Well, this week was one of those two steps backwards kind of weeks. I again had allowed myself a few small exceptions....all in the name of moderation. And, really that would have been fine.
But, when I did my weekly weigh in on Saturday morning, those 3 pounds that took five weeks to lose had re-appeared. I was SO frustrated. How could so much work be completely undone in one week's time when I thought I was learning moderation.
And, here's where I went wrong. I allowed this to anger me, frustrate me, and upset me so much that for the rest of the weekend I threw in the towel. I let myself have whatever I wanted. And, guess what. It didn't make me feel better. (Well, except the coffee - I really did savor that cup of coffee!)
I also broke down this weekend and went and bought a couple pairs of larger pants. I'd been squeezing myself into my biggest pairs of jeans that I had and still was totally pinched and uncomfortable. And, you know, that had been making me even more irritable.
Last night as I was at a class at church, I was wearing one of my new (and very comfortable) pairs of pants. I felt good...and able to focus on things other than the discomfort I'd be feeling if I was still wearing those tight pants. And the thought occurred to me that I've been more or less punishing myself by forcing myself into too tight, uncomfortable pants. I suppose I thought that if I didn't buy anything larger I wouldn't get any larger. But, the fact is, I was only making myself miserable.
And, we were talking about God's love last night. Can we really comprehend how much He loves us? As I continued to think about my too-tight pants (I know. Deep theological thoughts), I had to ask myself 'Does God want me to punish myself? Does he want me walking around with self-loathing?' Of course not!
He loves me no matter what my size. Don't get me wrong. I know He wants to do a work in my heart. I know He wants to break off the chains of abusing food, of loving food more than Him. But, He is a gentle Father. And by me buying into the lies that I'm a failure or that I'm never going to get a grip on this area in my life, I'm giving the enemy ground in my life.
All this to say, this week I'm not posting any new goals. I may try to refocus on the goals from the past weeks. But, even more than that, I want to spend this week pressing in to God, remembering His love for me....seeking Him.