Weight

How do I put into words the things that are weighing me down?

Time.  Time moves so fast.  The children grow. We continue to age.  Large blocks of time that we thought would yield certain results become a distant memory faster than we can breathe.  

I feel surrounded by chaos.  I crave simplicity. Peace. Quiet.  

I crave special moments with my children.    A house the exudes restfullness.

I don’t want to be cranky, easily irritated.  I want to be present. I want to be effective.  I want to be important.

I want my thoughts, my ideas, my contributions to matter.  

I feel like money is the societal measure of success & worth.  If that’s the case, then my worth is minimal. What I do, what I contribute to this world doesn’t involve making large amounts of money.

It involves refereeing a thousand arguments and angry words - while trying to reign in my own anger.  Hoping, hoping that in my own frailty & failures I’m cultivating spirits of compassion within my children.  That I will raise men who care, who love, who share themselves wholeheartedly.

But, sometimes it just feels like picking up trash that’s carelessly tossed aside, wiping countless smudges of peanut butter, shutting endless cupboard doors left hanging open…..always looking around at the clutter surrounding me knowing it’s not my own, yet knowing somehow it reflects on me.  My failure to teach, to guide, to model.

I feel unable to gain my footing.  Change comes at me faster & faster.  Changes as my family grows. Changes in the world around me.  Changes in the physical landscape of my community. And, each change knocks me a bit.  I feel buffeted continuously with change.

So yeah, things weigh on me.  Things I can hardly even put into words.  It takes the creative to understand the creative.  So, my vague words make no sense to the ones who surround me….the practical, logical, functional ones.  

But perhaps my words resonate with a few.