Life has dealt us some blows lately...some big, some small. The cumulative effect is that I've been feeling very bruised and battered...tired, lacking in hope. My heart feels particularly vulnerable right now.
I sat down this morning to journal. And, I started to list the attributes and character of God....the things I felt so desperately in need of. Tentatively I began. He is...
Gentle
Tender
Gracious
And as I started writing them, more came to mind....
Forgiving
Faithful
Loving
Merciful
Then, I became hungry for them...these words that remind me who He is. I pulled out my Bible and I began listing as many as I could
Slow to Anger
Powerful
Unchanging
Provider
Protector
Perfecter
Peace Giver
And from there, the list grew and grew. Each word/ characteristic a balm to my soul.
Mighty
Healer
Majestic
One Who Sees
All Knowing
Invincible
Joy Giver
Hope Giver
Fulfiller of Promises
Kind
Just
Glorious
Fair
Everlasting
Ever Present
Encourager
Divine
Deliverer
Creator
Counselor
Covenant Maker
Compassionate
Comforter
Caring
Burden Bearer
Beautiful
Able
And, I could have gone on. This only scratches the surface.
When I remind myself of who He is my soul is soothed. And, I know I can trust him with this bruised heart of mine.
Wednesday, February 24, 2021
Who He Is
Monday, February 15, 2021
Live
This morning I was scrolling through Facebook until I was stopped in my tracks. There was a new Caring Bridge update for an old friend who was battling cancer. Something told me this did not bode well. There was just an update the night before saying she had been admitted to the hospital with a lot of pain.
Even though I half knew what to expect, when I opened the update and saw that she had passed it was a gut punch.
She had been fighting so hard. She was believing for a miracle, for her complete healing.
She had just celebrated completing her radiation a couple weeks ago...and then celebrated her 50th birthday about a week ago.
She wanted to live.
I remember reading a post she recently made in which she described how she was looking ahead to seeing her boys graduate, get married, and have babies. She pictured herself years down the road holding her grandchildren on her lap.
Cancer has stolen so much from so many.
And, I'm remembering how just last week, I was in such a dark place because of some of the things we are struggling with as a family. Depression and despair were winning the battle in my mind again. The thought passed through my head that it might just be better if I would die.
I am so ashamed that I ever let that thought pass through my head. That I would allow the darkness that kind of power over my thoughts, my emotions, my life.
And, while I was thinking something so awful about my own life, Sherry was fighting for hers.
She was so positive, so joyful...even in the midst of pain.
I don't know what to do with the swirl of emotions I am feeling right now. I don't want to just survive this life I've been blessed with. I want to thrive. I want to find my joy again. I want others to see my love for Jesus the same way others saw it in Sherry.
I know I can't do it on my own. I can't just will it to be. I need the power of the Holy Spirit to move in my life.
I don't want to take this life for granted.
I want to live.
Friday, February 21, 2020
Thomas
Sometimes when we read the Bible we are tempted to read it on a very surface level. The people described in it can seem very one dimensional instead of coming across to us as the living, breathing, flesh and blood people that they were.
But, if we read the Bible....really read it, we find clues to who these people were, how they felt, what their motivations were, and how God profoundly impacted them.
One of those people is Thomas. One of the 12 disciples, I've often felt that Thomas has been unfairly characterized as 'Doubting Thomas'. We know the story. The disciples were all in the upper room - hiding in terror after the death of their friend and their leader. Thomas wasn't there at the moment. We aren't sure where he was. Perhaps he had carefully ventured out to find food and supplies, or to see what the word/ mood on the street was.
Regardless of where he was, he missed something amazing. He missed seeing Jesus appear in that room. The resurrected Jesus. The Jesus they loved and had dedicated their lives to following. The Jesus that was everything they had pinned their hopes on. The Jesus they had watched die. And, who now stood in front of them - a light shining again in a place that had been very dark indeed.
And when Thomas returned, he couldn't believe what they were saying to him. Remember, each of these men had been deeply traumatized. They didn't see the same picture we now see. They were real people living in very dangerous times. And, they thought that Jesus' role as Messiah would look very different than what we now know the Messiah would be. They thought that the Messiah would conquer a temporary, earthly government. We now know the Messiah would be so much more.
So, when I read the words Thomas said, "Unless I see the nail marks in his hand and put my fingers where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe it." I feel his pain.
Oh Thomas. Your words resonate with me. How often have I been profoundly disappointed, discouraged, or in abject despair and my heart feels those same sentiments. I need to see you God. I need to see how you are in this, how this can be for my good. I don't see it Lord. And, if I can't see it, I can't believe it. I need some sign.
Doubting Thomas? If that name fits, then it fits us all.
There's another place that Thomas is mentioned in scripture that paints a very different picture of Thomas. They had just gotten word that Lazarus was sick. Jesus and the disciples remained where they were for two more days before Jesus said, "Let us go back to Judea".
The disciples tried to remind of him of the danger in returning to Judea....where Lazarus was...but where the Jews also wanted to kill him. There's an exchange that takes place that results in Jesus telling them clearly, "Lazarus is dead, and for your sake I am glad I was not there, so that you may believe. But let us go to him."
And here is where we see another side of Thomas. He says to the other disciples "Let us also go, that we may die with him."
Does that sound like a doubter? like a coward? Here is a man who was ready and willing to go die with his friend. (And, like every disciple except John, he would someday die for the sake of the gospel).
He sounds completely and utterly devoted to his Lord.
And that's how I see Thomas. How I see all the disciples actually. These were men who gave up everything to follow Jesus - their homes, their families, their livelihoods. They believed him and they trusted him. They might not have understood at the time what it would look like, but they knew Jesus was the Messiah. They staked their lives on it.
Then, everything shattered. Jesus was brutally killed. All their hopes died with him. They themselves were hunted. And, in the midst of that trauma, they hid.
So, let's go back to that room. That room where Jesus appeared ALIVE and Thomas missed it. That room where a broken, distraught Thomas declared that he needed to see to believe. And, that room where Jesus graciously appeared again and said "Here Thomas. Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe." I don't picture Jesus saying this in a scolding tone. I picture Jesus lovingly meeting Thomas' deepest need and healing his bruised soul.
And, Thomas replied "My Lord and my God!"
I can almost picture it. I can almost see Thomas collapsing to his knees in relief and joy and allowing the amazement of seeing Jesus wash over all the pain and fear of the previous week.
I'm reminded of one time that I truly thought I had lost my youngest son while we were at the grocery store. For 20 anguishing minutes I didn't know where he was. I was ready to call the police, convinced that my child had been taken. In horror I was imagining all sorts of awful scenarios. I decided to check our vehicle one more time before making the call....hoping that he had gone there....while also painfully aware that if my worst fears were true then time was of the essence. My other son had already checked the van once. I was feeling completely hopeless and absolutely terrified. When I slid open the van door and my son was sitting there in his seat, I collapsed in tears....so so relieved.
And, that's kind of how I picture Thomas in that moment.
This is why I love God's Word so much. When we read it....really read it....we see the beautiful ways that God reaches out to each of us in our human frailty. He revealed Himself to flesh and blood men and women just like us. People with lives and stories and personalities and struggles and failings and nuances of character....people just like us.
And, He continues to meet us right where we need him.
But, if we read the Bible....really read it, we find clues to who these people were, how they felt, what their motivations were, and how God profoundly impacted them.
One of those people is Thomas. One of the 12 disciples, I've often felt that Thomas has been unfairly characterized as 'Doubting Thomas'. We know the story. The disciples were all in the upper room - hiding in terror after the death of their friend and their leader. Thomas wasn't there at the moment. We aren't sure where he was. Perhaps he had carefully ventured out to find food and supplies, or to see what the word/ mood on the street was.
Regardless of where he was, he missed something amazing. He missed seeing Jesus appear in that room. The resurrected Jesus. The Jesus they loved and had dedicated their lives to following. The Jesus that was everything they had pinned their hopes on. The Jesus they had watched die. And, who now stood in front of them - a light shining again in a place that had been very dark indeed.
And when Thomas returned, he couldn't believe what they were saying to him. Remember, each of these men had been deeply traumatized. They didn't see the same picture we now see. They were real people living in very dangerous times. And, they thought that Jesus' role as Messiah would look very different than what we now know the Messiah would be. They thought that the Messiah would conquer a temporary, earthly government. We now know the Messiah would be so much more.
So, when I read the words Thomas said, "Unless I see the nail marks in his hand and put my fingers where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe it." I feel his pain.
Oh Thomas. Your words resonate with me. How often have I been profoundly disappointed, discouraged, or in abject despair and my heart feels those same sentiments. I need to see you God. I need to see how you are in this, how this can be for my good. I don't see it Lord. And, if I can't see it, I can't believe it. I need some sign.
Doubting Thomas? If that name fits, then it fits us all.
There's another place that Thomas is mentioned in scripture that paints a very different picture of Thomas. They had just gotten word that Lazarus was sick. Jesus and the disciples remained where they were for two more days before Jesus said, "Let us go back to Judea".
The disciples tried to remind of him of the danger in returning to Judea....where Lazarus was...but where the Jews also wanted to kill him. There's an exchange that takes place that results in Jesus telling them clearly, "Lazarus is dead, and for your sake I am glad I was not there, so that you may believe. But let us go to him."
And here is where we see another side of Thomas. He says to the other disciples "Let us also go, that we may die with him."
Does that sound like a doubter? like a coward? Here is a man who was ready and willing to go die with his friend. (And, like every disciple except John, he would someday die for the sake of the gospel).
He sounds completely and utterly devoted to his Lord.
And that's how I see Thomas. How I see all the disciples actually. These were men who gave up everything to follow Jesus - their homes, their families, their livelihoods. They believed him and they trusted him. They might not have understood at the time what it would look like, but they knew Jesus was the Messiah. They staked their lives on it.
Then, everything shattered. Jesus was brutally killed. All their hopes died with him. They themselves were hunted. And, in the midst of that trauma, they hid.
So, let's go back to that room. That room where Jesus appeared ALIVE and Thomas missed it. That room where a broken, distraught Thomas declared that he needed to see to believe. And, that room where Jesus graciously appeared again and said "Here Thomas. Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe." I don't picture Jesus saying this in a scolding tone. I picture Jesus lovingly meeting Thomas' deepest need and healing his bruised soul.
And, Thomas replied "My Lord and my God!"
I can almost picture it. I can almost see Thomas collapsing to his knees in relief and joy and allowing the amazement of seeing Jesus wash over all the pain and fear of the previous week.
I'm reminded of one time that I truly thought I had lost my youngest son while we were at the grocery store. For 20 anguishing minutes I didn't know where he was. I was ready to call the police, convinced that my child had been taken. In horror I was imagining all sorts of awful scenarios. I decided to check our vehicle one more time before making the call....hoping that he had gone there....while also painfully aware that if my worst fears were true then time was of the essence. My other son had already checked the van once. I was feeling completely hopeless and absolutely terrified. When I slid open the van door and my son was sitting there in his seat, I collapsed in tears....so so relieved.
And, that's kind of how I picture Thomas in that moment.
This is why I love God's Word so much. When we read it....really read it....we see the beautiful ways that God reaches out to each of us in our human frailty. He revealed Himself to flesh and blood men and women just like us. People with lives and stories and personalities and struggles and failings and nuances of character....people just like us.
And, He continues to meet us right where we need him.
Thursday, January 16, 2020
Fresh Hope
At the beginning of the year I came across something on Facebook. It was a 5 day challenge to jump-start some healthy habits. Usually I don't pay much attention to those kinds of sponsored posts. But something about this one seemed different. And I gave the 5-day challenge a try.
The same online community actually offers a paid course that you can take. I felt so good after the 5-day challenge that I decided to join that course.
I haven't said anything to anyone about this until now. I just shared this same thing with a group of friends who try to keep one another accountable. I've started and stopped a million times before at efforts to become healthier. I wanted to make sure this was different.
But I am really enjoying this course / program.
✨ First of all, it takes a holistic approach.... Addressing body, mind, and spirit. It's a community of Christian women. It stresses how desperately we need to rely on God for all things... including our health.
✨The next thing I like is that the leader stresses taking baby steps... Slowly establishing healthier habits in your life.
✨ Also, she is incredibly encouraging. At first, watching her videos, I thought she was a little too perky. Lol. But the more I watch and interact on the group, I believe she is the real deal and that her positive approach is genuine.
✨ I'm learning not to beat myself up for perceived failure. She said in one video that if we're doing even 1% better than we were before, we're making improvement. I don't know why, but that really stuck with me. I tend to have an all-or-nothing approach to getting healthy. And this program is really helping me to dismantle that mindset.
✨ She doesn't focus on the scale. In fact she encourages people to put their scales away and if necessary to throw them away. At the most we should only be doing monthly weigh-ins. She does encourage taking measurements and checking those every two weeks because they are a better gauge of how you are progressing. I have been a slave to the scale where if I don't see it moving or I don't see it moving fast enough, or heaven forbid if I see it go up, I become incredibly discouraged. This is a hard one to break away from but it's also incredibly freeing.
✨It's not restrictive. No counting calories, carbs, etc etc. This is also incredibly freeing. She stresses adding in healthier options and slowly crowding out the less healthy options
✨There's a community of women that I can interact with who are all going through the same program.... All at different stages. The ones who have been with it for a while are incredibly encouraging to the newer members
✨ I've been working on this since the beginning of the year. I don't see a ton of noticeable physical changes yet. But I feel better....much better actually. My clothes don't feel as tight. And for the first time in a long time I feel HOPE. Hope that I truly can make lasting changes.
I'll keep you posted. I'm praying that God strengthens me to be a good steward of the body he has given me.
The same online community actually offers a paid course that you can take. I felt so good after the 5-day challenge that I decided to join that course.
I haven't said anything to anyone about this until now. I just shared this same thing with a group of friends who try to keep one another accountable. I've started and stopped a million times before at efforts to become healthier. I wanted to make sure this was different.
But I am really enjoying this course / program.
✨ First of all, it takes a holistic approach.... Addressing body, mind, and spirit. It's a community of Christian women. It stresses how desperately we need to rely on God for all things... including our health.
✨The next thing I like is that the leader stresses taking baby steps... Slowly establishing healthier habits in your life.
✨ Also, she is incredibly encouraging. At first, watching her videos, I thought she was a little too perky. Lol. But the more I watch and interact on the group, I believe she is the real deal and that her positive approach is genuine.
✨ I'm learning not to beat myself up for perceived failure. She said in one video that if we're doing even 1% better than we were before, we're making improvement. I don't know why, but that really stuck with me. I tend to have an all-or-nothing approach to getting healthy. And this program is really helping me to dismantle that mindset.
✨ She doesn't focus on the scale. In fact she encourages people to put their scales away and if necessary to throw them away. At the most we should only be doing monthly weigh-ins. She does encourage taking measurements and checking those every two weeks because they are a better gauge of how you are progressing. I have been a slave to the scale where if I don't see it moving or I don't see it moving fast enough, or heaven forbid if I see it go up, I become incredibly discouraged. This is a hard one to break away from but it's also incredibly freeing.
✨It's not restrictive. No counting calories, carbs, etc etc. This is also incredibly freeing. She stresses adding in healthier options and slowly crowding out the less healthy options
✨There's a community of women that I can interact with who are all going through the same program.... All at different stages. The ones who have been with it for a while are incredibly encouraging to the newer members
✨ I've been working on this since the beginning of the year. I don't see a ton of noticeable physical changes yet. But I feel better....much better actually. My clothes don't feel as tight. And for the first time in a long time I feel HOPE. Hope that I truly can make lasting changes.
I'll keep you posted. I'm praying that God strengthens me to be a good steward of the body he has given me.
Wednesday, January 1, 2020
An Update and A New Year
I recently looked back at some old posts and realized something pretty momentous. It was ten years ago, in 2010, that I began this blog.
Where was I then? Where was our family then?
Well, there's much that hasn't changed. We still live in the same house, in the same town, in the same school district. Our 'starter home' when we married has been home all these (18) years.
But, my, how our family has grown! Not in numbers.... We had 4 boys then & 4 boys now. But they are so much bigger. Maturing into young men before my very eyes.
Ten years ago I had 4 boys aged 6 and under...one of which was an infant.
Now my two oldest (16 and 14) tower over me. My 12 year old is as tall as me and growing. And, my baby....just turned 10.
Where was I then? Where was our family then?
Well, there's much that hasn't changed. We still live in the same house, in the same town, in the same school district. Our 'starter home' when we married has been home all these (18) years.
But, my, how our family has grown! Not in numbers.... We had 4 boys then & 4 boys now. But they are so much bigger. Maturing into young men before my very eyes.
Ten years ago I had 4 boys aged 6 and under...one of which was an infant.
Now my two oldest (16 and 14) tower over me. My 12 year old is as tall as me and growing. And, my baby....just turned 10.
My dog, Abbey, is almost as gray as my husband and I.
Ten years ago I began a blog because I was knee deep in diapers and sleepless nights, and I needed something that was 'mine', something that helped me find a connection with others, something to do.... to create that would last.
And, how I love looking back at those early posts. Actually I love looking back at all my posts. It's a little window into my thoughts, my experiences, my family. I read those posts and am reminded of things I'd forgotten...things that would have been lost if not recorded here.
My blogging style has changed over the years. At first it was primarily about my family and a recording of our daily lives. It morphed over the years into a place where I could record what God was speaking to me or working out in me.
I've all but abandoned it in recent years. Facebook took over as a place where I could quickly record little tidbits from our lives and where I could find connection.
But, I'm not ready to say goodbye.
This blog is a reminder of the fact that I love to write.....that writing is something that helps keep me sane. I may not ever be a popular blogger or author. But, the words I record have meaning to me....and that is enough.
So, I won't begin the new year with any grandiose plans to return to regular blogging. But, I will pop on here from time to time....and record bits for the me ten years from now who will look back and remember.
And, how I love looking back at those early posts. Actually I love looking back at all my posts. It's a little window into my thoughts, my experiences, my family. I read those posts and am reminded of things I'd forgotten...things that would have been lost if not recorded here.
My blogging style has changed over the years. At first it was primarily about my family and a recording of our daily lives. It morphed over the years into a place where I could record what God was speaking to me or working out in me.
I've all but abandoned it in recent years. Facebook took over as a place where I could quickly record little tidbits from our lives and where I could find connection.
But, I'm not ready to say goodbye.
This blog is a reminder of the fact that I love to write.....that writing is something that helps keep me sane. I may not ever be a popular blogger or author. But, the words I record have meaning to me....and that is enough.
So, I won't begin the new year with any grandiose plans to return to regular blogging. But, I will pop on here from time to time....and record bits for the me ten years from now who will look back and remember.
Monday, December 23, 2019
That Same Old Weight
Today I have a different type of post than I've done in recent years. But I need to begin to record my thoughts somewhere. And to work through this area of my life. It's one of those things I thought I would have victory over long ago. But here I am.
This is what unhappiness looks like. My unhappiness comes out in overeating, over drinking 🍷, not moving enough, and not doing enough. It looks like fat, a cluttered house, and a cluttered foggy mind, and a mom/wife who is always angry and easily irritated. I really don't want to live like this anymore.
I'm not sure what the answer is. I've tried and tried and tried and failed and failed and failed.
I am terrified that I am going to continue to gain weight. Completely out of control. I'm already at my highest ever weight. I'm not even sure what it is because I'm terrified to step on the scale and see. I'm guessing it's somewhere around 225-230.
I can't hardly drag myself up and down my stairs. I get out of breath quickly. My knees and hips and feet hurt. My clothes don't fit. I hate my body.
I turn 50 in 2020. And I want to be different by 50.
I don't even know how to get there.
But here's my first step.
I'm acknowledging that I am this way because I'm unhappy and I'm unhappy because I am this way.
I guess step 2 will be getting to the root of my unhappiness.
And we'll go from there.
I'm not sure what the answer is. I've tried and tried and tried and failed and failed and failed.
I am terrified that I am going to continue to gain weight. Completely out of control. I'm already at my highest ever weight. I'm not even sure what it is because I'm terrified to step on the scale and see. I'm guessing it's somewhere around 225-230.
I can't hardly drag myself up and down my stairs. I get out of breath quickly. My knees and hips and feet hurt. My clothes don't fit. I hate my body.
I turn 50 in 2020. And I want to be different by 50.
I don't even know how to get there.
But here's my first step.
I'm acknowledging that I am this way because I'm unhappy and I'm unhappy because I am this way.
I guess step 2 will be getting to the root of my unhappiness.
And we'll go from there.
Saturday, December 14, 2019
What I Wanted to Say
This morning I was having brunch and a holiday cookie exchange with a group of women that I've known for a long time. We have a dinner group where we try to get together at least once a month at someone's house and eat together. It's been a bit more spaced out in recent years, but we still try to make our get-togethers a semi regular occurrence.
We were sharing updates from our lives today. Going around the table, each of us took a few minutes to share what's happening. Our group in general has had a hard go of it in recent years. A life altering accident, divorce & separations, financial problems, loved ones with addictions, marital problems, health problems, job woes, parenting stress, mental illness....life hasn't been easy for most of our group.
I know that in the midst of all this I've been relatively blessed in my life. My troubles have seemed paltry in comparison to what my friends have been enduring.
But, this morning as we shared with each other I opened up that this has been a really difficult year for me. That my faith and trust in God has been tested. That my expectation for the year was different from the reality.
My first post of the year was about that expectation. How I came into the year ready to see what God was about to do. I was convinced that something exciting, life changing, fulfilling was just around the corner.
After all. We had been obedient in His call to leave the security and safety of the path we had been on. I was convinced that doors would open quickly and we'd soon be on a new (secure and safe) path.
And when that didn't happen, I was shaken.
I tried to express this to my friends. And also how, now that things are beginning to look brighter, it has me examining myself and my own heart. Is my trust in God dependent on smooth sailing? Or do I trust Him even when I'm struggling to see His provision and His plan?
I tried to express it but I'm not sure how well I did. In fact, I did what I do anytime that I speak. I stumbled over my words. I hemmed and hawed. I find it frustrating to try to speak my thoughts actually. Sometimes I pause because I need to gather my thoughts and formulate how to say what I want to say. And, then I tend to lose my train of thought, my flow...and what comes out is abbreviated gobbledygook.
It's why writing is so much better for me.
What I wanted to say and to express is that this year has brought me to my knees. I've been humbled and broken. I've been forced to look at myself in a mirror and I don't like what I see. This year has driven me to the end of myself. And into the arms of God.
I've fought against it. I've beaten his chest with angry fists and with tears streaming from all my broken places. I don't like pain. Pain feels like punishment. Pain feels like failure. Pain feels like a sure sign that you're headed the wrong way.
But sometimes pain is what brings us to a place of healing, a place where God can form us and mold us into something better....more beautiful.... more like Him.
This year has been a year of fear, of anger, of hurt, of despair, of loss, of loneliness, of losing faith.
But, this year has also been a year of surrender. A year of coming to terms with my own insufficiency and a better understanding of His absolute sufficiency. It's been a year of learning unlike anything I had expected.
I am hopeful that He has brought me to a place where I don't always have to see where His path is leading me to know that I can trust Him. I am hopeful that I still have time to make a difference in the world, with my life....that I have something to offer. I am hopeful that fear is steadily losing its grip on me.
And I KNOW that God is always at work...no matter what the circumstances...He is always at work.
And He is creating a beautiful story of His redemption, His power, His restoration, and His love.
And, that's what I wanted to tell my friends today.
We were sharing updates from our lives today. Going around the table, each of us took a few minutes to share what's happening. Our group in general has had a hard go of it in recent years. A life altering accident, divorce & separations, financial problems, loved ones with addictions, marital problems, health problems, job woes, parenting stress, mental illness....life hasn't been easy for most of our group.
I know that in the midst of all this I've been relatively blessed in my life. My troubles have seemed paltry in comparison to what my friends have been enduring.
But, this morning as we shared with each other I opened up that this has been a really difficult year for me. That my faith and trust in God has been tested. That my expectation for the year was different from the reality.
My first post of the year was about that expectation. How I came into the year ready to see what God was about to do. I was convinced that something exciting, life changing, fulfilling was just around the corner.
After all. We had been obedient in His call to leave the security and safety of the path we had been on. I was convinced that doors would open quickly and we'd soon be on a new (secure and safe) path.
And when that didn't happen, I was shaken.
I tried to express this to my friends. And also how, now that things are beginning to look brighter, it has me examining myself and my own heart. Is my trust in God dependent on smooth sailing? Or do I trust Him even when I'm struggling to see His provision and His plan?
I tried to express it but I'm not sure how well I did. In fact, I did what I do anytime that I speak. I stumbled over my words. I hemmed and hawed. I find it frustrating to try to speak my thoughts actually. Sometimes I pause because I need to gather my thoughts and formulate how to say what I want to say. And, then I tend to lose my train of thought, my flow...and what comes out is abbreviated gobbledygook.
It's why writing is so much better for me.
What I wanted to say and to express is that this year has brought me to my knees. I've been humbled and broken. I've been forced to look at myself in a mirror and I don't like what I see. This year has driven me to the end of myself. And into the arms of God.
I've fought against it. I've beaten his chest with angry fists and with tears streaming from all my broken places. I don't like pain. Pain feels like punishment. Pain feels like failure. Pain feels like a sure sign that you're headed the wrong way.
But sometimes pain is what brings us to a place of healing, a place where God can form us and mold us into something better....more beautiful.... more like Him.
This year has been a year of fear, of anger, of hurt, of despair, of loss, of loneliness, of losing faith.
But, this year has also been a year of surrender. A year of coming to terms with my own insufficiency and a better understanding of His absolute sufficiency. It's been a year of learning unlike anything I had expected.
I am hopeful that He has brought me to a place where I don't always have to see where His path is leading me to know that I can trust Him. I am hopeful that I still have time to make a difference in the world, with my life....that I have something to offer. I am hopeful that fear is steadily losing its grip on me.
And I KNOW that God is always at work...no matter what the circumstances...He is always at work.
And He is creating a beautiful story of His redemption, His power, His restoration, and His love.
And, that's what I wanted to tell my friends today.
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