Mom & Dad + 4 Boys = Our Family

Jen at Denton Sanatorium has asked her readers if they will share the stories of how their families came to have the number of children that they have.  This is the type of story that could become overwhelming with details, so I'll try to condense it the best I can.


I've always wanted to be a mom.  Always.  I was the oldest child with 2 younger sisters.  I was the oldest cousin on both sides of my family.  I started babysitting when I was 11.  I was drawn to children.  I had a lot of experience with children.  And, I went to college to become...you guessed it...a teacher.  I graduated from college with a degree in elementary/ early childhood education in 1992.


When I was in junior high I remember thinking that I'd have 12 children.  I even had names chosen for all of them.


I also imagined I'd be married young.  I wanted to be married young.  But, I was a late bloomer to say the least. I didn't even have my first date until I was in college.  I really, really wanted to fall in love.  And, I guess I did (or at least, in infatuation) over and over.  But, the guys I was meeting didn't seem to be interested in committment and certainly not in marriage.


I'm not going to segue into my testimony here because that's a whole other post in and of itself.  But I will say that, after I graduated from college and got my first job I finally moved into my own place (I commuted from home during college) and I entered into a fairly dark time during my 20's that involved a lot of poor choices on my part.  


Needless to say I didn't meet the man who was to become my husband until I was 28...and I wasn't sure if we were meant to be more than friends at first.  Shortly after we met he left for a year long missions trip to Kenya.  We communicated by letter and e-mail and started dating seriously when he returned.  We married in September 2001.  When I got married I was only 2 months away from turning 31.


We talked about children during our engagement.  We both knew we wanted a fairly large family.  We joked that half a dozen seemed about right.  


I felt my biological clock ticking big time and was anxious to start trying for a family early in our marriage.  (Did I mention that my husband is almost 4 years younger than me?  Oh, and men don't have biological clocks.  Still, he was on board.)  I knew that it can take time to get pregnant so I figured we should get started.  Plus, I had some concerns about my fertility. Around our 1 year anniversary we began to officially try for a baby...and got pregnant immediately.  Go figure.


Wyatt was born in June 2003 when I was 32.  When he turned a year old I wanted to start trying for another baby.  We got pregnant immediately.


Edison was born in March 2005 when I was 34.  I had some major post partum depression following Edison's birth and it lasted for probably a year and a half.  I had a really difficult time adjusting to having 2 children to care for.  I was pretty miserable.


When the fog started to lift, that desire for another baby returned.  When Edison was 2 we started trying and shortly thereafter became pregnant.


Charlie was born in November 2007 when I was 37 ( he came 2 days after my birthday).  


The story could have ended here.  Having 3 boys under the age of 5 was challenging.  It was work.  Even though I didn't suffer from depression like I did after my second son was born, I was getting tired.  My husband was pretty much content with the three boys that we had.


But, I felt like there was another child who was supposed to be there.  At times I'd be loading the children in the van and have the sense that I needed to go back in the house to get another one.  Or, the boys would be playing downstairs and I felt like there was another baby sleeping upstairs.  


John and I started talking about having another one.  He was hesitant.  He knew that I struggled sometimes with the 3 we had.  And, I think in some ways he was anxious for a time when my time and attention wasn't in so much demand from our children.  As he said, 'he wanted his wife back.'


Around the time we were starting to think we might try for one more, we found out we were pregnant.  And, so, Joseph was born in 2009 when I was 39.


You know how I have the little story on my sidebar under my profile about how I saw the neighbor's boys and thought it would be cool to have stairstep boys of my own?  Never in my life did I imagine I would be the mother to all boys!  As a matter of fact, in that little anecdote, that was probably the first time I really considered what it might be like to have boys.  I always pictured myself as a mother to daughters.  


Yet there are no girls in this household.  So, people ask if we'll try again for a girl.  No.  If we were going to have another child, it would be because we were meant to have another child...not because we were trying for a certain gender.  Oh, I'll admit, there's a part of me that thinks if we have one more maybe we'd have a girl.  


But, we're done.  At least my husband is done.  I'm mostly done.  My body is tired.  I turn 40 in 3 days.  I'm worn out.  There's still a part of me that thinks...'maybe we could have one more'.  I love being pregnant.  I love giving birth (is that weird?).  I love my children.  But, I also want to give my full attention to the children that I have and be the best mother I can be to them.


I actually sometimes feel guilty about having as many as we do have.  How can I give them each the time and attention that they need from me?  I feel pulled in a million directions.  I even sometimes wonder what it would be like if I'd had one or two instead of four.  


I also sometimes go down the road of 'If I'd gotten married younger' I'd have had more children.  But why go down that road?  That's not the way life happened.


Here's the thing - God has given us four boys.  Boys that we have the privilege of raising.  Boys who I want first and foremost to love, honor, and serve God.  Are there more children in store for us?  Biological? Foster?  Adopted?  (We've considered the possibility of adopting a little girl sometime in the future).  I don't know.  Only God knows.   


At this point we think our family is complete.  We trust that God holds our lives and the lives of our children in His loving hands.  And we know that His grace is sufficient!


Ok so that ended up being really long....so much for the condensed version!  

Dr. Phil Irks Me

I want to preface this by saying that I don't normally watch Dr. Phil.  When he first came on the air I did like him and I watched him from time to time.  He was generally positive with positive stories.  But, I am unable to watch him anymore because now his shows focus on some pretty intense, negative stuff...stuff I don't need my children to see.

Every now and then if the boys are still napping and I'm folding laundry or working in the living room I might flip on the tv.  And, there is the rare occassion that I'll check to see what Dr. Phil is talking about.  Often I'll flip right by.  But, when I do stop to watch a bit I come away disturbed.

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Has anyone else noticed that Dr. Phil has become somewhat pompous & self-righteous?  Now, I will say, I think he's gotten as far as he has because he's a straightshooter.  He tells people how it is and doesn't let them hide behind facades.  That is all fine and well.  And, it's probably what many people actually need.

But, I also think there is a line and that he has crossed that line.  You can still listen with compassion and understanding.  You can point out the things a person needs to change while still affirming his/her worth.  I've gotten the sense many times that some of these people are pouring out their hearts desperate for someone to tell them they are loved and worthy of love (and I'm thinking you are one of two things if you choose to air your dirty laundry on tv... desperate for love or desperate for attention.).

And, Dr. Phil frequently looks right beyond that need...ignores it really.  I'm sure he's had his share of crocodile tears on that stage along with co-dependancy, manipulation,etc.  But, I also think there are times when someone's true heart and pain is so obvious.

Specifically, I remember a time that a young, single mother to two children was on the show.  She had made some bad choices in her life and now there were people trying to take her children.  The children's father and grandparents were telling her she was an unfit mother.  Here's the thing (and please understand, I am first and foremost an advocate for the children!  There are many parents out there who should not have custody of their children), this young woman had made some major changes in her life.  She was trying to be the mother she should be.  But, she struggled with the day to day challenges of single motherhood.

Oh, I heard her struggles and I understood!  I've been there.  And, I have a support system!  I have a loving husband, parents, in-laws, friends, MOPS group.  And, here was this young mom with no support system.  She had the desire to be a good mom, but only had people telling her she needed to give up her children.

She tearfully said to Dr. Phil, "I don't know.  Maybe my children would be better off without me."  And, without even a blink he said something to the effect of "Maybe they would.".  And, then I don't even remember what all he said next.  He went off on one of his pseudo-psycho speeches.  But, I remember listening for him to say, "You need support.  You need people to help you.  You can do this, but you can't do it alone."  Nope.  Nothing even close to that came out of his mouth.

I also remember another time that they were talking to parents who yell at their children.  I will admit, some of them were pretty hardened, unwilling to accept any blame.  But, there were some who were a lot like me.  They yelled from time to time, didn't like that they lost control in that way, and felt a lot of shame.  This time is was Dr. Phil's wife, Robin, who got under my skin.  She said (choking back her own crocodile tears?) "I never once raised my voice at either of my two precious boys.".

Really Robin?  Never once?

Anyway, I guess what my whole point is with this little rant is that so many people turn to on-air personalities like Dr. Phil or Oprah for answers.  They look to these fallen, imperfect humans (yes Oprah is human...don't even get me started on Oprah) as someone who can solve their problems in one neat on air segment.

The fact is they can't.  And, so often they actually misguide people or give them only partial truth.  And, that part of people that is seeking to absolve their shame and to feel worth and love is left empty.  There is only one who can guide them and love them in the way they seek.

"  No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame, 

but they will be put to shame who are treacherous without excuse.

Show me your ways, O Lord, teach me your paths;

guide me in your truth and teach me,

for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long."

Psalm 25: 3-5

I Never Thought I'd Be a Mother Who....

I was talking to my sister this morning who is adjusting to life with an infant.  My sweet nephew was born a little over a month ago making my sister a first time mom and making me a first time aunt.  We are now having those conversations that you can only have once you have children of your own.  


And, our conversation today got me to thinking about all the things I thought about motherhood prior to becoming a mom and how I think about those things now.  And so I give to you...


I Never Thought I'd Be a Mother Who....


 - couldn't keep her child's runny nose constantly clean.  And, I certainly didn't think I'd be walking around in clothing covered in my child's snot, spit-up, lunch, etc. etc.  My children (especially the 2 year old) often look like little street urchins.  They are just constantly covered in dirt, bits of their lunch, or snot.  I do clean their faces.  I really do.  But, it usually only lasts a minute or two.

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 - didn't notice that her child's fingernails had grown into talons. Ah, how this one has haunted me.  When I was working in childcare I remember noticing one kindergarten age boy whose nails had grown rather long.  I remember tsk-tsking to myself that his parents were apparently too busy to trim their child's nails.  Umm....I now stand guilty myself.


 - had children who had temper tantrums.  I know.  I know.  Silly me.  I really believed that temper tantrums were simply the result of poor parenting.  Again, I stand corrected.

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 - would lose her cool and yell.  Nope.  I was going to be the calm, ever-patient, yet firm mother.  I would handle my child's misbehavior (which wouldn't be often because I was going to be such an awesome parent!) with skill and decorum.  A simple change in the tone of my voice along with a serious look would be all that was necessary for my children to respond with respect and obedience.  Hee hee!

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 - allowed her children to watch too much tv.  Of course in my household television was going to be a once in a while treat.  And, that would be perfectly fine with my children because they would be so involved in imaginative play, crafts, games, and other activities.  Then, I had 4 children in 6 years and suddenly allowing them to watch tv so I'd have a few minutes (or an hour or 2?) of quiet didn't seem so bad.  Ok.  I will admit.  I really do want to cut down on the amount of television my children watch.  It's a work in progress.

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I could go on and on.  But, you get the idea.  So, what are some things you find yourself doing as a parent that you never thought you would do?

The Highs and the Lows

Yesterday was a day with highs and lows.  You know the kind of day.  The kind where you feel like you are on a rollercoaster when you'd much rather be on a nice flat road.


Our day started LOW...

We all started the morning like grumpy, stompin', roarin' dinosaurs.  Myself included.  I am not a morning person.  It's hard for me to 'get in the groove'.  And, when my day begins with fighting, moaning, complaining, etc. it's hard not to let that set the tone.


But the big boys headed off to school & we got our day underway at home.  And, I found a little something in my wash basket...

That would be a HIGH point.  How can that not make you smile?


Then, a surprise!  And, another HIGH.  I heard the UPS guy on the front porch which I thought was strange because I hadn't ordered anything recently.  And, I found this...

Hmmm.  Why do I have a package from Gevalia?  Eons ago I had signed up with Gevalia because they had a super great introductory offer.  But, as I looked over their regular prices I realized their coffee is rather expensive...at least for me.  So, I spaced shipments out as far as I could (every 6 months) with the intention of canceling.


I never did remember to cancel.  And, apparently, this would have been my 3rd shipment.  And, because it was my 3rd shipment they sent me a 'thank you' gift...

According to the shipping papers the coffee maker retails at around $100.  Free to me.  Now, I don't really need a $100 coffee maker, but if someone is going to give it to me, I'm not complaining.


Now wait Karen, you might be saying.  It sounds like your day got off to a rough start, but it things seemed to have picked up.  That should be enough to cheer you up.  You would think.  But, I'll tell you how it goes, I allowed myself to slowly slip into a lethargic, overwhelmed, self-pitying funk.


You see, I'm turning 40 next week.  And there are days that I feel like a big ole' blob.  (I never did lose those 40 lbs. I wanted to lose by the time I turned 40).  I feel old and tired.


Plus, parenting is a tough job!  Much harder than I ever thought in my younger years (read pre-child years).  I always knew I wanted to be a mom.  I always knew I was good with young children.  Those were the 2 areas I was absolutely confident in.  But, now that I AM a mom I find myself questioning myself at every turn.  I feel so .....inadequate.


Oh, and throw a little dose of guilt in there too.   I was feeling like life was so HARD.  But, if I think life is hard when our family is healthy, we have the love and support of family and friends, and we are well provided for, what would I do if something really HARD hit us?


So, all that to say, I had myself worked into a pretty good funk.  By the time it was the boys bedtime I was LOW, LOW and ready to check out for the night.  All I wanted was to veg on the couch in front of the tv and not have to think.


Hubby had other ideas.  He suggested we keep the tv off and actually talk.  At first I was reluctant.  Talking was the last thing I felt like doing.  I just wanted to shut off.  But, talk we did.  And, you know what?  It was good.  Really good.  We covered lots of topics.  And, I did share with my hubby how I'd been feeling all day.  We connected.  He prayed for me.  A peace came over me.


The day ended on a HIGH.


And today has started in peace.


May your day be one of peace as well!

What Did You Say?

A conversation from earlier this evening with Edison, our 5 year old....


Edison: So, are we taking the canoe or what?

Me: What are you talking about?

Edison: Are we taking the canoe? It's the only boat we have!

Me (lightbulb going off):  Edison, I said 'We're going to vote'. Not 'We're going in a boat.'!

Here A Link, There A Link...

Everywhere a link, link.  Sorry.  I couldn't not finish that.  I found a few links today that I'd like to share.

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I just discovered this blog, Grace and Truth Living.  It appears that she only posts once or twice a month.  And, usually I don't pay much attention to blogs that don't post fairly regularly.  But, in looking over her archives...wow!  She's got some good stuff in there!  This post about fear vs. faith really spoke to me.


Another blog that has really been grabbing my attention lately is Small House Family.  She had a short but good post today called 80/20 that touched on decluttering.  It's something that's really been on my mind, because as I'm organizing and preparing to use my new bookshelves, I want to be sure that I'm not just transferring junk from one location to another.  I want to be sure that what I save (and display) are things that actually matter to me.


Also, Stephanie at All Things Faithful is another new blog friend whose posts I really enjoy.  She had a thought provoking one today on Halloween.  You might remember a few weeks ago I posted this where I posted my own struggle with the appropriate response of a Christian family.  Just as a follow-up I will say that this year we chose to attend our church's fall harvest party rather than take our children trick or treating.  I can't say I've completely resolved this issue in my heart yet, but for now we felt God was asking us to take a step back & take a biblical look at it.


I hope you enjoy these links as much as I did!  Have a great day!

New Bookshelves!

Sometimes fun little things...like finding the perfect pieces of furniture at a low cost!!!...can really make your day.


I've been keeping my eye out for bookshelves. I really wanted one for my living room and I also wanted one for upstairs in my boys room.


When I priced bookshelves on-line I was finding that I'd spend at least around $100 or more per bookshelf...and that was just for a standard, no frills shelf. The pieces I really liked were way more than that.


So, I waited. I figured maybe I'd find something at a yard sale. I was even planning on having to do a little DIY makeover if I found a piece that was nice but needed some TLC.


I've also been watching Craigslist. Mostly I've just been curious to see what people sell on Craigslist and how much they tend to ask for different pieces. I have a couple items myself that I thought about listing.


Of course, every now and then something caught my eye (like a beautiful black hutch a few weeks back), but things were either not the right price or size, etc.


Yesterday, just out of curiosity I checked out the furniture listings and found a pair of bookshelves for sale. They were asking $75 for the pair. They were white pine with a whitewashed finish & adjustable shelves. The taller one was 7 foot and the shorter one was about 6 foot. In other words, they were perfect...exactly what I pictured for our rooms!


I emailed the lister & agonized in suspense for several hours before I got a response. (I even e-mailed a second time just to be sure the first one went through. In retrospect that may have been a tad obsessive.)


I was first to respond!!! Yay! So, I arranged to go the listers house today to see the pieces. I was trying not to be overly excited, because sometimes it's hard to tell from a picture alone if it really looks the way you think it does. But, it did.


And, now I have two new bookshelves. They don't need any DIY makeover. And, I think the price was pretty awesome.

The tall one will live in our living room. I'll have to show an after photo once I get everything moved into place. You'll notice the huge amount of dust on the arm of our love seat. When moving furniture around to make space I unearthed a ton of dust & cobwebs.

I'm excited to clean out our corner cabinet (on the opposite corner of the living room) & use it as a display only for our china. It no longer has to double-duty as a bookshelf.

The shorter one is still on the porch. I need to make room upstairs for it. A couple of the shelves aren't in place yet. But, I' love that they are adjustable. I'm thinking I can use this for the boys books & organize their toys in baskets.