New Habits Weekly Check-in....The Word of the Week is Discouragement

So, I had hoped by this point (beginning my fourth week) I'd be singing the praises of a life without sugar, caffeine, & adult beverages.  By this point I thought I'd be past the cravings and the 'withdrawal' symptoms and all would be smooth sailing.  I thought I'd be energetic and clear-headed and motivated to keep moving forward.

Instead I've hit a wall.  Giving up caffeine & adult beverages was tough but manageable.  Giving up sugar has completely left me reeling.  And, I don't remember it being this hard when I did the Daniel Fast last year.  But, then again I completely altered the rest of my diet pretty drastically all at once.  And for some reason my body seemed to adapt more quickly to that?

For the last two weeks I've been head-achey, body achey, tired, extremely irritable, and just overall blaaahhh.   To top it off, in the three weeks that I've started my new habits, I've only lost 2 1/2 pounds.  And I find myself asking 'Why am I doing this?'  I know I said I want to be healthier, to have more energy, to feel lighter, and to hopefully fit into my jeans again.  But, in the meantime, I feel so miserable.

And part of me knows that in our weakest moments (and I feel pretty weak right now) God wants us to turn to Him, to rely on Him.  And if I could just remember to run to Him when I'm at my lowest He can actually use that to improve my relationship with Him and my spiritual health.

But, sometimes the voice of discouragement is so loud and it seems to drown out the still, small voice of God.  And discouragement snowballs.  My discouragement in this area quickly rolls over into other areas of my life.  I've been a pretty rotten wife & mother.  I don't see a way out of my anger & irritability.  I really don't.  I sometimes feel invisible in the house full of male energy.  I feel like I'm not understood.  And, when I'm upset about something it's chalked up to 'hormones'.

  Sometimes I feel trapped in my house & helpless to change anything in it.  We've done zero work on our house in years.  And, there are unfinished projects that need to be done all over the place.  John is always busy.  I don't know how to do them.  And, we don't have the money to hire someone.  I'm not just talking the kind of projects that other people seem to do all the time.  This is not...oh I'm tired of the paint color.  I think we'll spruce up our already beautiful bathroom.  No, these are major issues (an un-insulated sunporch just off our kitchen which is really used as part of our kitchen because it houses our refrigerator and some of our cabinetry.  But, it's literally falling apart.  There's at least a 4 inch hole in the one corner of the wall where the wood is rotting away.  A stairway that has 1940s linoleum on the WALLS and crumbling plaster overhead. A downstairs bathroom with an ancient shower stall that is really kind of nasty and a rotting floor.  Just to mention a few.  Trust me.  There's more. )

So this feeling of discouragement & helplessness turns into despair.  And, dang it!  I just want a cup of coffee or a nice cookie!  I've been trying to replace my spirit of despair with a garment of praise ( Isaiah 61:3).  But it seems to take a strength of will that I just don't have.

Man!  I really didn't intend to be Debbie Downer.  Maybe it's just the winter blahs.  Maybe I AM hormonal.  I just don't know what to do with myself when I'm in this kind of funk.

So moving along....to recap:
Week One:  Eliminate caffeine & adult beverages
Week Two:  Eliminate sugar
Week Three:  Eliminate night-time snacking (Oops.  Goofed there this weekend for sure!)

Which brings us to....
Week Four:  Eat a healthy, Daniel Fast type lunch.  Goal:  Train my body to crave good things

This week I'm going to have to work hard to re-instate my week three goal while incorporating a new goal as well.  I'm envisioning eating a lot of salads, beans, whole grains, etc. for lunch this week.  The Daniel Fast calls for no meat, dairy, sweeteners, beverages other than water, white flours/ grains, or preservatives.  I figure I can make this happen for one meal out of the day.

Plugging on......Karen

To Tell The Truth

I have a child who lies fairly consistently.  It's usually over fairly mundane things like saying he's practiced his instrument when he hasn't, or that he's taken a shower when he hasn't.  He will also lie about about things like hurting his brother.  A brother will come to me crying saying that he hit him or hurt him in some way and he'll insist up and down that he didn't do it.   And, sometimes I was standing right there and SAW it happen.

I know that children will try to get away with this kind of thing from time to time.  But, the thing is most children 'fess up when they are confronted.  My son will swear quite passionately and vehemently that he's telling the truth....when I KNOW he's not.  He becomes angry and yells that I never believe him.  And that's the problem, I often don't because I really don't know when I can believe him.

We've tried talking about trust and how lying destroys trust.  I have to be honest.  I probably haven't had a sit down with him when we're both calm.  Usually this is the kind of thing I say to him when we're in the heat of the moment and both of us are upset.

I also have to admit that this is the child that I kind of tiptoe around on eggshells.  There.  Can I be honest? When he was younger he would have extreme temper tantrums.  He still can become very, very angry.  And then I get angry.  And, it just gets ugly.  So, when he's happy (and when he's happy he is seriously the sweetest kid...so engaging and charismatic and fascinating) I try not to do anything to rock the boat.

I guess those are the two areas I'm most concerned about for him....lying and anger.  I don't want them to take root in his life.  I feel partially responsible for the anger.  I feel like my children have been reflecting back some of the anger they've seen from me.  And, I'm working on that.  But, it's so so hard.  And, if it's hard for me, an adult...who should have a better handle on self control, how much harder will it be for my children?

So, what are some things I can do to help my child...specifically with the issue of telling the truth?

I Guess I'll Give My Downton Thoughts

If you haven't ever checked out the blog, Testosterhome, be sure to do so.  I love reading her blog because, like me, she's got a passel of boys.  But, she also gives a Downton rundown each week.  You can see her post for this week's show here.  I find myself anxiously awaiting her take on the week's show.  And, inevitably I share some of my own thoughts in her comments section.

So I thought I'd compile all the thoughts I left as comments & post them here as my own little Downton review.....

I loved when Mrs. Hughes mentioned that the visiting Russians were getting very emotional while viewing the artifacts. Definitely a profound contrast to the usual display (or lack thereof) of emotions in Downton.

Poor Mr. Gillingham! I didn’t particularly care for his character to start with. Any romance between him and Mary didn’t seem believable. But, I honestly thought HE was the one who’d end up doing the dumping & not the other way around.  Technically Mary hasn't done the dumping YET, but it sure seems to headed that direction.  That was an interesting little twist they threw in there.  And when Gillingham stopped in unexpectedly to see her back at Downton?  Awkward!

Edith's story is just awkward to watch.  It's painful really.

What’s going to happen with Thomas? It seems like something more is going on than him going to visit his supposedly dying father, only for his father to take a turn for the better & Thomas deciding to take a week’s vacation. Something’s a brewing I tell you.

And, I’m SO glad Baxter finally came clean with the rest of her story to Cora. Now, will she also share the rest with Mosley? And, what was happening in that preview for next week with Baxter & Mosley. There seemed to be some sort of mental breakdown happening.

Oh & WHAT in the world with that schoolteacher lady???? Forgetting her name at the moment. Good golly. She keeps showing up & saying something inappropriate every single time! She made an elderly Russian man cry for crying out loud. You could at least see Rose hesitating before inviting her this time. She seemed to feel obligated to do so.

But, Cora’s ability to diffuse an explosive situation is exceptional. I’ve often thought Cora to be a bit dimwitted. But, I will say this about her. I think she is genuine. And, she is talented at making the best of awful situations. And, I’m starting to wonder if she’s not as dimwitted as I first thought.

And finally, what about a romance between Lady Mary & Tom.  Now THAT would spice up the storyline!  Hmmm?

New Habits - Week Three

Good morning!  I'm entering my third week of trying to develop new and healthier habits.  And, I'm feeling pretty good.  Although, last week (my first week of no sugar) was a pretty emotional week for me.  I'm not sure if I should chalk that up to some spiritual questions and some other issues I was wrestling with, to mid-life female hormones, or to sugar withdrawal.  Maybe it was a combination of all three.  But, I was definitely an irritable mess last week.

To recap:
Phase One eliminated caffeine (specifically coffee) and adult beverages
Phase Two eliminated sugar

I have to clarify that I am not giving up these items in their entirety FOREVER.  I am giving them up FOR NOW.  It's part of detoxing my body and eliminating my dependence on these things (for energy, for relaxation, etc.).  And, hopefully when I do decide to add them back in, I can do so in moderation.

Moderation is something I have struggled to achieve all my life.  I'm hoping that old dogs CAN learn new tricks.  I  know the power that old habits can seem to hold over us.  But, I'm trusting that God can help work a breakthrough in this area of my life.  I sure haven't been able to do it in my own strength.  God's been working on me in a lot of areas...not just those related to my physical health, but also to my spiritual health.  So I'm moving forward as I cling to Him.

It's hard to believe it's only been two weeks that I've been doing this so far.  It seems longer.  I guess that's because each day...sometimes each moment of each day has been a struggle. I desire something & then I have this inner dialogue where I argue with myself about whether or not I can allow myself to have what I want.  I mean would one coffee derail all my goals?   The other morning my husband made coffee.  The smell tantalized and taunted me.  There is something so soothing and wonderful about the ritual of morning coffee.   I WANTED that coffee!  But, I reminded myself that this is just for now & not forever and I pushed through.

I have allowed myself some hot tea over these weeks.  I've been trying to stick to caffeine free teas, but I've also had some green teas that have some caffeine.  And, while tea can be soothing & it's nice to have a hot beverage on a cold day, it's just not the same.  I can't imagine having the same visceral response to a nice cup of tea as I have to a cup of coffee.  Tea doesn't make me say 'Aaaaahhhhh'.

My Downton Abbey tea for my Downton Abbey viewing.  The English sure drink a lot of tea.  I wonder if they love their tea as much as I love coffee.  

So this week is
Phase Three:  Eliminating night-time snacking.  Goal:  Eliminate unnecessary calories.  Go to bed & wake up feeling lighter.

This simply means I won't be eating anything after dinner.  Sounds simple enough.  But, night-time snacking is one of those bad habits that has become another form of relaxation for me.  After the kids are in bed my husband and I will often sit down to watch a show together and that inevitably involves some serious noshing.  All that noshing carries a pricetag....in the form of pants that I can't fit into without feeling like a sausage and that I can't button without squishing and pinching my stomach all day.

And, I know that when I don't eat at night I actually sleep better.  I feel better the next day.  And, I just feel lighter and less weighed down in general.

So, let Phase Three commence!  

Getting A Grip On My Anger....Again

I never identified myself as an angry or irritable person until I became a mother.  As I trudged into the unknown waters of parenting I often found myself mired down in murky, brackish spots.  I'd always imagined navigating motherhood would be more like floating blissfully down crystal clear, peaceful waters on a lazy, sunny summer afternoon listening to the tinkling of joyful laughter from a chorus of little voices.

You see, I grew up caring for children.  My whole life was centered around children.  I was the oldest child and the oldest grandchild on both sides of the family.  Some of my cousins are a good 15 to 20 years younger than me.  I remember being the one to entertain them at family gatherings and I sometimes babysat for my aunts.  I also began babysitting other people's children at the age of 11.  (Eleven!!  Can you imagine?  My oldest son is 11 and I'm only starting to feel comfortable letting him home alone for very short periods of time).  I always knew I wanted to be a teacher.  I would force my sister to play school with me.  And although there was a short period of time in high school that I considered studying journalism or literature,  I got my bachelor's degree in elementary & early childhood education.  I taught a couple years in the public school.  And, I worked for many years in an early learning center....first as the kindergarten teacher, then the assistant director, and then the director.  This doesn't even begin to cover the other jobs I had during college & beyond that involved working with children.

I thought I knew kids.  And, if anyone should have had a grip on what to expect from motherhood, it should have been me.  I was creative, energetic, & patient with other people's children.  I was really good at what I did.  It came naturally for me.  And so I assumed that motherhood would come naturally as well.

My first run-in with my own anger was probably when my second son was born.  He and my oldest are only 20 months apart.  Making that shift from one to two children really threw me for a loop.  Throw in the fact that I was probably suffering from some serious post-partum depression but did nothing to seek help for it.  Not to mention the interrupted sleep (none of my boys slept through the night until after their first birthday) and frequents bouts with mastitis and continuing to try to breastfeed through the pain.   Motherhood became physically & emotionally demanding.

I remember snapping at my oldest son...who was only about 2...for various things.  One instance stands out in my mind where I was holding the baby while Wyatt was picking out his vitamin.  He wanted to choose which vitamin he wanted, but he was taking his time in making that decision.  I was anxious to get both boys upstairs and into bed.  I was done.  Mama needed bedtime to happen and happen fast.  I told him I'd just pick one for him.  But he started fussing that HE wanted to pick it out.  This went on for a while until I snapped & I yelled at him to pick one out and get up the stairs.  His little eyes welled up with tears and I felt horrible.

We added two more sons in relatively quick succession.  And I stumbled through those early years of mothering sometimes in a fog & sometimes barely holding it together.  I don't want it to sound like it wasn't also a  beautiful & breathtaking time....because it was.  I relish the memories of nursing my children, of holding their little bodies close and smelling their sweet smell, of rocking them, of watching chubby little hands delight in digging in the dirt, and little bare feet toddling through the grass.

But, somewhere in there I became someone I didn't recognize....someone easily irritated and quick to yell.  I would go through my day determined to maintain a calm yet firm approach to any frustrations, but inevitably that anger would bubble up inside until it exploded.

I never wanted to be a yeller.  But I became a yeller.

And now that my boys are a bit older....five, seven, nine, and eleven...the physically demanding aspect of motherhood has subsided.  But, now I feel like the mental and emotional demands may overwhelm me.  I feel so outnumbered.  And, I don't know how to deal with all the noise, energy, rough housing, & fighting that comes with four boys in a small house.

It's the fighting that gets me most.  It's constant.  All. The. Time.  And, as much as we talk about being kind to each other, encouraging & lifting each other up instead tearing each other down, there's almost a never ending stream of teasing, fussing, whining, & just general meanness toward each other.

And, I have to wonder if my own irritability and anger has set the stage for what takes place in our house.  I'm sure it has.  If I had been a calm, unflustered, consistent & firm mother perhaps my children wouldn't be so quick tempered with each other.

So now what?  When I'm in a funk (and I'm in a funk!) I can't see my way out of it.  When things seem so out of control in my house, I retreat because I can't seem to see a way to regain control.  Luckily today is a Saturday and my husband is here to step in....to allow me to have a little time to myself.

I have been praying that God would give me the strength, wisdom, & patience that I need for the day.  I know I can't do this on my own.

Developing New Habits

I debated where I wanted to record my journey toward becoming healthier and developing better habits in regard to food and my health.  I thought about just doing a personal written journal.  But I also wanted some accountability.  I thought about creating a Facebook page since a lot of what I do is on Facebook & I know my friends would be able to join in with their thoughts & their own journeys.  But, it seemed self-preoccupied.  I thought about creating a new blog just dedicated to my health journey.  But, that felt a bit scattered.  Why not keep everything I write about in one place?

And, so I decided to write about it here.  It offers accountability.  I can still share my posts with my friends on Facebook.  And, instead of having my writing scattered, it's all in one place.  Maybe I can even become motivated to write on here more often in general.

My plan is to blog on Mondays about what I'm doing toward becoming healthier.  I think that will work well since I'm breaking everything down into weekly goals.  Last year I jumped into a 40 day Daniel Fast.  I did it as part of a congregation wide call to fasting during Lent at our church.  It was a good experience.  And, it taught me a lot about reading labels & being conscious of what's in my food.  It was also pretty restrictive and isn't realistic for me for a normal pattern of eating.

So I've decided to take it in stages....mainly because I know how I am.  I tend to be an 'all or nothing' girl.  I've always thrown myself into diets full on.  And frankly, it's a bit of a shock to the system.  It's hard to keep up that momentum.  And, then if I make one little mistake I feel like I've fallen off the wagon completely.  I want to change that about myself.  So, I taking it slow & trying to build new habits.

Last week was Phase One.  I eliminated caffeine (specifically coffee...Ugh!  I know!) and adult beverages. Goal:  Rehydrate & Re-energize

 Trust me I LOVE coffee.  And, it's been part of my morning ritual for so long.  But, I know from when I did the Daniel Fast (which eliminated all beverages other than water) that I actually feel much clearer headed when I'm not dosing up on caffeine every day.  The first week was torture & I was in a total fog.  But, if you can get beyond that, it's actually quite freeing.  I'm certainly not saying I'll never drink coffee again.  Far from it.  But for now, it's better not to be so dependent on it.

And, as far as adult beverages go - I really like wine...specifically red, dry wines.  I know Christians have varying views on consuming alcohol at all.  So, I hope I don't offend or shock anyone with that revelation.  I don't have a problem with enjoying an adult beverage now & then.  But, since my husband makes our own wine & brews our own beer, I had easy access to it.  And, I had gotten into the bad habit of having wine or beer almost every night.  Not only was I starting to count on it to relax;  it making me feel yucky and it's a lot of empty calories.  So I'm also giving that up for a while.

So now instead of coffee in the morning to wake up, I'm drinking a large glass of water first...sometimes followed by a glass of juice.  And, instead of a glass of wine in the evening to relax I either have nothing ,or if I really need to unwind, I have a mug of sleepytime tea.  The first week was so HARD.  But now I truly feel so much clearer-headed and more energetic.  And, I feel better hydrated too.

This week is Phase Two.  I'm eliminating most sugars.  Goal:  Sugar detox

No sweets or desserts, sugary drinks or cereals during this Phase.   I will allow myself one treat per week during this process so I don't feel totally deprived and give in.  I'm thinking a small piece of dark chocolate once a week should do the trick.  Unlike the Daniel Fast which eliminated ALL sweeteners (including honey & molasses), I will still incorporate those into my diet.  For instance I plan to make some home-made granola this week which uses honey.  But, the main culprit I want to eliminate is white sugar.

When I did the Daniel Fast I also eliminated any foods that had ANY sweeteners in.  So, even most store bought salad dressings were off the table.  I may get to that point.  But, for now the focus is the type of stuff I listed above.  A friend recommended the book, Sweet Poison, to read.  It talks about how we essentially are poisoning ourselves with sugar and that it's the main culprit for obesity.  I haven't read it yet.  But, I aim to!

I started this Phase yesterday and we had not just one but two birthday events.  We celebrated my mother-in-law's birthday by going out for lunch to a restaurant.   Almost everyone had dessert.  And, to make it even tougher, all our desserts were on the house because of how they had to seat our large party.  We were seated directly in the path of all the servers coming in and out and all the people making the trek back to where the bathrooms were. What?  Free Dessert???  But I prevailed!

From there we went directly to my nephew's 2nd birthday party.  I can usually take or leave store-bought cakes.  But, did you ever notice how when you CAN'T have something suddenly it looks amazing?  Yeah.  The cake looked good.  But, fortunately for me we had to leave early before the cake was cut so I could get to a class at church on time.

Anyway, I'm continuing Phase One through Phase Two & will continue to build on each new healthier habit over the next several weeks.   I' debating whether or not I want to do weekly weigh-ins just to see if I'm on track or not.  I really want my focus to be on getting healthy with some weight loss as a side benefit.  And, I don't want to become obsessed with the number on the scale.  I did weigh myself Saturday...the first time in months!  I just wanted to have an idea of where I was starting.

Where there's my weekly check in.  I'll be back next Monday to give an update and talk about the next Phase.

Foodie Literature, Fasts, and Food as a Vice...Oh My!

I'm reading a book right now called, The 100 Mile Diet:  A Year of Local Eating by Alisa Smith & J.B. MacKinnon.  In it the pair challenge themselves to one year of eating food grown only within a 100 mile radius of where they live.  What they find is that nearly all processed foods are eliminated...as are staples such as flour and sugar.  Even healthier options such as bananas, oranges, and pineapples are no longer on the menu.  At first their meals are somewhat bland....incorporating a lot of potatoes.  But, as they research and explore the farmer's markets and back roads of this self-imposed radius, they discover a treasure trove of local, fresh foods.  Their diet becomes anything but bland and instead showcases flavors and experiences with food that have long been forgotten by much of today's society.

Their writing is part foodie literature, part ecological and sociological history.  Much of the book is written in the style of other authors who describe food and food experiences in an almost sacred way....authors such as Ruth Reichl. M.F. K. Fisher, and Julie Powell.  Food is discovered, described, and devoured in it's most natural form.  And, the beauty of a single heirloom tomato, or the earthy delight of the first tender green shoots of the season become a source of wonder.

And, when I read books like this I feel inspired.  I feel inspired to eat real food.  To become more connected to the food that I'm eating rather than mindlessly shoveling handfuls of heavily processed 'food' from mysterious sources into my mouth.  It creates a hunger in me.  A hunger for freshness and sunshine and earth.  It creates a hunger for colors - green, reds, purples....colors that are sorrowfully lacking from my current diet.  Most of all, this concept of eating food in it's most natural form feels......natural.

Over Lent this year I had gone on a 40 day fast.  Our church was encouraging a congregation-wide season of prayer and fasting.  I felt led to take my fasting a little deeper than giving up a single pleasure of mine....in the past I've given up chocolate, or caffeine, or wine over Lent.  These were small sacrifices - items I missed at first (at the worst, suffering caffeine withdrawal headaches in the first day or two)  but my life didn't change much with their absence.

So, after a bit of researching and prayer, I decided on The Daniel Fast.  In short, the Daniel Fast was a food fast with a strong spiritual component.  The fast often results in increased health or weight loss, but it's main focus is increasing one's relationship with God.  The fast is fairly restrictive.  It allows fruits, vegetables, nuts & legumes, healthy oils (this one is somewhat up for debate...some people totally eliminate all oils), and whole grains.  It eliminates all meat, all dairy products & eggs, all sugar & other sweeteners (including honey, molasses,etc.), all preservatives, all grains that are not a whole grain (no white flour, white rice, etc.), and all beverages other than water.  It was a fast that only allowed food in it's most natural form.

I will admit that the Daniel Fast was difficult.  It was a struggle at first to figure out what to eat.  But after a while I got into a groove and I became creative with my meals.  I frequently ended up preparing two meals - one that my family would eat and one that I could eat.  The first week of the fast I felt cruddy.  I felt lethargic and icky.  My body was detoxifying.  After that first week I felt great  - with increased energy and clarity.  And, I lost about 20 pounds over the course of the fast.

After my fast was officially over, I slowly added some things back into my diet, but I tried to remain as close to this new pattern of eating as I could.  I lost an additional 15 pounds.  I did really well up until about August.  Then, I fell off the bandwagon....and I fell hard.  I reverted to my old patterns of binge eating and eating heavily processed 'comfort' foods.

Since then, I know I've gained back weight....perhaps most of it.  I'm afraid to step on the scale again because I'm so disappointed in myself, I don't want to know how badly I've messed up.  And, I'm embarrassed.  While I was eating well I shared updates on my progress and photos of the foods I was eating on Facebook.  Folks congratulated me and cheered me on.  When people saw me in person they saw the difference and they would comment on how good I looked.

One of those people was the mail lady.  In the warmer months when we're outside more often she will often pause and chat for a minute or two as she's dropping off our mail.  When she noticed my weight loss she asked what I had been doing and I shared a bit about the fast.  Like me she has struggled all her life with her weight and, like me, she has tried many different things with various degrees of success.  As we stood there talking she said, "It's so hard to lose weight.  Whatever you do, try to keep it off because if it comes back it's even harder to lose."  I nodded, knowing this to be truth.

And, here I am a few months later, already noticeably heavier than I was over the summer.  And, I'm ashamed.  I'm ashamed to acknowledge that I've virtually thrown all my hard work from earlier in the year down the toilet.  And I can't seem to find the motivation or the strength to pick myself up again and plunge back into treating my body well.  I feel cruddy and depressed.  And when I feel cruddy and depressed I turn to food - foods that offer that quick release of endorphins...foods loaded with sugar, and salt, and fat, and mystery ingredients.

One of the things I also became aware of when I was doing the fast is that, for me, my relationship with food is a spiritual battleground.  And, oh, how my spirit rebels against this concept.  I don't WANT to believe that the way I choose to use or abuse food can affect me spiritually.  And yet I see it play out time and time again.  When I willingly and knowingly treat my body poorly, when I rely on food for comfort or entertainment, when I treat food like an idol, I am not using food as God intended.....and that opens the door to sin.

Like Paul said in Romans 7:15, "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do."  
And, so, I find myself craving something different....something more natural.  I find myself longing use and enjoy food the way God intended.  Hear me when I say that I think food is a gift from our Creator God!  He could have merely created food to be bland nutrition.  Instead He created a wealth of flavors and textures.  Food in it's natural form is both nourishing and pleasurable.

The struggle continues.  Someday I hope to conquer this mountain.  For now, I'm still learning and surrendering.