Life has dealt us some blows lately...some big, some small. The cumulative effect is that I've been feeling very bruised and battered...tired, lacking in hope. My heart feels particularly vulnerable right now.
I sat down this morning to journal. And, I started to list the attributes and character of God....the things I felt so desperately in need of. Tentatively I began. He is...
Gentle
Tender
Gracious
And as I started writing them, more came to mind....
Forgiving
Faithful
Loving
Merciful
Then, I became hungry for them...these words that remind me who He is. I pulled out my Bible and I began listing as many as I could
Slow to Anger
Powerful
Unchanging
Provider
Protector
Perfecter
Peace Giver
And from there, the list grew and grew. Each word/ characteristic a balm to my soul.
Mighty
Healer
Majestic
One Who Sees
All Knowing
Invincible
Joy Giver
Hope Giver
Fulfiller of Promises
Kind
Just
Glorious
Fair
Everlasting
Ever Present
Encourager
Divine
Deliverer
Creator
Counselor
Covenant Maker
Compassionate
Comforter
Caring
Burden Bearer
Beautiful
Able
And, I could have gone on. This only scratches the surface.
When I remind myself of who He is my soul is soothed. And, I know I can trust him with this bruised heart of mine.
Wednesday, February 24, 2021
Who He Is
Monday, February 15, 2021
Live
This morning I was scrolling through Facebook until I was stopped in my tracks. There was a new Caring Bridge update for an old friend who was battling cancer. Something told me this did not bode well. There was just an update the night before saying she had been admitted to the hospital with a lot of pain.
Even though I half knew what to expect, when I opened the update and saw that she had passed it was a gut punch.
She had been fighting so hard. She was believing for a miracle, for her complete healing.
She had just celebrated completing her radiation a couple weeks ago...and then celebrated her 50th birthday about a week ago.
She wanted to live.
I remember reading a post she recently made in which she described how she was looking ahead to seeing her boys graduate, get married, and have babies. She pictured herself years down the road holding her grandchildren on her lap.
Cancer has stolen so much from so many.
And, I'm remembering how just last week, I was in such a dark place because of some of the things we are struggling with as a family. Depression and despair were winning the battle in my mind again. The thought passed through my head that it might just be better if I would die.
I am so ashamed that I ever let that thought pass through my head. That I would allow the darkness that kind of power over my thoughts, my emotions, my life.
And, while I was thinking something so awful about my own life, Sherry was fighting for hers.
She was so positive, so joyful...even in the midst of pain.
I don't know what to do with the swirl of emotions I am feeling right now. I don't want to just survive this life I've been blessed with. I want to thrive. I want to find my joy again. I want others to see my love for Jesus the same way others saw it in Sherry.
I know I can't do it on my own. I can't just will it to be. I need the power of the Holy Spirit to move in my life.
I don't want to take this life for granted.
I want to live.
Friday, February 21, 2020
Thomas
Sometimes when we read the Bible we are tempted to read it on a very surface level. The people described in it can seem very one dimensional instead of coming across to us as the living, breathing, flesh and blood people that they were.
But, if we read the Bible....really read it, we find clues to who these people were, how they felt, what their motivations were, and how God profoundly impacted them.
One of those people is Thomas. One of the 12 disciples, I've often felt that Thomas has been unfairly characterized as 'Doubting Thomas'. We know the story. The disciples were all in the upper room - hiding in terror after the death of their friend and their leader. Thomas wasn't there at the moment. We aren't sure where he was. Perhaps he had carefully ventured out to find food and supplies, or to see what the word/ mood on the street was.
Regardless of where he was, he missed something amazing. He missed seeing Jesus appear in that room. The resurrected Jesus. The Jesus they loved and had dedicated their lives to following. The Jesus that was everything they had pinned their hopes on. The Jesus they had watched die. And, who now stood in front of them - a light shining again in a place that had been very dark indeed.
And when Thomas returned, he couldn't believe what they were saying to him. Remember, each of these men had been deeply traumatized. They didn't see the same picture we now see. They were real people living in very dangerous times. And, they thought that Jesus' role as Messiah would look very different than what we now know the Messiah would be. They thought that the Messiah would conquer a temporary, earthly government. We now know the Messiah would be so much more.
So, when I read the words Thomas said, "Unless I see the nail marks in his hand and put my fingers where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe it." I feel his pain.
Oh Thomas. Your words resonate with me. How often have I been profoundly disappointed, discouraged, or in abject despair and my heart feels those same sentiments. I need to see you God. I need to see how you are in this, how this can be for my good. I don't see it Lord. And, if I can't see it, I can't believe it. I need some sign.
Doubting Thomas? If that name fits, then it fits us all.
There's another place that Thomas is mentioned in scripture that paints a very different picture of Thomas. They had just gotten word that Lazarus was sick. Jesus and the disciples remained where they were for two more days before Jesus said, "Let us go back to Judea".
The disciples tried to remind of him of the danger in returning to Judea....where Lazarus was...but where the Jews also wanted to kill him. There's an exchange that takes place that results in Jesus telling them clearly, "Lazarus is dead, and for your sake I am glad I was not there, so that you may believe. But let us go to him."
And here is where we see another side of Thomas. He says to the other disciples "Let us also go, that we may die with him."
Does that sound like a doubter? like a coward? Here is a man who was ready and willing to go die with his friend. (And, like every disciple except John, he would someday die for the sake of the gospel).
He sounds completely and utterly devoted to his Lord.
And that's how I see Thomas. How I see all the disciples actually. These were men who gave up everything to follow Jesus - their homes, their families, their livelihoods. They believed him and they trusted him. They might not have understood at the time what it would look like, but they knew Jesus was the Messiah. They staked their lives on it.
Then, everything shattered. Jesus was brutally killed. All their hopes died with him. They themselves were hunted. And, in the midst of that trauma, they hid.
So, let's go back to that room. That room where Jesus appeared ALIVE and Thomas missed it. That room where a broken, distraught Thomas declared that he needed to see to believe. And, that room where Jesus graciously appeared again and said "Here Thomas. Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe." I don't picture Jesus saying this in a scolding tone. I picture Jesus lovingly meeting Thomas' deepest need and healing his bruised soul.
And, Thomas replied "My Lord and my God!"
I can almost picture it. I can almost see Thomas collapsing to his knees in relief and joy and allowing the amazement of seeing Jesus wash over all the pain and fear of the previous week.
I'm reminded of one time that I truly thought I had lost my youngest son while we were at the grocery store. For 20 anguishing minutes I didn't know where he was. I was ready to call the police, convinced that my child had been taken. In horror I was imagining all sorts of awful scenarios. I decided to check our vehicle one more time before making the call....hoping that he had gone there....while also painfully aware that if my worst fears were true then time was of the essence. My other son had already checked the van once. I was feeling completely hopeless and absolutely terrified. When I slid open the van door and my son was sitting there in his seat, I collapsed in tears....so so relieved.
And, that's kind of how I picture Thomas in that moment.
This is why I love God's Word so much. When we read it....really read it....we see the beautiful ways that God reaches out to each of us in our human frailty. He revealed Himself to flesh and blood men and women just like us. People with lives and stories and personalities and struggles and failings and nuances of character....people just like us.
And, He continues to meet us right where we need him.
But, if we read the Bible....really read it, we find clues to who these people were, how they felt, what their motivations were, and how God profoundly impacted them.
One of those people is Thomas. One of the 12 disciples, I've often felt that Thomas has been unfairly characterized as 'Doubting Thomas'. We know the story. The disciples were all in the upper room - hiding in terror after the death of their friend and their leader. Thomas wasn't there at the moment. We aren't sure where he was. Perhaps he had carefully ventured out to find food and supplies, or to see what the word/ mood on the street was.
Regardless of where he was, he missed something amazing. He missed seeing Jesus appear in that room. The resurrected Jesus. The Jesus they loved and had dedicated their lives to following. The Jesus that was everything they had pinned their hopes on. The Jesus they had watched die. And, who now stood in front of them - a light shining again in a place that had been very dark indeed.
And when Thomas returned, he couldn't believe what they were saying to him. Remember, each of these men had been deeply traumatized. They didn't see the same picture we now see. They were real people living in very dangerous times. And, they thought that Jesus' role as Messiah would look very different than what we now know the Messiah would be. They thought that the Messiah would conquer a temporary, earthly government. We now know the Messiah would be so much more.
So, when I read the words Thomas said, "Unless I see the nail marks in his hand and put my fingers where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe it." I feel his pain.
Oh Thomas. Your words resonate with me. How often have I been profoundly disappointed, discouraged, or in abject despair and my heart feels those same sentiments. I need to see you God. I need to see how you are in this, how this can be for my good. I don't see it Lord. And, if I can't see it, I can't believe it. I need some sign.
Doubting Thomas? If that name fits, then it fits us all.
There's another place that Thomas is mentioned in scripture that paints a very different picture of Thomas. They had just gotten word that Lazarus was sick. Jesus and the disciples remained where they were for two more days before Jesus said, "Let us go back to Judea".
The disciples tried to remind of him of the danger in returning to Judea....where Lazarus was...but where the Jews also wanted to kill him. There's an exchange that takes place that results in Jesus telling them clearly, "Lazarus is dead, and for your sake I am glad I was not there, so that you may believe. But let us go to him."
And here is where we see another side of Thomas. He says to the other disciples "Let us also go, that we may die with him."
Does that sound like a doubter? like a coward? Here is a man who was ready and willing to go die with his friend. (And, like every disciple except John, he would someday die for the sake of the gospel).
He sounds completely and utterly devoted to his Lord.
And that's how I see Thomas. How I see all the disciples actually. These were men who gave up everything to follow Jesus - their homes, their families, their livelihoods. They believed him and they trusted him. They might not have understood at the time what it would look like, but they knew Jesus was the Messiah. They staked their lives on it.
Then, everything shattered. Jesus was brutally killed. All their hopes died with him. They themselves were hunted. And, in the midst of that trauma, they hid.
So, let's go back to that room. That room where Jesus appeared ALIVE and Thomas missed it. That room where a broken, distraught Thomas declared that he needed to see to believe. And, that room where Jesus graciously appeared again and said "Here Thomas. Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe." I don't picture Jesus saying this in a scolding tone. I picture Jesus lovingly meeting Thomas' deepest need and healing his bruised soul.
And, Thomas replied "My Lord and my God!"
I can almost picture it. I can almost see Thomas collapsing to his knees in relief and joy and allowing the amazement of seeing Jesus wash over all the pain and fear of the previous week.
I'm reminded of one time that I truly thought I had lost my youngest son while we were at the grocery store. For 20 anguishing minutes I didn't know where he was. I was ready to call the police, convinced that my child had been taken. In horror I was imagining all sorts of awful scenarios. I decided to check our vehicle one more time before making the call....hoping that he had gone there....while also painfully aware that if my worst fears were true then time was of the essence. My other son had already checked the van once. I was feeling completely hopeless and absolutely terrified. When I slid open the van door and my son was sitting there in his seat, I collapsed in tears....so so relieved.
And, that's kind of how I picture Thomas in that moment.
This is why I love God's Word so much. When we read it....really read it....we see the beautiful ways that God reaches out to each of us in our human frailty. He revealed Himself to flesh and blood men and women just like us. People with lives and stories and personalities and struggles and failings and nuances of character....people just like us.
And, He continues to meet us right where we need him.
Thursday, January 16, 2020
Fresh Hope
At the beginning of the year I came across something on Facebook. It was a 5 day challenge to jump-start some healthy habits. Usually I don't pay much attention to those kinds of sponsored posts. But something about this one seemed different. And I gave the 5-day challenge a try.
The same online community actually offers a paid course that you can take. I felt so good after the 5-day challenge that I decided to join that course.
I haven't said anything to anyone about this until now. I just shared this same thing with a group of friends who try to keep one another accountable. I've started and stopped a million times before at efforts to become healthier. I wanted to make sure this was different.
But I am really enjoying this course / program.
✨ First of all, it takes a holistic approach.... Addressing body, mind, and spirit. It's a community of Christian women. It stresses how desperately we need to rely on God for all things... including our health.
✨The next thing I like is that the leader stresses taking baby steps... Slowly establishing healthier habits in your life.
✨ Also, she is incredibly encouraging. At first, watching her videos, I thought she was a little too perky. Lol. But the more I watch and interact on the group, I believe she is the real deal and that her positive approach is genuine.
✨ I'm learning not to beat myself up for perceived failure. She said in one video that if we're doing even 1% better than we were before, we're making improvement. I don't know why, but that really stuck with me. I tend to have an all-or-nothing approach to getting healthy. And this program is really helping me to dismantle that mindset.
✨ She doesn't focus on the scale. In fact she encourages people to put their scales away and if necessary to throw them away. At the most we should only be doing monthly weigh-ins. She does encourage taking measurements and checking those every two weeks because they are a better gauge of how you are progressing. I have been a slave to the scale where if I don't see it moving or I don't see it moving fast enough, or heaven forbid if I see it go up, I become incredibly discouraged. This is a hard one to break away from but it's also incredibly freeing.
✨It's not restrictive. No counting calories, carbs, etc etc. This is also incredibly freeing. She stresses adding in healthier options and slowly crowding out the less healthy options
✨There's a community of women that I can interact with who are all going through the same program.... All at different stages. The ones who have been with it for a while are incredibly encouraging to the newer members
✨ I've been working on this since the beginning of the year. I don't see a ton of noticeable physical changes yet. But I feel better....much better actually. My clothes don't feel as tight. And for the first time in a long time I feel HOPE. Hope that I truly can make lasting changes.
I'll keep you posted. I'm praying that God strengthens me to be a good steward of the body he has given me.
The same online community actually offers a paid course that you can take. I felt so good after the 5-day challenge that I decided to join that course.
I haven't said anything to anyone about this until now. I just shared this same thing with a group of friends who try to keep one another accountable. I've started and stopped a million times before at efforts to become healthier. I wanted to make sure this was different.
But I am really enjoying this course / program.
✨ First of all, it takes a holistic approach.... Addressing body, mind, and spirit. It's a community of Christian women. It stresses how desperately we need to rely on God for all things... including our health.
✨The next thing I like is that the leader stresses taking baby steps... Slowly establishing healthier habits in your life.
✨ Also, she is incredibly encouraging. At first, watching her videos, I thought she was a little too perky. Lol. But the more I watch and interact on the group, I believe she is the real deal and that her positive approach is genuine.
✨ I'm learning not to beat myself up for perceived failure. She said in one video that if we're doing even 1% better than we were before, we're making improvement. I don't know why, but that really stuck with me. I tend to have an all-or-nothing approach to getting healthy. And this program is really helping me to dismantle that mindset.
✨ She doesn't focus on the scale. In fact she encourages people to put their scales away and if necessary to throw them away. At the most we should only be doing monthly weigh-ins. She does encourage taking measurements and checking those every two weeks because they are a better gauge of how you are progressing. I have been a slave to the scale where if I don't see it moving or I don't see it moving fast enough, or heaven forbid if I see it go up, I become incredibly discouraged. This is a hard one to break away from but it's also incredibly freeing.
✨It's not restrictive. No counting calories, carbs, etc etc. This is also incredibly freeing. She stresses adding in healthier options and slowly crowding out the less healthy options
✨There's a community of women that I can interact with who are all going through the same program.... All at different stages. The ones who have been with it for a while are incredibly encouraging to the newer members
✨ I've been working on this since the beginning of the year. I don't see a ton of noticeable physical changes yet. But I feel better....much better actually. My clothes don't feel as tight. And for the first time in a long time I feel HOPE. Hope that I truly can make lasting changes.
I'll keep you posted. I'm praying that God strengthens me to be a good steward of the body he has given me.
Wednesday, January 1, 2020
An Update and A New Year
I recently looked back at some old posts and realized something pretty momentous. It was ten years ago, in 2010, that I began this blog.
Where was I then? Where was our family then?
Well, there's much that hasn't changed. We still live in the same house, in the same town, in the same school district. Our 'starter home' when we married has been home all these (18) years.
But, my, how our family has grown! Not in numbers.... We had 4 boys then & 4 boys now. But they are so much bigger. Maturing into young men before my very eyes.
Ten years ago I had 4 boys aged 6 and under...one of which was an infant.
Now my two oldest (16 and 14) tower over me. My 12 year old is as tall as me and growing. And, my baby....just turned 10.
Where was I then? Where was our family then?
Well, there's much that hasn't changed. We still live in the same house, in the same town, in the same school district. Our 'starter home' when we married has been home all these (18) years.
But, my, how our family has grown! Not in numbers.... We had 4 boys then & 4 boys now. But they are so much bigger. Maturing into young men before my very eyes.
Ten years ago I had 4 boys aged 6 and under...one of which was an infant.
Now my two oldest (16 and 14) tower over me. My 12 year old is as tall as me and growing. And, my baby....just turned 10.
My dog, Abbey, is almost as gray as my husband and I.
Ten years ago I began a blog because I was knee deep in diapers and sleepless nights, and I needed something that was 'mine', something that helped me find a connection with others, something to do.... to create that would last.
And, how I love looking back at those early posts. Actually I love looking back at all my posts. It's a little window into my thoughts, my experiences, my family. I read those posts and am reminded of things I'd forgotten...things that would have been lost if not recorded here.
My blogging style has changed over the years. At first it was primarily about my family and a recording of our daily lives. It morphed over the years into a place where I could record what God was speaking to me or working out in me.
I've all but abandoned it in recent years. Facebook took over as a place where I could quickly record little tidbits from our lives and where I could find connection.
But, I'm not ready to say goodbye.
This blog is a reminder of the fact that I love to write.....that writing is something that helps keep me sane. I may not ever be a popular blogger or author. But, the words I record have meaning to me....and that is enough.
So, I won't begin the new year with any grandiose plans to return to regular blogging. But, I will pop on here from time to time....and record bits for the me ten years from now who will look back and remember.
And, how I love looking back at those early posts. Actually I love looking back at all my posts. It's a little window into my thoughts, my experiences, my family. I read those posts and am reminded of things I'd forgotten...things that would have been lost if not recorded here.
My blogging style has changed over the years. At first it was primarily about my family and a recording of our daily lives. It morphed over the years into a place where I could record what God was speaking to me or working out in me.
I've all but abandoned it in recent years. Facebook took over as a place where I could quickly record little tidbits from our lives and where I could find connection.
But, I'm not ready to say goodbye.
This blog is a reminder of the fact that I love to write.....that writing is something that helps keep me sane. I may not ever be a popular blogger or author. But, the words I record have meaning to me....and that is enough.
So, I won't begin the new year with any grandiose plans to return to regular blogging. But, I will pop on here from time to time....and record bits for the me ten years from now who will look back and remember.
Monday, December 23, 2019
That Same Old Weight
Today I have a different type of post than I've done in recent years. But I need to begin to record my thoughts somewhere. And to work through this area of my life. It's one of those things I thought I would have victory over long ago. But here I am.
This is what unhappiness looks like. My unhappiness comes out in overeating, over drinking 🍷, not moving enough, and not doing enough. It looks like fat, a cluttered house, and a cluttered foggy mind, and a mom/wife who is always angry and easily irritated. I really don't want to live like this anymore.
I'm not sure what the answer is. I've tried and tried and tried and failed and failed and failed.
I am terrified that I am going to continue to gain weight. Completely out of control. I'm already at my highest ever weight. I'm not even sure what it is because I'm terrified to step on the scale and see. I'm guessing it's somewhere around 225-230.
I can't hardly drag myself up and down my stairs. I get out of breath quickly. My knees and hips and feet hurt. My clothes don't fit. I hate my body.
I turn 50 in 2020. And I want to be different by 50.
I don't even know how to get there.
But here's my first step.
I'm acknowledging that I am this way because I'm unhappy and I'm unhappy because I am this way.
I guess step 2 will be getting to the root of my unhappiness.
And we'll go from there.
I'm not sure what the answer is. I've tried and tried and tried and failed and failed and failed.
I am terrified that I am going to continue to gain weight. Completely out of control. I'm already at my highest ever weight. I'm not even sure what it is because I'm terrified to step on the scale and see. I'm guessing it's somewhere around 225-230.
I can't hardly drag myself up and down my stairs. I get out of breath quickly. My knees and hips and feet hurt. My clothes don't fit. I hate my body.
I turn 50 in 2020. And I want to be different by 50.
I don't even know how to get there.
But here's my first step.
I'm acknowledging that I am this way because I'm unhappy and I'm unhappy because I am this way.
I guess step 2 will be getting to the root of my unhappiness.
And we'll go from there.
Saturday, December 14, 2019
What I Wanted to Say
This morning I was having brunch and a holiday cookie exchange with a group of women that I've known for a long time. We have a dinner group where we try to get together at least once a month at someone's house and eat together. It's been a bit more spaced out in recent years, but we still try to make our get-togethers a semi regular occurrence.
We were sharing updates from our lives today. Going around the table, each of us took a few minutes to share what's happening. Our group in general has had a hard go of it in recent years. A life altering accident, divorce & separations, financial problems, loved ones with addictions, marital problems, health problems, job woes, parenting stress, mental illness....life hasn't been easy for most of our group.
I know that in the midst of all this I've been relatively blessed in my life. My troubles have seemed paltry in comparison to what my friends have been enduring.
But, this morning as we shared with each other I opened up that this has been a really difficult year for me. That my faith and trust in God has been tested. That my expectation for the year was different from the reality.
My first post of the year was about that expectation. How I came into the year ready to see what God was about to do. I was convinced that something exciting, life changing, fulfilling was just around the corner.
After all. We had been obedient in His call to leave the security and safety of the path we had been on. I was convinced that doors would open quickly and we'd soon be on a new (secure and safe) path.
And when that didn't happen, I was shaken.
I tried to express this to my friends. And also how, now that things are beginning to look brighter, it has me examining myself and my own heart. Is my trust in God dependent on smooth sailing? Or do I trust Him even when I'm struggling to see His provision and His plan?
I tried to express it but I'm not sure how well I did. In fact, I did what I do anytime that I speak. I stumbled over my words. I hemmed and hawed. I find it frustrating to try to speak my thoughts actually. Sometimes I pause because I need to gather my thoughts and formulate how to say what I want to say. And, then I tend to lose my train of thought, my flow...and what comes out is abbreviated gobbledygook.
It's why writing is so much better for me.
What I wanted to say and to express is that this year has brought me to my knees. I've been humbled and broken. I've been forced to look at myself in a mirror and I don't like what I see. This year has driven me to the end of myself. And into the arms of God.
I've fought against it. I've beaten his chest with angry fists and with tears streaming from all my broken places. I don't like pain. Pain feels like punishment. Pain feels like failure. Pain feels like a sure sign that you're headed the wrong way.
But sometimes pain is what brings us to a place of healing, a place where God can form us and mold us into something better....more beautiful.... more like Him.
This year has been a year of fear, of anger, of hurt, of despair, of loss, of loneliness, of losing faith.
But, this year has also been a year of surrender. A year of coming to terms with my own insufficiency and a better understanding of His absolute sufficiency. It's been a year of learning unlike anything I had expected.
I am hopeful that He has brought me to a place where I don't always have to see where His path is leading me to know that I can trust Him. I am hopeful that I still have time to make a difference in the world, with my life....that I have something to offer. I am hopeful that fear is steadily losing its grip on me.
And I KNOW that God is always at work...no matter what the circumstances...He is always at work.
And He is creating a beautiful story of His redemption, His power, His restoration, and His love.
And, that's what I wanted to tell my friends today.
We were sharing updates from our lives today. Going around the table, each of us took a few minutes to share what's happening. Our group in general has had a hard go of it in recent years. A life altering accident, divorce & separations, financial problems, loved ones with addictions, marital problems, health problems, job woes, parenting stress, mental illness....life hasn't been easy for most of our group.
I know that in the midst of all this I've been relatively blessed in my life. My troubles have seemed paltry in comparison to what my friends have been enduring.
But, this morning as we shared with each other I opened up that this has been a really difficult year for me. That my faith and trust in God has been tested. That my expectation for the year was different from the reality.
My first post of the year was about that expectation. How I came into the year ready to see what God was about to do. I was convinced that something exciting, life changing, fulfilling was just around the corner.
After all. We had been obedient in His call to leave the security and safety of the path we had been on. I was convinced that doors would open quickly and we'd soon be on a new (secure and safe) path.
And when that didn't happen, I was shaken.
I tried to express this to my friends. And also how, now that things are beginning to look brighter, it has me examining myself and my own heart. Is my trust in God dependent on smooth sailing? Or do I trust Him even when I'm struggling to see His provision and His plan?
I tried to express it but I'm not sure how well I did. In fact, I did what I do anytime that I speak. I stumbled over my words. I hemmed and hawed. I find it frustrating to try to speak my thoughts actually. Sometimes I pause because I need to gather my thoughts and formulate how to say what I want to say. And, then I tend to lose my train of thought, my flow...and what comes out is abbreviated gobbledygook.
It's why writing is so much better for me.
What I wanted to say and to express is that this year has brought me to my knees. I've been humbled and broken. I've been forced to look at myself in a mirror and I don't like what I see. This year has driven me to the end of myself. And into the arms of God.
I've fought against it. I've beaten his chest with angry fists and with tears streaming from all my broken places. I don't like pain. Pain feels like punishment. Pain feels like failure. Pain feels like a sure sign that you're headed the wrong way.
But sometimes pain is what brings us to a place of healing, a place where God can form us and mold us into something better....more beautiful.... more like Him.
This year has been a year of fear, of anger, of hurt, of despair, of loss, of loneliness, of losing faith.
But, this year has also been a year of surrender. A year of coming to terms with my own insufficiency and a better understanding of His absolute sufficiency. It's been a year of learning unlike anything I had expected.
I am hopeful that He has brought me to a place where I don't always have to see where His path is leading me to know that I can trust Him. I am hopeful that I still have time to make a difference in the world, with my life....that I have something to offer. I am hopeful that fear is steadily losing its grip on me.
And I KNOW that God is always at work...no matter what the circumstances...He is always at work.
And He is creating a beautiful story of His redemption, His power, His restoration, and His love.
And, that's what I wanted to tell my friends today.
Friday, August 30, 2019
Hard Stuff
The last time I wrote on this blog was in April. It's not the last time I wrote altogether. I've written in my notebook, in my heart, in my mind.
I keep thinking I need to have something profound to share.
But, here it is. I'm in a dry place. I've been in a dry place this year.
Actually, that's not entirely true. There have been moments of clarity and growth.
But, there's also been discouragement, weightiness, struggle, failure.
I was watching the Kara Tippetts story again tonight. It's my second attempt at watching the documentary that brings us face to face with her and her family as they prepare for her death, as they learn to say goodbye.
And, I keep getting stuck right about halfway through. I'm not sure why. Is it too raw? too real?
Does it raise questions I'm not prepared to answer?
I'm struck over and over at the incredible peace and grace that exudes from her and her family in the midst of very great suffering.
May I be honest? It's a reminder of how deeply I fail. How I fail to remain peaceful, gentle, and full of faith in the midst of my own minor sufferings.
What can I call suffering? Certainly nothing like what so many around me are enduring. Sickness, death, divorce.
Certainly not anything as devastating and life altering as those things.
Yet why do I feel devastated? Why do I feel so completely shattered at my absolute lack of control over my life? Why do I feel like it's all too much?
What has left me so crushed?
We have been having one of the most difficult years we have ever had. That's for sure. Leaving a family business. Feeling the hurt and loss associated with that. Starting a new direction for John's career. Financial stress. More financial stress. Did I mention financial stress?
Struggling to know which direction we are meant to go. Wondering... questioning if we heard God correctly in choosing to leave everything that was comfortable and secure.
Change after change after change.
And it's more than I can handle. So much more.
Yet.
Yet, I know God's hand is on us. We've seen his provision so many different times.
And still I question and wrestle and fear and worry.
When I see God's hand at work I feel good... reassured. When God seems to be silent, I lash out. Angry. Are we being punished for choosing wrong? Are we on the wrong path?
Will God punish me for not being grateful enough?
I mean, my initial response is 'no'. But, isn't that what happened to the Israelites in the wilderness when they worried and complained? When they lacked faith in what God had promised them? Weren't they punished?
How am I any different?
I long for answers. For encouragement. For a balm to soothe me in the deepest places. I long for peace.
And, can I be honest? I'm not finding that at church. Instead it feels like.... Performances. Striving. Emotional gymnastics. Promises for prosperity when in reality I just feel drained. It feels like this is modern day American Christianity across the board.
Does that sound harsh? Negative? Does that sound like I need a little more faith? Like I need to adjust my attitude?
I don't want to mock. I truly don't.
But, why are we so afraid to walk through the hard times and acknowledge that they are a very real part of our Christian walk?
Why can't we hold each other's hand?
I need my fellow Christians to assure me that even in the darkness..and there WILL be darkness....God is still there. That nothing....NOTHING that can separate me from the love of God.
It's not that I need to try harder. To be better.
God meets me...meets us....regardless. He knows we are but dust. And, still He loves us. He chooses to work in and through our lives. Our messes.
Even when we don't understand what He's doing.
Even when He feels distant.
He is there.
There is no where I can go from his Presence. No where I can go from His Spirit.
I don't need to work myself into a frenzy trying to have an 'encounter' with God.
Every day is an encounter as we see Him in our joy, in our sadness, in our fear, in our anger. He meets us in all those places.
He is reminding us of His Goodness, His Sovereignty, His Love. In everything.
Even now.
Even now I am reminded.
And to this I cling....
He is enough.
Tuesday, April 16, 2019
But The Cannibals, Part 2
My word going into 2019 was 'expectation'. We had thrown off a lot of things that were familiar and gave us security. We had made a really big leap.
And I believed, with wholehearted expectation, that the game plan....our big picture would reveal itself relatively quickly once we obeyed the call to set those things aside.
Instead, our expectation is being drawn out in a process much longer than I anticipated.
It's been a couple months since I wrote the first part of this story - But the Cannibals, Part 1. So much has happened, and yet not a lot has changed. For some reason I couldn't quite bring myself to write the second part of that blog post. The words were escaping me to explain what the title I chose meant to us.
But, I need to finish that thought because it helps to explain how we got to where we are.
In the book 'Radical' by David Platt he challenges the reader to examine the Christian status quo and ask ourselves if that's really what Jesus meant by taking up our cross and following him. He reminded us that Jesus calls us to a radical worldview that dramatically changes the way we relate to the world around us.
In Chapter 8 he tells the story of John Paton (1824 - 1907) a promising young Scottish pastor who felt the call to the New Hebrides - Pacific islands with known cannibalistic people. Many people tried to dissuade him. One older man in particular would exclaim, "The Cannibals! You will be eaten by the Cannibals."
This was John Paton's reply, "Mr. Dickson, you are advanced in years now, and your own prospect is soon to be laid in the grave, there to be eaten by worms: I confess to you, that if I can but live and die serving and honouring the Lord Jesus, it will make no difference to me whether I am eaten by the Cannibals or by worms; and in the Great Day my resurrection body will arise as fair as yours in the likeneess of our risen Redeemer."
What faith!
Shortly after reading this story, I came across two other stories that in some way involved cannibals.
The next one was something I saw on Facebook... a video called "Never the Same" based on the book "Peace Child" by Don Richardson....another story of missionaries who were trying to reach a cannibalistic people group with the Gospel. They found an opportunity when they became aware of a practice where two warring tribes would exchange a peace child as a sign of their promise to keep the peace. This was an unexpected opening to sharing who Jesus is and how He came to reconcile us to God.
And finally, one of our pastors shared something during a sermon about the true story behind the novel Moby Dick. The whaling boat, The Essex, had been severely damaged by a whale and was slowly sinking. The crew had no choice but to leave The Essex and take three 20 foot boats to land.
The closest land was a group of islands. But, they were convinced that these were inhabited by cannibals. So, they chose a different route to land further away. Starvation and trouble followed them. And, as crew members died, the survivors themselves resorted to cannibalism to stay alive.
So why did I find these three stories significant in our process?
Well, the simplest analogy is that in each of these stories I could see how cannibals represented fear.
Fear is something with which I am well acquainted. And I have to admit that I've allowed fear to rule many of my decisions over the years.
But, here's what I saw in each these stories.
In the story of John Paton - he didn't let fear hold him back.
In the story of the Peace Child - fear isn't what it seems, there is a way through the fear
In the story of The Essex - when we give in to fear we can become what we fear.
It didn't seem an accident that these were the messages I was getting in the midst of making some of the biggest decisions of our life.
But now what?
(More to come)
And I believed, with wholehearted expectation, that the game plan....our big picture would reveal itself relatively quickly once we obeyed the call to set those things aside.
Instead, our expectation is being drawn out in a process much longer than I anticipated.
It's been a couple months since I wrote the first part of this story - But the Cannibals, Part 1. So much has happened, and yet not a lot has changed. For some reason I couldn't quite bring myself to write the second part of that blog post. The words were escaping me to explain what the title I chose meant to us.
But, I need to finish that thought because it helps to explain how we got to where we are.
In the book 'Radical' by David Platt he challenges the reader to examine the Christian status quo and ask ourselves if that's really what Jesus meant by taking up our cross and following him. He reminded us that Jesus calls us to a radical worldview that dramatically changes the way we relate to the world around us.
In Chapter 8 he tells the story of John Paton (1824 - 1907) a promising young Scottish pastor who felt the call to the New Hebrides - Pacific islands with known cannibalistic people. Many people tried to dissuade him. One older man in particular would exclaim, "The Cannibals! You will be eaten by the Cannibals."
This was John Paton's reply, "Mr. Dickson, you are advanced in years now, and your own prospect is soon to be laid in the grave, there to be eaten by worms: I confess to you, that if I can but live and die serving and honouring the Lord Jesus, it will make no difference to me whether I am eaten by the Cannibals or by worms; and in the Great Day my resurrection body will arise as fair as yours in the likeneess of our risen Redeemer."
What faith!
Shortly after reading this story, I came across two other stories that in some way involved cannibals.
The next one was something I saw on Facebook... a video called "Never the Same" based on the book "Peace Child" by Don Richardson....another story of missionaries who were trying to reach a cannibalistic people group with the Gospel. They found an opportunity when they became aware of a practice where two warring tribes would exchange a peace child as a sign of their promise to keep the peace. This was an unexpected opening to sharing who Jesus is and how He came to reconcile us to God.
And finally, one of our pastors shared something during a sermon about the true story behind the novel Moby Dick. The whaling boat, The Essex, had been severely damaged by a whale and was slowly sinking. The crew had no choice but to leave The Essex and take three 20 foot boats to land.
The closest land was a group of islands. But, they were convinced that these were inhabited by cannibals. So, they chose a different route to land further away. Starvation and trouble followed them. And, as crew members died, the survivors themselves resorted to cannibalism to stay alive.
So why did I find these three stories significant in our process?
Well, the simplest analogy is that in each of these stories I could see how cannibals represented fear.
Fear is something with which I am well acquainted. And I have to admit that I've allowed fear to rule many of my decisions over the years.
But, here's what I saw in each these stories.
In the story of John Paton - he didn't let fear hold him back.
In the story of the Peace Child - fear isn't what it seems, there is a way through the fear
In the story of The Essex - when we give in to fear we can become what we fear.
It didn't seem an accident that these were the messages I was getting in the midst of making some of the biggest decisions of our life.
But now what?
(More to come)
Saturday, March 23, 2019
Growing Pains
There is a strange calm uneasiness, a numb restlessness that has settled on my soul.
I know those words don't go together, but I'm not sure how else to describe it.
In any other time of my life I might have described it as a cautious hope. But, in my current mindset, I can't help but look at it through a slightly negative filter.
Maybe this is what coming to the end of yourself looks like. Maybe this is the absolute inability to see the way forward that precipitates surrender. True surrender to God and His will.
Maybe this is good.
I'm just not sure. And, I don't know exactly what to do with it.
It comes with a certain sadness....like I've lost a part of myself. But, maybe it's to make room for something new.
Ah, see...maybe I haven't completely lost the ability to look at this through a positive lens.
Maybe there is still hope deep within these bones.
Maybe these are growing pains.
I know those words don't go together, but I'm not sure how else to describe it.
In any other time of my life I might have described it as a cautious hope. But, in my current mindset, I can't help but look at it through a slightly negative filter.
Maybe this is what coming to the end of yourself looks like. Maybe this is the absolute inability to see the way forward that precipitates surrender. True surrender to God and His will.
Maybe this is good.
I'm just not sure. And, I don't know exactly what to do with it.
It comes with a certain sadness....like I've lost a part of myself. But, maybe it's to make room for something new.
Ah, see...maybe I haven't completely lost the ability to look at this through a positive lens.
Maybe there is still hope deep within these bones.
Maybe these are growing pains.
Tuesday, February 12, 2019
But The Cannibals! Part One
John and I are in a major transition in our lives right now. We made a decision that, on the surface, seems incredibly reckless, rash, and irresponsible. But, it involved years of prayer and a really intense season of prayer and seeking God within this past year.
John left his job. And, he doesn't currently have another one lined up.
He is essentially the sole breadwinner for our family. I bring in some supplemental income with my hobby business of buying and selling vintage/ antique items. But, it's not much. Sometimes it's enough to cover the groceries or the gas.
So, why would we decide to do something like this?
It's so hard to put into words everything that has led up to this. John has been feeling unsettled at his job (a family business) for a long time.
A recent personality profile that he took defined him as a 'Maverick'. He's a risk taker, a problem solver, someone who works well in high pressure and unfamiliar surroundings. He's got a sense of adventure, someone with broad vision, someone driven. But he can be bogged down by details and rules and tends to color outside the lines/ think outside the box.
He once envisioned himself in the mission field...not necessarily in an evangelistic capacity...but rather as the guy who could go in and fix what needed to be fixed, get done what needed to be done, to support the missionaries on the field and their communities.
That desire to accomplish the things that God made him capable of accomplishing has been reawakened in John. And, he's been looking for ways to make that happen.
I am the complete opposite of him in many ways. Where he thrives in change, I dread it. I am not the risk taker, I am the risk avoider. I like the safe places - the familiar and secure. Even for John, Mr. Adventure, the familiar and the comfortable became a safe place....an easy place to stay.
So, it's even more strange that I'm the one who first suggested to John that perhaps for God to open the next door in our lives, he was asking us to shut the one to the familiar and comfortable first. That He wanted us in a position where we had to trust Him completely and fully.
There were other factors in our decision as well. I don't need to detail them all here. But, John found himself growing increasingly stressed, irritable, and bitter over situations he felt powerless to change. That stress was spilling over into our family. And, we had to take a good hard look at what we valued the most. On one side was stability and security - but at a price that was constantly rising. On the other side was our family and the ways God is leading us - but with an incredible jump of faith.
We chose the jump of faith.
There is always resistance to faith. You can count on it. The enemy loves nothing more than to plant seeds of doubt, confusion, and fear in the freshly tilled earth where we are growing our faith.
Fear has always been a huge factor in my life. It has been at the crux of so many choices and decisions. I naturally seem to look at what could go wrong, ways to fail, the worst case scenarios. And, I have held back from opportunities and choices where the risk seemed too high.
Fear paralyzes. It keeps us from moving forward and facing the unknown.
I've been re-reading a book that I came across years ago. It's called Radical, by David Platt. The tagline is Taking back your faith from the American dream. In it, he hits hard on some of the things that we as American Christians have assimilated into our faith that are not necessarily Biblical principles, but more so American principles.
Some of those things include the theology of comfort and prosperity. He challenges that by reminding us of some of the very radical things Jesus said about dying to ourselves, suffering for His sake, and giving of ourselves sacrificially.
It's not exactly easy stuff to read.
But, it also has been stirring something in me and making me ask myself how I can best serve God with what is left of my life.
(To Be Continued)
John left his job. And, he doesn't currently have another one lined up.
He is essentially the sole breadwinner for our family. I bring in some supplemental income with my hobby business of buying and selling vintage/ antique items. But, it's not much. Sometimes it's enough to cover the groceries or the gas.
So, why would we decide to do something like this?
It's so hard to put into words everything that has led up to this. John has been feeling unsettled at his job (a family business) for a long time.
A recent personality profile that he took defined him as a 'Maverick'. He's a risk taker, a problem solver, someone who works well in high pressure and unfamiliar surroundings. He's got a sense of adventure, someone with broad vision, someone driven. But he can be bogged down by details and rules and tends to color outside the lines/ think outside the box.
He once envisioned himself in the mission field...not necessarily in an evangelistic capacity...but rather as the guy who could go in and fix what needed to be fixed, get done what needed to be done, to support the missionaries on the field and their communities.
That desire to accomplish the things that God made him capable of accomplishing has been reawakened in John. And, he's been looking for ways to make that happen.
I am the complete opposite of him in many ways. Where he thrives in change, I dread it. I am not the risk taker, I am the risk avoider. I like the safe places - the familiar and secure. Even for John, Mr. Adventure, the familiar and the comfortable became a safe place....an easy place to stay.
So, it's even more strange that I'm the one who first suggested to John that perhaps for God to open the next door in our lives, he was asking us to shut the one to the familiar and comfortable first. That He wanted us in a position where we had to trust Him completely and fully.
There were other factors in our decision as well. I don't need to detail them all here. But, John found himself growing increasingly stressed, irritable, and bitter over situations he felt powerless to change. That stress was spilling over into our family. And, we had to take a good hard look at what we valued the most. On one side was stability and security - but at a price that was constantly rising. On the other side was our family and the ways God is leading us - but with an incredible jump of faith.
We chose the jump of faith.
There is always resistance to faith. You can count on it. The enemy loves nothing more than to plant seeds of doubt, confusion, and fear in the freshly tilled earth where we are growing our faith.
Fear has always been a huge factor in my life. It has been at the crux of so many choices and decisions. I naturally seem to look at what could go wrong, ways to fail, the worst case scenarios. And, I have held back from opportunities and choices where the risk seemed too high.
Fear paralyzes. It keeps us from moving forward and facing the unknown.
I've been re-reading a book that I came across years ago. It's called Radical, by David Platt. The tagline is Taking back your faith from the American dream. In it, he hits hard on some of the things that we as American Christians have assimilated into our faith that are not necessarily Biblical principles, but more so American principles.
Some of those things include the theology of comfort and prosperity. He challenges that by reminding us of some of the very radical things Jesus said about dying to ourselves, suffering for His sake, and giving of ourselves sacrificially.
It's not exactly easy stuff to read.
But, it also has been stirring something in me and making me ask myself how I can best serve God with what is left of my life.
(To Be Continued)
Tuesday, January 1, 2019
Expectation
Happy New Year!
I woke up this morning still carrying weight from 2018. Yes, I know that life doesn't magically change from one moment before midnight to one moment after.
But, I also see the New Year as a fresh start - one where I can adjust my attitudes and perspective. And I want to look at things differently this year. I want to look at them through God's eyes. And, I want to look at them through a lens of joy and confidence ( my words for the year).
The thing that weighed so much on me this morning is knowing that we have burned a bridge behind us. It's hugely scary, especially since we haven't found where we are going to land yet.
But, I felt like God said to me, "Do you trust in ___________ or do you trust in me? (I left a blank there because some of this is still too personal and raw to insert specifics. But, you too can fill in that blank with whatever is specific to your life).
We are now in a position where we will need to rely fully and completely on God. There is no Plan B. It is simply to trust Him.
And I suppose the opposite of dread (that feeling that follows me relentlessly and that I feel so often almost as soon as I wake in the morning) is Expectation. Maybe that's what my word should have been for the year. Perhaps the joy and confidence I seek are the result of expectation.
Expectation: A belief that something will happen in the future
In secular culture we are often warned not to set our expectations too high so that we won't be disappointed.
Or expectations are seen as a set of pre-suppositions that can hinder actual growth or relationships. For instance, if we go into a marriage with expectations of what the other person should do or should be like, it can actually hurt the relationship.
But, it's also a word that is used a lot in our church recently....in a totally different context. Expectation is seen as looking ahead, looking forward to God's goodness - knowing there are things in store for His people...... expecting to see Him work in and through our situations.
And, as I looked up the definition of expectation online I came across the 'archaic' definition, which is "one's prospect of inheritance".
Yes! Now put that into spiritual terms. We look ahead to , we long for our spiritual inheritance. This is the object of our expectation.
And, how can I infuse expectation into my daily life? I'm not sure. But, I'm going to ask God to give me a spirit of expectation.
Perhaps one of those ways is to rewire our neural pathways (This was mentioned in Sunday's sermon at church). My pathways have been so trained to go directly to negative thinking. It's become a lifestyle for me.
In fact, this morning when I woke up I immediately felt the heaviness of that negative thinking.
But, by sitting down and fleshing out those thoughts in written form and reminding myself of what God is saying, I am strengthening new pathways.
Pathways to Expectation, Joy, and Confidence.
I woke up this morning still carrying weight from 2018. Yes, I know that life doesn't magically change from one moment before midnight to one moment after.
But, I also see the New Year as a fresh start - one where I can adjust my attitudes and perspective. And I want to look at things differently this year. I want to look at them through God's eyes. And, I want to look at them through a lens of joy and confidence ( my words for the year).
The thing that weighed so much on me this morning is knowing that we have burned a bridge behind us. It's hugely scary, especially since we haven't found where we are going to land yet.
But, I felt like God said to me, "Do you trust in ___________ or do you trust in me? (I left a blank there because some of this is still too personal and raw to insert specifics. But, you too can fill in that blank with whatever is specific to your life).
We are now in a position where we will need to rely fully and completely on God. There is no Plan B. It is simply to trust Him.
And I suppose the opposite of dread (that feeling that follows me relentlessly and that I feel so often almost as soon as I wake in the morning) is Expectation. Maybe that's what my word should have been for the year. Perhaps the joy and confidence I seek are the result of expectation.
Expectation: A belief that something will happen in the future
In secular culture we are often warned not to set our expectations too high so that we won't be disappointed.
Or expectations are seen as a set of pre-suppositions that can hinder actual growth or relationships. For instance, if we go into a marriage with expectations of what the other person should do or should be like, it can actually hurt the relationship.
But, it's also a word that is used a lot in our church recently....in a totally different context. Expectation is seen as looking ahead, looking forward to God's goodness - knowing there are things in store for His people...... expecting to see Him work in and through our situations.
And, as I looked up the definition of expectation online I came across the 'archaic' definition, which is "one's prospect of inheritance".
Yes! Now put that into spiritual terms. We look ahead to , we long for our spiritual inheritance. This is the object of our expectation.
And, how can I infuse expectation into my daily life? I'm not sure. But, I'm going to ask God to give me a spirit of expectation.
Perhaps one of those ways is to rewire our neural pathways (This was mentioned in Sunday's sermon at church). My pathways have been so trained to go directly to negative thinking. It's become a lifestyle for me.
In fact, this morning when I woke up I immediately felt the heaviness of that negative thinking.
But, by sitting down and fleshing out those thoughts in written form and reminding myself of what God is saying, I am strengthening new pathways.
Pathways to Expectation, Joy, and Confidence.
Monday, December 31, 2018
A Year in Review and Looking Ahead
What was your word for 2018 and what is your word for the coming year?
My word for 2018 was 'Stronger'. I began the year feeling as though I was on the path to being physically fit. And, I believed that the word 'Stronger' was going to reflect a growing physical strength (and mental strength as well).
As it turns out, 2018 was a year that put me face to face with my weaknesses. I fell off the bandwagon of physical fitness & gained back all the weight I'd worked to lose.
2018 was also a year of battling extreme mood swings - courtesy of peri-menopause and stress.
2018 was a year that I acknowledged that it was time to let go of some things as well. I hung up my hat as coordinator of a vintage market I'd done for the last 5 years.
Also my husband and I made a pretty radical decision regarding his work...resulting in him leaving his job of the last 18 years at a family business. It was a hard and painful decision...one that we may be feeling the repercussions from for a long time. And, that has gutted me, left me feeling very vulnerable and tentative.
Despite all this....facing my weaknesses was actually a good thing.
I was reminded that I can not grow stronger in my own strength. Willpower isn't enough. Determination isn't enough.
And, I've been forced to come face to face with why some things - lack of self-control in eating and over my emotions, fear, anxiety, need for control, and a tendency toward negative thinking - have become patterns in my life.
I don't have all the answers to getting victory in these areas. But, I know our entire life is a work in progress as God shapes us and molds us into who He has called us to be.
I hold fast to 2 Corinthians 12: 9 - 11. " “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. 10 That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
So, in retrospect, I do believe the word 'Stronger' was appropriate for 2018 as I looked my weaknesses in the eye and came to rely more fully on the One who is my strength.
So, what is my word for 2019? I actually have two.
The first is 'Joy'. Somewhere along the way I have lost my joy. I've allowed circumstances and disappointments, and the mundane to weigh me down to the point where sometimes I dread the day as soon as I wake up. This is not how I want to live.
I want to rediscover laughter and hope and that feeling of expectation as I look to what's ahead.
The second is 'Confidence'. This is an area in which I have always struggled. And, I have allowed my lack of confidence to hold me back, to paralyze me.
In fact, I wasn't sure if 'confidence' was actually the right word because I see 2019 as being a year of Doing, of making things happen.
I no longer want to sit back and wait for approval or the opinions of others before I move forward or choose to DO something.
Yes, there are situations in life that will require the wise counsel of others, but I don't want to base all my decisions in life on what others will think. I want to be confident in the words I speak and the choices I make.
So there you have it....my words for 2019. Let's face this New Year with great expectation!
Tuesday, December 25, 2018
What Do I Have to Offer?
What do I have to offer?
At the age of 48....no longer a fresh young thing.
No longer confident or strong.
Weak in my failings and my lack of motivation.
Overweight. Brain under stimulated.
No idea what to do or how to do it.
The things I love and enjoy do not make money
At least not enough to garner respect.
I sometimes think I should be harder.
More ruthless.
Or at least more assertive....self assured.
I've always wanted to be special.
Special in some way that others recognized as well.
Don't we all love a superhero.
I want to be super at something.
Once I thought that was my ability with children.
Having my own humbled me.
Not as talented as I once thought I was.
But, I still felt as though I was finally fulfilling my purpose in some way.
Is there more?
More purpose?
Do I have more to offer?
Or am I done?
At our church they are often talking about destinies.
Our God ordained destinies.
Discovering our destiny.
And, it sometimes seems they are speaking to the young.
They are the ones with destiny.
What about us middle aged souls?
Do we still have destiny to discover?
Or are we a day late and a dollar short?
What if....
What if the things I longed for (a bigger house, more recognition as a writer... as a person, more standing in this world, more money, more fun, more....)
What if God is saying 'no' to those things and 'yes' to something I can't yet see.....something I can't understand.
What if God wants me to surrender my dreams.
All of it.
What if what I have to offer is my heart.
What if.
What if just offering God the little I have to give was enough.
What if my destiny is being small
Small for the glory of God.
I must become less. He becomes more.
John said that.
And, I guess so do we all.
We are less
He is more.
It's so counter intuitive.
It goes against the grain of the American dream.
Work hard. Strive. And, strive some more.
Not that working hard is bad.
But, when we do it to fulfill ourselves...
we fill a bottomless pit,
impossible to satisfy.
But when we do it to serve God,
nothing is too small to bring glory to Him.
Our meager offerings,
our widow's mite
become a treasure
countless as the stars.
More brilliant, more enticing, more satisfying
than we can imagine.
What do I have to offer?
Not much.
But, it is His.
At the age of 48....no longer a fresh young thing.
No longer confident or strong.
Weak in my failings and my lack of motivation.
Overweight. Brain under stimulated.
No idea what to do or how to do it.
The things I love and enjoy do not make money
At least not enough to garner respect.
I sometimes think I should be harder.
More ruthless.
Or at least more assertive....self assured.
I've always wanted to be special.
Special in some way that others recognized as well.
Don't we all love a superhero.
I want to be super at something.
Once I thought that was my ability with children.
Having my own humbled me.
Not as talented as I once thought I was.
But, I still felt as though I was finally fulfilling my purpose in some way.
Is there more?
More purpose?
Do I have more to offer?
Or am I done?
At our church they are often talking about destinies.
Our God ordained destinies.
Discovering our destiny.
And, it sometimes seems they are speaking to the young.
They are the ones with destiny.
What about us middle aged souls?
Do we still have destiny to discover?
Or are we a day late and a dollar short?
What if....
What if the things I longed for (a bigger house, more recognition as a writer... as a person, more standing in this world, more money, more fun, more....)
What if God is saying 'no' to those things and 'yes' to something I can't yet see.....something I can't understand.
What if God wants me to surrender my dreams.
All of it.
What if what I have to offer is my heart.
What if.
What if just offering God the little I have to give was enough.
What if my destiny is being small
Small for the glory of God.
I must become less. He becomes more.
John said that.
And, I guess so do we all.
We are less
He is more.
It's so counter intuitive.
It goes against the grain of the American dream.
Work hard. Strive. And, strive some more.
Not that working hard is bad.
But, when we do it to fulfill ourselves...
we fill a bottomless pit,
impossible to satisfy.
But when we do it to serve God,
nothing is too small to bring glory to Him.
Our meager offerings,
our widow's mite
become a treasure
countless as the stars.
More brilliant, more enticing, more satisfying
than we can imagine.
What do I have to offer?
Not much.
But, it is His.
Sunday, December 23, 2018
Silent Night
I feel so guilty for saying it, but I came away disappointed from the service. There was obviously so much time and effort and thought that went into the evening. There was music and dance and videos and speakers and lights and....many people sacrificed a lot of time to plan and present the evening.
But, it felt like a production.
And, that wasn't what I was craving tonight. I was craving something quiet, reverent, peaceful, reflective.
To me Christmas is a time to shut out the noise and chaos of the world and of all the things that weigh on us. It's a time to be still and remember that God came to us in the midst of the ordinary. It's a time to remember when the glory of God was wrapped in the flesh of an infant. To remember the tenderness and gentleness of a Savior who would come to us in the most vulnerable way possible.
And, I guess when I think of a Christmas Eve service, I think of voices raised in harmony (voices that we can hear above the roar of instruments, above the roar of this world) and soft lights flickering in the stillness. I think of a weary world that falls on its knees in adoration and awe. I think of calm and the perfect peace that the Prince of Peace brings to us.
Monday, December 10, 2018
Serving
Sometimes serving God looks like sitting and praying even when the rooms seems empty.
Sometimes serving God looks like a smile at a stranger or a sincere thank you to the person checking you out at the grocery store.
Sometimes serving God looks like folding laundry and putting away the dishes.
Sometimes serving God is encouraging someone else when you yourself desperately need encouragement.
Sometimes serving God is looking at the beauty of the sky and all creation and really SEEING it...with a grateful and awestruck heart.
Sometimes serving God is taking that next breath, moving that next step, facing that next day trusting in His faithfulness and His promise to always be near.
Sometimes serving God is choosing a gentle response when a harsh answer is what comes to mind.
Sometimes serving God is examining our own heart and recognizing our need for His.
Sometimes serving God is messy or mundane or hard. Sometimes it seems ridiculous or doesn't seem to make any difference. Sometimes.
But always He sees. Always He knows. Always He is here
Always.
Thursday, November 1, 2018
What Is True?
My last post was a bit depressing. I was in a dark place for a few days after what seemed like tragedy after tragedy.
And I think it's ok to allow ourselves some time to experience those emotions and questions that come with them. It takes time to process and wrestle and dig deep.
But, I knew I couldn't stay there. I was just having a hard time pulling myself out of it. And, as I wrote in my last post, all I could do was trust. Trust God that He still held us all tenderly in His hand.
Sometimes when I find myself in a place of despair and utter helplessness, I'm also unable to pray with any real clarity or eloquence. And I just repeat the words, "I trust You.", even as I'm waiting for my heart to catch up with the words.
My friend Joy's husband said something the other night when they stopped to visit that helped to shift my perspective from darkness to light. (Joy is my friend who suddenly lost her father last week).
Joy & Derrick and their children were out of town when they got the news about Joy's Dad. They were in the midst of doing a show with many other vendors. They told us about how both other vendors they knew and strangers alike came together to support them, offer them help, do little things to make their day easier. They were far from home, but people - some they didn't even know well or at all - wrapped them in love.
They also talked about how they could physically feel the prayers of family and friends surrounding them. And how the peace that passes all understanding graciously settled on them in this incredibly difficult time.
But, here's what Derrick said that really shifted the tide for me. He said (and I'm paraphrasing/ adding my own interpretation a bit), that we read in the newspaper all the time about anger and hate and war and the terrible things that people do to each other. If we were to believe the news we would believe that's all there is, that the world is full of hate.
But, he went on to say, that's not the truth. The truth is there is so much goodness and love out there. When the rubber meets the road, people come together and pour into each other. The truth is love.
Now I know that this concept that good still outweighs evil in this world is one we've heard before. But something about darkness not being the truth really resonated with me.
When I've been confused or feeling hopeless, this concept of focusing on what is True keeps coming back at me.
Darkness and death and hopelessness and despair and fear and anger all come from the father of lies.
But, the Author of Life writes the Truth on our hearts. And the Truth is Light, Life, Hope, Joy, Peace. Love.
The enemy would love nothing more than for us to believe his lies. But, as believers, the Spirit of Truth lives inside us. The light cannot be hidden.
So, after several days of wrestling through the darkness, I am reminded and challenged to ask myself, "But what is True?"
And now the Truth is what I will choose to focus on.
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
And I think it's ok to allow ourselves some time to experience those emotions and questions that come with them. It takes time to process and wrestle and dig deep.
But, I knew I couldn't stay there. I was just having a hard time pulling myself out of it. And, as I wrote in my last post, all I could do was trust. Trust God that He still held us all tenderly in His hand.
Sometimes when I find myself in a place of despair and utter helplessness, I'm also unable to pray with any real clarity or eloquence. And I just repeat the words, "I trust You.", even as I'm waiting for my heart to catch up with the words.
My friend Joy's husband said something the other night when they stopped to visit that helped to shift my perspective from darkness to light. (Joy is my friend who suddenly lost her father last week).
Joy & Derrick and their children were out of town when they got the news about Joy's Dad. They were in the midst of doing a show with many other vendors. They told us about how both other vendors they knew and strangers alike came together to support them, offer them help, do little things to make their day easier. They were far from home, but people - some they didn't even know well or at all - wrapped them in love.
They also talked about how they could physically feel the prayers of family and friends surrounding them. And how the peace that passes all understanding graciously settled on them in this incredibly difficult time.
But, here's what Derrick said that really shifted the tide for me. He said (and I'm paraphrasing/ adding my own interpretation a bit), that we read in the newspaper all the time about anger and hate and war and the terrible things that people do to each other. If we were to believe the news we would believe that's all there is, that the world is full of hate.
But, he went on to say, that's not the truth. The truth is there is so much goodness and love out there. When the rubber meets the road, people come together and pour into each other. The truth is love.
Now I know that this concept that good still outweighs evil in this world is one we've heard before. But something about darkness not being the truth really resonated with me.
When I've been confused or feeling hopeless, this concept of focusing on what is True keeps coming back at me.
Darkness and death and hopelessness and despair and fear and anger all come from the father of lies.
But, the Author of Life writes the Truth on our hearts. And the Truth is Light, Life, Hope, Joy, Peace. Love.
The enemy would love nothing more than for us to believe his lies. But, as believers, the Spirit of Truth lives inside us. The light cannot be hidden.
So, after several days of wrestling through the darkness, I am reminded and challenged to ask myself, "But what is True?"
And now the Truth is what I will choose to focus on.
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
Monday, October 29, 2018
When It's All Too Much
It seems I only get on here anymore to write when I've got something weighing heavy on my mind and my heart.
Today there is so much weighing on me. It's been an emotional couple of months and this past week was even more emotional.
My husband and I have been praying and praying...for years actually...about where God wants us. We kept feeling that God was leading us into some sort of change. And, over the last several months that has really intensified.
We thought God had given us a certain direction. But this week we hit such a roadblock that we questioned whether we had really been hearing God at all or if we totally misunderstood him.
That was enough to knock me back pretty hard. This question of whether or not I can hear God...and hear him clearly has been pummeling me over and over.
Another area that has had me questioning this is that our church is currently in the middle of a very large building project. When the project was presented before the church and the eventual vote took place...John and I felt very strongly that this was not the best way to use the resources God had given our church.
We thought they would be better used directly in the community for outreach or in planting new churches. But we were in the minority....the very small minority. 96% of the church voted in favor of the project.
And, it came like a blow to me that in all the prayer and seeking God that I did, I heard something totally different than everyone else.
These two issues alone - wrestling with whether or not we truly heard from God in our church life and our personal life has been wearing me down.
But, then this week hit. First, it was the roadblock I mentioned. Then we got the sudden, tragic news that the father of a close friend of ours died in a farming accident. He was such a sweet man and felt like extended family to us that it came as a serious blow.
That same day an apartment complex in our community burned displacing 14 residents - 5 of whom were adults with mental delays.
The next day there was a horrific multi car crash involving an erratic driver (cause still not known - may have been a medical emergency). One of the cars that was hit had 3 local high school students in it...all severely injured. One passed away at the hospital later that afternoon as they were trying to save his life during surgery. Another girl passed away early Sunday morning. The third boy appears to be recovering....although he doesn't remember what happened and doesn't know that his friends are gone.
It has completely rocked our community.
And then also the news of the shooting in Pittsburgh where 11 innocent people....members of a Jewish synagogue were killed during their Shabbat services by a man filled with blind hatred.
And, it's too much. It's too much all at once. I can't even think or feel clearly right now. While the tragedy that struck closest to home involves my friend's father, they have all affected me deeply.
It also makes me think of how this is still just a small sample of the suffering of humanity worldwide. The number of tragedies that happen across this globe in just a day is staggering. The number of people who are mourning, grieving, and in emotional turmoil is beyond the scope of what I can ever understand.
And God feels far away right now.
We sang a song in church on Sunday...and I don't remember singing it before or hearing it before. I looked it up just now because the lyrics were so appropriate.
"Do It Again"
Today there is so much weighing on me. It's been an emotional couple of months and this past week was even more emotional.
My husband and I have been praying and praying...for years actually...about where God wants us. We kept feeling that God was leading us into some sort of change. And, over the last several months that has really intensified.
We thought God had given us a certain direction. But this week we hit such a roadblock that we questioned whether we had really been hearing God at all or if we totally misunderstood him.
That was enough to knock me back pretty hard. This question of whether or not I can hear God...and hear him clearly has been pummeling me over and over.
Another area that has had me questioning this is that our church is currently in the middle of a very large building project. When the project was presented before the church and the eventual vote took place...John and I felt very strongly that this was not the best way to use the resources God had given our church.
We thought they would be better used directly in the community for outreach or in planting new churches. But we were in the minority....the very small minority. 96% of the church voted in favor of the project.
And, it came like a blow to me that in all the prayer and seeking God that I did, I heard something totally different than everyone else.
These two issues alone - wrestling with whether or not we truly heard from God in our church life and our personal life has been wearing me down.
But, then this week hit. First, it was the roadblock I mentioned. Then we got the sudden, tragic news that the father of a close friend of ours died in a farming accident. He was such a sweet man and felt like extended family to us that it came as a serious blow.
That same day an apartment complex in our community burned displacing 14 residents - 5 of whom were adults with mental delays.
The next day there was a horrific multi car crash involving an erratic driver (cause still not known - may have been a medical emergency). One of the cars that was hit had 3 local high school students in it...all severely injured. One passed away at the hospital later that afternoon as they were trying to save his life during surgery. Another girl passed away early Sunday morning. The third boy appears to be recovering....although he doesn't remember what happened and doesn't know that his friends are gone.
It has completely rocked our community.
And then also the news of the shooting in Pittsburgh where 11 innocent people....members of a Jewish synagogue were killed during their Shabbat services by a man filled with blind hatred.
And, it's too much. It's too much all at once. I can't even think or feel clearly right now. While the tragedy that struck closest to home involves my friend's father, they have all affected me deeply.
It also makes me think of how this is still just a small sample of the suffering of humanity worldwide. The number of tragedies that happen across this globe in just a day is staggering. The number of people who are mourning, grieving, and in emotional turmoil is beyond the scope of what I can ever understand.
And God feels far away right now.
We sang a song in church on Sunday...and I don't remember singing it before or hearing it before. I looked it up just now because the lyrics were so appropriate.
"Do It Again"
Walking around these walls
I thought by now they'd fall
But You have never failed me yet
Waiting for change to come
Knowing the battle's won
For You have never failed me yet
I thought by now they'd fall
But You have never failed me yet
Waiting for change to come
Knowing the battle's won
For You have never failed me yet
Your promise still stands
Great is Your faithfulness, faithfulness
I'm still in Your hands
This is my confidence, You've never failed me yet
Great is Your faithfulness, faithfulness
I'm still in Your hands
This is my confidence, You've never failed me yet
I know the night won't last
Your Word will come to pass
My heart will sing Your praise again
Jesus, You're still enough
Keep me within Your love
My heart will sing Your praise again
Your Word will come to pass
My heart will sing Your praise again
Jesus, You're still enough
Keep me within Your love
My heart will sing Your praise again
Your promise still stands
Great is Your faithfulness, faithfulness
I'm still in Your hands
This is my confidence, You never failed me yet.
Great is Your faithfulness, faithfulness
I'm still in Your hands
This is my confidence, You never failed me yet.
I've seen You move, come move the mountains
And I believe, I'll see You do it again
You made a way, where there was no way
And I believe, I'll see You do it again
And I believe, I'll see You do it again
You made a way, where there was no way
And I believe, I'll see You do it again
I sang the words, but my heart is struggling to believe the truths in them.
But, what else can I do?
I can't give in to despair and fear.
I have to believe....I DO believe that God still holds us tenderly in his hand.
The darkness tries to hide the light.
Oh and how it sometimes seems to succeed.
At times like this all I can do is trust.
I don't understand. I don't.
But, I will trust.
But, what else can I do?
I can't give in to despair and fear.
I have to believe....I DO believe that God still holds us tenderly in his hand.
The darkness tries to hide the light.
Oh and how it sometimes seems to succeed.
At times like this all I can do is trust.
I don't understand. I don't.
But, I will trust.
Tuesday, July 24, 2018
What Does It Mean to Follow Jesus?
What does it mean in our daily life?
What does it mean in our finances? in our relationships? in our jobs? in our business dealings? in our relationships with other Christians?
What does it mean?
Like really mean?
Oh my goodness. One hundred pat answers come to mind.
Forget all that!
What does it MEAN to lay everything we love and cherish and desire aside to follow HIM.
What does that mean?
Will we always be happy? Will we always be comfortable? Will we always be secure?
What does His Faithfulness, His Power, His Mercy, His Love look like?
Does it look like rich pastors flying in jets?
Or does it look like something else?
Does it look like messy, gritty, grimy stuff?
Does it sometimes look like pain? and doubt? and struggle?
Does following Jesus mean we are exempt from the weariness of this world?
Or does it mean that we are prime targets?
Jesus sure garnered praise until he garnered death.
Why are we so selfish?/
Why are we so convinced it's all about us?
Oh, hear me. I KNOW He loves me. He gave SO much for me.
But was it so that I could be comfortable, untouchable? Or was it so I could let others know how deeply THEY are loved as well?
What is my role?
Doesn't it tie intrinsically into what it means to follow Jesus?
Who were His followers when he was here on earth? They didn't have much.
And yet. And yet! He used them to advance the Kingdom of God
What does it mean to follow Jesus?
Dear Jesus, I want to know!
Thursday, July 19, 2018
Weight
How do I put into words the things that are weighing me down?
Time. Time moves so fast. The children grow. We continue to age. Large blocks of time that we thought would yield certain results become a distant memory faster than we can breathe.
I feel surrounded by chaos. I crave simplicity. Peace. Quiet.
I crave special moments with my children. A house the exudes restfullness.
I don’t want to be cranky, easily irritated. I want to be present. I want to be effective. I want to be important.
I want my thoughts, my ideas, my contributions to matter.
I feel like money is the societal measure of success & worth. If that’s the case, then my worth is minimal. What I do, what I contribute to this world doesn’t involve making large amounts of money.
It involves refereeing a thousand arguments and angry words - while trying to reign in my own anger. Hoping, hoping that in my own frailty & failures I’m cultivating spirits of compassion within my children. That I will raise men who care, who love, who share themselves wholeheartedly.
But, sometimes it just feels like picking up trash that’s carelessly tossed aside, wiping countless smudges of peanut butter, shutting endless cupboard doors left hanging open…..always looking around at the clutter surrounding me knowing it’s not my own, yet knowing somehow it reflects on me. My failure to teach, to guide, to model.
I feel unable to gain my footing. Change comes at me faster & faster. Changes as my family grows. Changes in the world around me. Changes in the physical landscape of my community. And, each change knocks me a bit. I feel buffeted continuously with change.
So yeah, things weigh on me. Things I can hardly even put into words. It takes the creative to understand the creative. So, my vague words make no sense to the ones who surround me….the practical, logical, functional ones.
But perhaps my words resonate with a few.
I feel surrounded by chaos. I crave simplicity. Peace. Quiet.
I crave special moments with my children. A house the exudes restfullness.
I don’t want to be cranky, easily irritated. I want to be present. I want to be effective. I want to be important.
I want my thoughts, my ideas, my contributions to matter.
I feel like money is the societal measure of success & worth. If that’s the case, then my worth is minimal. What I do, what I contribute to this world doesn’t involve making large amounts of money.
It involves refereeing a thousand arguments and angry words - while trying to reign in my own anger. Hoping, hoping that in my own frailty & failures I’m cultivating spirits of compassion within my children. That I will raise men who care, who love, who share themselves wholeheartedly.
But, sometimes it just feels like picking up trash that’s carelessly tossed aside, wiping countless smudges of peanut butter, shutting endless cupboard doors left hanging open…..always looking around at the clutter surrounding me knowing it’s not my own, yet knowing somehow it reflects on me. My failure to teach, to guide, to model.
I feel unable to gain my footing. Change comes at me faster & faster. Changes as my family grows. Changes in the world around me. Changes in the physical landscape of my community. And, each change knocks me a bit. I feel buffeted continuously with change.
So yeah, things weigh on me. Things I can hardly even put into words. It takes the creative to understand the creative. So, my vague words make no sense to the ones who surround me….the practical, logical, functional ones.
But perhaps my words resonate with a few.
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