Enough

***Prelude:  I wrote this post several weeks ago and never published it.  Mainly because I felt like I was being a big whiny baby.  And, frankly, just writing down all my frustrations helped.  But, I came across it again tonight & thought.'Why not share it?'.  Oh, and as it turns out 3/4 of the things I was stressing about have come and gone & I'm none the worse for wear.  The kids are in school.  The back to school shopping got done.  Vacation happened and it was good.  Taxes got paid.  ***



The word of the day is Overwhelmed.  Being overwhelmed is something I frequently experience.  But, sometimes I reach that threshold where I'm SO overwhelmed that I start to break.  I'm breaking today....fighting back tears of frustration and a sense of being unable to take control of everything going on around me.

It's nothing major.  It's just a lot of little things.  Like the kids going back to school in a little over a week.  Still needing to do back to school shopping for supplies and shoes.  Like the fact that my oldest is going into middle school and that's a whole new learning curve for him and me.  Like the fact that my youngest is going into Kindergarten.  He's not my baby anymore.  This is the first year that all my children will be in school.  And a part of me is looking forward to the freedom and opportunity that offers....and part of me mourns.  I mourn the years of my children being little and needing me.  Did I embrace that time enough?  Did I give enough?  Am I embracing this time now enough?  Am I giving enough?

Then there's the fact that we waited until the last minute to do a family vacation this summer.  Yup.  We're doing it this week.  The week before school.  Because we're a bit crazy like that.  And I should be looking forward to it, but right now all I can think of is everything that needs done.

Did I mention that I forgot Kindergarten orientation?  Yup.  That was last week.  Missed it.  Did I mention that my oldest is in the process of getting braces?  Read:  Orthodontic appointments.  Orthodontic appointments.  Orthodontic appointments.  And,  I got the total cost for the next two years of orthodontic treatments.  Wow.  It's not cheap.

Which leads to other financial considerations.  Fall taxes on our home and our rental property are due.

Oh, what else?  It's soon time to start planning our next Vintage Sale.   We don't have a food stand coordinator this time around.  So, that's added pressure.  And, I'm just not feeling it this time.  I'm feeling like I want to take a step back & re-group....figure out what's next & how to organize my life.

Speaking of organization, that's something that I have as a goal once my children are back in school.  Because frankly my house is a huge source of my frustration and being overwhelmed.  It's a disaster area!  I don't mean  that in the sense of 'oh we have a couple things out of place'.  (Ugh.  If I read one more blog where someone takes before and after home organization pictures where their 'before' is way better than anything I could ever dream of...I will scream).  My house needs some serious attention.  And, I honestly don't even know where to begin.

But, you know.  I'm a stay at home mom whose kids are all going into school, so I  should have perfection in my home & my life, right?  I feel this sense of  judgement....from noone in particular, just a general societal judgement...that managing our home and our family isn't enough.  I should be able to do that AND hold a full time job.  I must be a slacker.

Which is evidenced by the fact that I've gotten fatter than I've ever been before.  Yup.  I weigh more than I did when I was PREGNANT!   No matter how often I try to get a handle on this area of my life, I fail..over and over and over.

There's more.  There's always more because I constantly walk around feeling like I'm not enough.  I'm not doing enough.  I'm not being enough.  I'm not giving enough.  And, that my friends is the perfect recipe for being overwhelmed.

How do I pull myself out of this?  I don't think I can.  I really don't.  I try to remind myself that God is our strength in the midst of our weakness.  But, how does this translate into living my life?  I mean I still have to DO things.

Anyhow, sorry for the pity party.  I feel better getting it out.  Sometimes I just need to get the stuff out of my head and written down, so that I can deal with what's bugging me.