithfulness
I'm still in Your hands
This is my confidence, You never failed me yet.

I've seen You move, come move the mountains
And I believe, I'll see You do it again
You made a way, where there was no way
And I believe, I'll see You do it again

I sang the words, but my heart is struggling to believe the truths in them.

But, what else can I do?

I can't give in to despair and fear.

I have to believe....I DO believe that God still holds us tenderly in his hand.

The darkness tries to hide the light.

Oh and how it sometimes seems to succeed.

At times like this all I can do is trust.

I don't understand.  I don't.

But, I will trust.