God's Love Is Not Chaotic

Those of you who know me know that I have a love/hate relationship with modern worship music.  Actually, hate is too strong a word.  Perhaps it would be better to say that I am wary of some things I see in current trends.

For the most part I am grateful for so much of the music that has come out in the last couple decades.  I know that a desire to worship God fully & wholeheartedly is at the core of these songs.

But, every now and then, there is a song where I question the songwriter's choice of words.  As someone who enjoys writing, words are incredibly important to me.  Words carry so much meaning, and yet I know we can also feel limited by words to fully express what we want to say.

And, I think that is the case in some of these songs that I question.  We are limited by our human tongues to adequately express concepts about God that are so mysterious, so incredible, so soul shaking.  Songwriters, just as any writer, have to choose a word that partially describes the indescribable.

So, I totally get that.  I do.  But, I also sometimes wish the songwriters would use a bit more caution in the words they choose.  Because sometimes the words or phrases they end up using could have negative connotations for many of us.   I could even argue that sometimes they are not biblical.  But, I will leave that for the theologians.

Such is the case for me in the song, "You're the One That Really Matters".  As a whole, I like this song.  (I do get tired of repeating the same line over and over, but that's another topic for a different post)  But there is a line in this song that I cannot sing.  And, I try really hard not to let it bother me, to accept that the songwriter's choice here just doesn't resonate with me.  But, it's more than just not being able to relate to the line, it's that I'm disturbed by the line.

That line is "Chaotic love has messed me up again."  Taken out of context, one might assume that the author is talking about a destructive, unhealthy worldly 'love' here.  But, it's not.  This line is attempting to describe God's love.
(Correction/ Addendum:  After reading over my post a couple times, I realized I did not quote the line in its entirety.  For the sake of fairness, the full line should read "Chaotic love has messed me up so I can live again.")
As someone who has a past of extremely destructive, unhealthy, chaotic relationships, this line does indeed have a negative connotation for me.  I lived many years chasing after 'love' that messed me up and left me broken and ashamed.  I lived many years  where the 'love' I pursued created chaos in my heart, my mind, and my soul.

So, this is the last possible way I would choose to describe God's love.  God has brought order to my chaos, healing to my messed up places.

I would describe God's love as unfathomable, fierce, powerful, life altering, but I wouldn't describe it as chaotic.

Yes, God does often call us out of our comfort zones.  God does often take us places that require personal sacrifice. God's plans for our lives are often so different than our own.  But there is always a beautiful, ultimate plan of order and peace behind it all.

God takes our shattered pieces - our messed up thoughts & atititudes - and He sets them right.  He redeems.  He restores.  He brings order to the chaos.  He is the One who calms the storm.

As we were singing this song on Sunday, I felt like there might be others who struggled in the same way with this line.  I thought about going to the front during worship & sharing my reflections on that line as an encouragement to those who are so desperate for peace & order.  I decided against doing that.  So, I wrote this post instead.

If you are feeling caught in chaos & disorder, I will leave you with God's Word.....

“Peace I leave with you, my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” John 14:27

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

“For God is not a God of disorder but of peace.” 1 Corinthians 14:33

Dreaming

|t is Easter Sunday.  We have been spending an extended weekend with my husband's family at a rented house on Seneca Lake in the Finger Lakes region of New York.  The house itself is large & roomy with a wall of windows that overlook the lake that is just steps away.  It has been a serene & gorgeous atmosphere for us to unwind and to connect.

The Finger Lakes region is one of our favorite places to visit.  We first discovered it on a trip in 2010 with friends for my 40th birthday.....and fell in love.  We have stayed on both Seneca Lake & Keuka Lake.  We have done anniversary getaways - just John & I.  We have done trips as a couple with other couples.  We have done trips with family -  we've now been here with both my family & John's family over Easter weekend.  I did a girl's trip one year with girlfriends of mine & John has been on a guy's trip for his brother's bachelor weekend.

The absolute best way to experience the Finger Lakes is to rent a house...preferably lakeside.  It gives the feel of being at home away from home.  When we came the first time, the Finger Lakes were just starting to gain notoriety as a great tourist destination.  The beautiful sweeping landscapes dotted with vineyards & farmland, the gorgeous lakes & quaint towns that sit at the ends of each, and the wine trails have all been pulling more & more people to visit.  It started out as a very affordable vacation.....now though it takes more searching each year to find affordable options for our stays.

We have played with the idea over the years of buying into the real estate here.  Our ideas have ranged from buying a lake house to enjoy as a vacation home & rent out in between.... to buying a permanent residence...perhaps a farm that sits between the lakes and carving out a life in this area we've grown to love.

The major factor that has always held us back is the money....the feasibility of making something like that happen.  We're not exactly 'vacation home people'.  In fact, we are pretty low on the financial pole.  Our actual home is very small, kind of dilapidated, and the idea of fixing our own home up.....much less buying a vacation property.....is out of our current range of economic possibility.  And yes, perhaps if we had forgone our years of taking vacations and getaways & saved that money instead we'd be in a different financial position now.  But, we've never been extravagant the way some people understand extravagant....and the time spent away has been priceless & had created memories that are well worth the money we've spent).

All this to say, every time we come here, we get that same itch to consider what could be.  Could we move here?  Could we make this our home?  This is always met with obstacles...so many obstacles.  For one, I am a creature of habit.  Change is a four letter word for me.  My roots run deep, deep, deep where we are.  And, it's hard to imagine putting down roots somewhere new.   Also, despite the booming tourist trade in the Finger Lakes, it is primarily based in the wine trade.  Overall this is still a fairly financially depressed area.  There's not much in terms of business or trade.  And, what exactly would John & I do to earn our living here?  The land (between the lakes...not lakeside) is definitely more affordable than where we are now.  But, we would still have to find a way to pay for it, to continue to support ourselves.

John & I went for a drive today.  I have been watching properties in this area on Zillow.  My sister in law & I drove past a couple of them yesterday as we were out and about.  And, one area in particular captured my heart even more.  I wanted to show it to John today.

Keuka Lake forms a Y.  The land that sits in the between that Y is secluded & incredibly beautiful.  It's away from the main wine trail route....yet it hosts a multitude of vineyards.  This is where they grow so many of the grapes that are used by the wineries in the area.  It also hosts a state park and dead end roads.  In other words, the people who come here....for the most part...are the people who live here.  It's private...a hidden treasure.  And, the area is breathtaking.

There was a property there for sale that we drove past.  It sits high on a bluff, surrounded by vineyards, and has a peek-a-boo view of the lake.  The house itself is a bit odd.  While the original part of the house is apparently from the 1800s, it has had multiple weird additions over the years that make it long and narrow, and it's covered in siding from (I'm guessing) the 80s.

But, it's what surrounds that property that draws me in.  I could allow my children to ride their bikes anywhere without  fear of traffic...there is very little if any.  We would have privacy (which equals peace to me).  It's quiet & the air is so fresh & clean.  The pressures of the outside world seem so far, far away.

It's not perfect, but it could be amazing.

So, is this just a case of 'the grass is always greener'?  Or could it truly be a chance for a fresh start?  For finding that something that my heart longs for?  Is that 'something' even possible on this side of heaven?  I struggle and struggle and struggle with that question.

I also struggle with the question, "Is is wrong to dream?"  I know we are called to be content in whatever our current location or circumstance is.  There is peace & joy that transcends anything that a change in either could produce.

But....is it wrong to dream?

When I was young and passionate, dreams are what kept me going.  The hope for something new & exciting.  The hope for more.  For opportunities.  For an unknown future.

Somewhere along the line I replaced those dreams with fear, with responsibility, with settling for what I had. 

Listen.  Part of that is maturity and growing.....and the very real aspect of responsibility and reality.

But is there any room yet for the girl who dreamed?  The girl who saw possibilities?

Is it ok for a Christian to dream?  To dream about things that aren't necessarily tied to anything spiritual?  Ah.  There is where I struggle again.  I don't know.  I don't know if these kinds of things distract us from what God would have us do.  Or, if they are a road sign pointing us in the direction He would have us head.

And, then there's also the fact that when we return home, the familiar wraps around me like a secure, warm blanket.   And, those dreams that stirred me just days earlier now seem foreign and scary and not nearly as appealing.

All I know is that it feels like something new needs to happen.  I'm not sure what it is or what form it will take.  But, my soul cries out for something fresh & vibrant to breath life into me.